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I don't know if you remember my first post from last week. My boyfriend is and alcoholic, and I kicked him out about a month ago, as I don't want my daughter to have to deal with this, and frankly, I can't deal with it anymore, either, especially being the daughter of an alcoholic.
Well, A boyfriend voluntarily checked himself into detox/rehab yesterday. No contact allowed.
I need advice from others who've been through this. First of all, how long should I expect him to be there? He's in the dual diagnosis unit, as he also suffers from anxiety and depression. Also, is there any contact allowed while in rehab? Phone calls, status updates, etc? Or will I just get a call from ABF one day saying he's been released?
The most important question: How do I continue enforcing my boundaries when he gets out? I support him in his quest for sobriety, but I don't want to continue enabling him. He'd been staying with his friend, who is a drinker. I don't think that's a healthy environment for him. At the same time, I don't think it's wise for him to move back in with me and my daughter right now. He can't afford to get his own place. There is a sober house in my town, so that might be an option. I guess my question is: When he gets released, what can/should I do to support him without jeopardizing my own recovery?
Jettiesgirl, I'm glad that your boyfriend has checked himself into rehab -- that's a positive step. At the same time, it's important to know that the majority of alcoholics who go through rehab do not stay sober. Often even the ones who achieve longterm sobriety take a number of tries to do it.
When my A exH went into rehab, I thought all our problems were solved. I didn't know the statistics, and I just thought, "Oh good! Just what I've been hoping for for so long!" I didn't realize that it's not as easy as flipping a switch.
I also thought that the only thing that had to change was him. It was true that he had to change (and he didn't). But I also had to change. Not for him, but for myself. It took me a long time to start learning that.
How long your A will be in rehab, I can't say -- different programs are different. But since you asked him to leave your house, I wonder if it matters how long? And why you're asking abou contact? You were still in contact? I'm not sure why he would call you when he's released? If you're no longer enmeshed, I wouldn't think that rehab would or should change that.
It doesn't matter if he's living with someone who's not good for his sobriety. Avoiding situations like that is something he'll need plenty of practice at. It's up to him to make those arrangements.
My experience is that living with someone in early sobriety can be a rollercoaster. Apparently after a long time, with both people working hard on their own programs, it gets easier. I don't know, as my A did not stay sober. I would think it would be easier for both people to work hard on their programs and themselves if they did as Al-Anon suggests and made no major changes for six months. That would include not getting back together if they had been living apart. Of course, every situation is different. Regardless, keep taking care of yourself!
How long does rehab take? I don't think anyone would be able to answer this accurately - it's pretty individualized, depending on the severity of the physical addiction, detox time, and whatever other issues are going on. As far as contact, I think each rehab is different. One rehab facility my AH went to allowed him to keep his cell phone - he couldn't talk when he was in meetings, counseling, or physical exams, but he could talk at other times. Another facility he went to confiscated his cell phone first thing and he could only call from the hospital phones at rare times. In my opinion, rehab is a time for the alcoholic to focus on himself, his recovery, get a plan in place for after he leaves treatment, and start learning some fundamentals of healthy living. The less time he spends on the phone, the more time he can spend focusing on the things that need his undivided attention.
Is what you're concerned about the fact that you set a boundary because he was drinking and now that he's not drinking anymore, you think you need to set a new boundary?
I relate to your situation. My AH had been sober for several years and then relapsed into alcohol. He struggled for 2 years - he'd get a couple of months of sobriety and then relapse. During the last time he was actively drinking, I had just found out I was pregnant. He had been to 2 different rehab facilities in a month, and started drinking within a week of release from each. I was physically sick and tired, and emotionally I could simply not handle him. I kicked him out. He moved in with his parents. He got sober finally - without rehab. I thought about immediately letting him move back in, but the fact was that he had been sober for a week and then relapsed so many times that I did not trust that he would be sober. My sponsor urged me to PAUSE, pray, and not make snap decisions based on emotion. I decided that I did not want to allow him back until I saw for myself that he was serious about recovery. The boundary I set before he got sober was not an ultimatum - a "get sober or you have to leave," with the real motive of enticing him to sober up. Rather, it was "I cannot live in this environment, so if you are going to drink you need to do it elsewhere." I set the boundary for my own health and sanity, and followed through with the consequence. For me, this boundary was no different after he got sober for the last time. It ended up that I did not let him come back until he had a couple of months of sobriety. During the time we were apart, he had the chance to decide what changes he needed and wanted to make for himself to stay sober, implement his long term recovery plan, go to lots and lots of meetings and visit with his sponsor, etc. More importantly, it was time I needed for myself, to detox from him and his addiction, to turn my focus to my own recovery, and to live my life.
As far as him living with a drinking buddy, it might be clear enough to you that the environment is unhealthy, but ultimately it's up to your bf to decide it's unhealthy for him and to make an alternative arrangement. He is an adult, and he can straighten out his living situation. It might be good to examine your motives with respect to why you feel your boundary is now different ... is the thought is that you'll let him live with you to keep him from going back to living with the drinking buddy, and that will keep him sober? Remember the 3 C's ... you did not CAUSE his alcoholism, you cannot CONTROL his alcoholism, and you cannot CURE his alcoholism.
Just my ESH ... take what you like and leave the rest. :)
Thank you both so much for sharing your experience and for your advice. It's not that I want to change my boundaries (which, BTW, White Rabbit are the same as yours -- not an ultimatum, just that I can no longer live in that environment). I just know that when he gets out, he will probably push for us getting back together or at least having more contact. But I know, as you've both said, that this rehab isn't a magical cure-all, so that's why I am concerned about the dynamic of life after he gets released from rehab. In my mind, nothing has changed, other than he's made the first step. He has a long way to go, and this will be a lifelong struggle for him. I am not counting out us eventually being together, as I do love him and we've been together over 8 years. However, I think it would take a long time for me to trust him again, and I'd have to see that he's committed to sobriety. That could be a year or more.
I know I'm probably not making much sense here. As for contact, after I kicked him out, I made it clear that our romantic relationship was over, but I will be there for him as a friend and will support any efforts at sobriety. But in giving that support, I've been very careful not to hinder my own recovery. I guess I'm afraid I'll weaken if I see that he's making strides toward sobriety, and I don't want to do that. I want to keep focusing on myself and my daughter, and doing what's healthy for us. I won't cut him out of my life, but I need to find the strength to stay detached from him and his disease.
Also, the only reason I asked about contact during rehab wasn't so much about being able to talk to him -- I think no contact for him right now is best (and for me, too). I just am wondering if I will have any heads-up on when he'll be getting out, as he is still a part of my life and I want to be prepared. I think this particular facility will not call me to let me know. I think it will be up to him to contact me when he gets out, if he wants to. Which is fine. I was just wondering what the general protocol is in these situations.
Thanks again for your responses. You guys are helping me stay strong, and validating my concerns. I truly appreciate it.
Get the book Getting them Sober which is offered at the top of the page. When you read it look at your expectations. No one can tell you how long he will be or how great his recovery will be. That's all up to him.
Thanks, Maresie. I will do that! I got a call from him today. They're releasing him tomorrow. I, personally, don't think 5 days is long enough, but I guess it's not my concern, it's out of my control, and he will do what he will do. I have no idea what his plans are when he gets back. He may not have a job to go back to, which really stinks.
I've been doing some self-talk tonight, reinforcing to myself that nothing has changed. Boundaries need to remain in place. Detach, detach, detach. Five days in detox/rehab is a beginning for him, but doesn't change my needs and boundaries.
I'll be going to a f2f Al-Anon meeting on Wednesday. I think that will help keep me strong and give me some support.
