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Why do I start fights with my AH when he hasn't done anything. I have anticipated anxiety about mothers day. Every year I look forward to it only to be let down. He doesn't drink on Mothers Day or my birthday or anyday celebrating 'me' but the days before. And I of course am still upset when it comes to the day because it seems like he never wants me to be happy. So of course I'm not. My AH hasn't had a drink in a couple of weeks. He was asking me what I would like for mothers day this year and I lost it. I just told him, 'what does it matter'. I am probably going to be let down anyways. So now we argue, he's depressed, upset about what he has done and how much he has hurt me and now I feel like crap for starting an argument with him...ugh! My 7 yr old son even told me that I always start the fights with my AH.
I am seeing a counselor and actually my counselor wants my AH to come in this Friday to speak with him without me. He said that I could come if I want to but I do not need to be there, so my AH is going by himself. I think I am going to go to an Al-Anon meeting.
-- Edited by Rose on Wednesday 28th of April 2010 10:34:08 AM
Hi Rose I would hazard a guess you were maybe projecting an outcome based on past experience's and anxiety, I think it's great you have acknowledged your part, it took us a long time to get like this it's going to take time to stop creating drama and chaos, takecare.
Hi Rose, I can relate to your story on many levels...all the way down to the 7 year old son! In my experience I found I was MORE resentful when he wouldn't drink and that's when I would let my frustration out. I always thought is was because it seemed safer and more productive to let him know how angry I was when he was not drinking. I learned it was useless to express myself when he was not coherent. As for your son's comment, it might look like that through a child's eyes, but you know better, so don't take it to heart and punish yourself.
I've done and do the same thing = ( I think once they wake up in the morning or sober up from being drunk in their minds the situation is over but in ours it just festers and festers.... My 12 year old has accused me of being a "spaz" as well but like someone else posted "you know better" so don't take it too personally!
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Courage is not a roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow"
thanks for all your responses and once again reminding me that I am not alone. I do know better and hope that one day my son realizes it too. Right now he is too young to understand and thats why I am in therapy. I really need to come here when I am feeling down, angry and confused first before I "blow up" at AH.
you wrote... I really need to come here when I am feeling down, angry and confused first before I "blow up" at AH.
Rose, that is EXACTLY what I started to do! I can relate to your story, though I am living with a dry drunk and didn't have to deal with the binges, there were times where he was more open and accepting to discuss things (normally it was like talking to a wall with him. he may not have picked up a bottle but he exhibited every behavior!) and those were the times I chose to unload all my anger, frustration and resentment. Pretty soon I was just "starting" with him all the time and all I wanted to do was argue and my goal was to make life miserable. GRRRRR
then I started coming on the boards more. reading, sharing, journaling on my own. slowly I changed my own behaviors and reactions and the most rewarding thing was I found inner peace because of it. I found a more productive outlet and as a result I didn't even want to confront the Abf-sober anymore and was able to enjoy the peaceful, sane times with him when they came.
Even more surprising, as I began to change and be more at peace and set boundaries the bf started to do the same. He started therapy, went back to meetings, reignited connections through AA. I guess my mom was right all those years, "Teach by example."
Good luck and take care of YOU.
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
Why do I do this ?? probably for the same reason I did , to get some attention even if it is negative - frustration at our situations make us do crazy stuff and as for your son saying that you are the cause of the fights , well he's probably right and again frustration and fear .. alot of our kids blame us the non drinker for the turmoil in our homes , somehow they just accept the alcoholic and dont understand why we are always unhappy or crying or picking fights . I am assuming you are not attending Al-Anon meetings f2f for yourself ,please find meetings u need support from people who understand and support you , this board is good but nothing like u will find in a meeting . Mothers day is comming up , treat yourself to something nice or spend the day with your own mom if possible . expectations are killers and only leave me dissapointed and angry one more time .
I have found myself doing the same thing!!! I start getting anxious before the weekends. I dont fight with him but being to push him away. I believe it is our way of protecting ourselves from disappointment.
A dear friend and I were just talking about sabotaging relationships. Tim use to do this to us all the time. He didn't think that he deserved to be happy so he would always do something that would test the relationship. (I was guilty of this at times too.) We get to a place where we become scared and unsure of ourselves. I realized it had nothing to do with me. It was his insecurities. We don't want to be disappointed but we can't expect that things will be okay either. So we do something stupid. I did the same thing. If we expect the worst, it usually happens. So I had to flip my thinking. I had to expect miracles. I deserve miracles. That also mean I had to do more work on myself. I had to stick to my program or listen to the voice of reason from someone.
Once we realize what we are doing when we are doing it we can stop. We can slow down, say the Serenity Prayer, make ammends, and restart our recovery. We're human beings with flaws. We slip too. The beauty is that we can restart our recovery any time we want to. You'll be okay. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I have anticipated anxiety about mothers day. Every year I look forward to it only to be let down. He doesn't drink on Mothers Day or my birthday or anyday celebrating 'me' but the days before. And I of course am still upset when it comes to the day because it seems like he never wants me to be happy. So of course I'm not.