Bringing A to meetings - Al-Anon Family Group

Hopeless · Senior Member

Bringing A to meetings

tlcate · Senior Member

I think my situation may be a-typical. My A encouraged me, well - actually said I had to go to Al-Anon or we wouldn't make it. He went with me to my first meeting and held my hand. He even shared at the meeting.

He spent some time after we split addressing his own codependency and related issues. I think it is something we all benefit from.

Tricia

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

My AH and I go to open AA meetings sometimes, where there are a lot of Al-Anon people. Usually the open AA meetings at our group are so big that we have to split into 2 rooms, and most of the Al-Anon folk go into one room and most of the AA folk stay in another. My AH and I have sat in the primarily Al-Anon side, as well as the primarily AA side. For us, I think it's great. It's nice to sit in a meeting with my AH once in a while. That said, I'm glad we don't do it more than once a week at most. I don't feel like I would be free to share everything I need to with him sitting right there, and I imagine that he feels the same.

lizzakiss · Veteran Member

My Abf-sober has taken me to a couple open meetings and I have attended the meetings on his anniversary date when he receives his coin. I get alot out of it because I see and hear firsthand how ruthless a disease alcoholism is and gain a better understanding of it. I haven't taken my bf to a f2f al-anon meeting but more than once he has sat with me as I've gone through the boards, read the stories and I let him read some of my shares and ESH received and we openly discuss things.

I agree with White Rabbit though, we don't do it all the time because that "safety" factor for shares is missing a bit when we go together. I like participating with him but we both agree that we need our recovery and groups seperately for the most part.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Whywould u want to have your husb in your meeting ? so he will see how what he's doing is affecting you- trust me he will miss it and u will have lost valuable healing time for yourself . ( especially if he is still drinking ) other members would not appreciate his being there .
If husb is sober and working a program of his own no problem but again would suggest that he find his own meeting you both need some space .
I have had to accept that my husb will never understand how his behavior affected me and our sons any more than I will understand his compulsion to drink . what i needed to find out was why I allowed what I did and no one but program friends and I can do that for me .
I have found that when I try to teach someone a lesson , I am usually the one who learns the lesson . this is just my opinion . Louise

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

I did once. He and the other A's present thought that Alanoners talked about how to sober up their drunks. Not even. I was surprised at their misconceptions.

In support,
Nancy

Hopeless · Senior Member

I wanted him to see how it affects other people....   He has tried over and over to make me look like that bad/sick person because of MY feelings....   Yes, I know typical A issue BUT I wanted him to see what this diease does and how it affects the people around them...

I don't know if that makes sense but I'm sick and tired of him making me feel crazy like I'm suppose to accept this... I want him to know how much he has hurt me and how this diease hurts every one involved...   Maybe if he sees the BIG picture with out my "constant" nagging he will get it?!!??!

I don't know....    I do know that I understood more clearly when I heard MY story from other people and maybe if he hears other Al-Anon members he will hear my story with out me telling it (or as he puts it nagging)...

-- Edited by Hopeless on Wednesday 28th of April 2010 02:00:54 PM

maire rua · ~*Service Worker*~

I personally don't think it is a good idea unless he is working a program himself and it is an open meeting. Don't take this personally but this is not about him especially if he is active. I've often heard it said that understanding how an A works is a bitl like going to the hardware store for bread. This is what this sounds like to me also. I might leave this to my higher power and concentrate on you.

Hopeless · Senior Member

I'm definitely focusing on me I was just wondering if any one did this.... I haven't even suggested this to him...

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Hopeless

When my husband became serious about AA meetings, I attended several open meetings with him. Much to my surprise I came away very, very angry at the recovering As who shared their stories. Since I was still suffering from the affects of this disease, I was looking for sadness and regrets and instead I found laughter, good humor and fellowship. It was unsettling to my "Unrecovered" self.

Years later after wroking my alanon program, I could attend an open AA meeting and share in the joy and wonder and miracles that were shared.

THe reason I shared this story is that it may be too early for you to mix and match programs with your partner.

Try attending alanon by yourself, leave him to his AA friends and then share recovey at home.
Good luck

-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 28th of April 2010 04:18:04 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

We allow the reaction to be theirs completely. What I get out of a meeting is just mine.
I'm a double (both Al-Anon primarily and AA later) although it is rare that the Alcoholic
will speak of anyone but themselves (LOL...so that's two people talking about them) in
the disease issues regarding how they feel about others or how their drinking affected
others isn't high on the topic list. Many Alcoholic's display what I call the Timothy
McVeigh attitude (The Okahoma bomber) which specifically announced "get over it".
There are lots of valid reasons for that and a practiced denial is part of it. I don't
care what another alcoholic thinks or feels about my Al-Anon program. It is none of
their business or mine. I wouldn't bring my Alcoholic to my Al-Anon meeting for
reasons concerning her and others in the room. I've experienced one couple in the
past who attended the same Al-Anon meeting and I don't know if either was a
member in AA but before one would speak they would ask the other to leave
the room...Wow!! I never saw a time that the one outside of the room wasn't
curious about what the one in the room shared. Why even go thru the trouble.
Go to your own meetings is what I learned.

(((((hugs))))) smile

Hopeless · Senior Member

I agree with what everyone is saying...

I guess my point was when I came here and read my story I didn't feel so alone, it was a powerful feeling for me...      I just wanted to know if it had the same affect on A's (if anyone brought A) that it did for me.    Hearing your own story through other people made me seperate who my A was and made it clear what the diease is...

Again don't know if I'm making sense but I thought it was worth a shot = )

NOTE - I'm not even talking to A let alone ready to invite him into my recovery world = )    Plus he is not even allowed near me per the State of PA, lol = )

Was just curious....

tlcate · Senior Member

Trying to make an active A "see" you is fruitless, truly.

If he is in recovery, then it will take time to accomplish this and perhaps some couples therapy if you ever end up back together. That is where I am at now, and it is a slow process. It takes time, compassion, and forgiveness from BOTH parties. I have done wrong too and have amends to make as well.

The big thing here is that you still want him to see you and what he has done to you. Letting that go will help you tremendously. I can tell you from experience. It took me about a year to finally just stop being angry and stop caring if he ever apologized or cared how he hurt me. A year of carrying around the feeling of victimization. It was heavy as you probably know. Letting it go lightened the load tremendously.

Then there are those who are just constitutionally incapable of recovering, seeing others, or focusing on anything other than themselves or the drama they create. They feed on it. Relationships with these people are typically abusive, always emotional and sometime include physical abuse as well. I can't think of any reason to stay in that type of a relationship accept addiction to them, to the drama, and to the martyr/victim role. Sometimes it is all we have ever known and breaking out is difficult to do. Here is an article that really helped me learn more about it.

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/3819479-worth-reading-and-reposting

I hope that soon loving and seeing yourself is enough.

Tricia

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