The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone. I've been with my husband for 15 years and he was an alcoholic for 14 of those years. He stopped drinking a year ago and is committed to never starting up again, which I was eternally grateful for, for about 20 minutes, until he simply replaced alcohol with pot. He now does all the same things he did while he was drinking...hides it, lies about it, is consumed with the thought of it and is agitated without it. So now I am back to suffering the same feelings when he was drinking, even though he is no longer drinking. So is al-anon the place for me, even though the alcohol is not the problem anymore? Pot is so accepted these days, there doesn't seem to be support for that addiction. I need help, I just don't know from where. Thanks for any help.
Aloha Miralake and welcome to MIP...commit to making this your cyber home as the family here know where you are right now with this issue and have worn your shoes also. I'm one of them.
Yeah you're qualified to be in the program of the Al-Anon Family Groups. Locally we have lots of family members who have "addicts" that they live with. Addiction is addiction and crazy is crazy. I'd suggest that you find the face to face meetings in your area from the white pages of your phone book (It's what I did) and if you don't get a voice to talk to listen for the times and places for the meetings in your area. There are over 24000 meetings in Al-Anon a week in 130 countries sooooo it really is a problem and you're not alone by a long shot. Find the meetings to go to and go to them for 90 days as often as you can. Get literature, as much as you can and read it all. Listen to the stories in the rooms and listen for the similarities to what you are going thru and not the differences. The differences will keep you in guilt, shame and feeling that you are solely responsible for the problem like he tries to convince you are. NOT!!
Give that stuff a try. If you find that Al-Anon isn't for you after 90 days you can retrieve your miseries at the door and see if something else will work. (ouch... I didn't like hearing that and I never went back to collect mine.)
Keep coming back here. You will find shortly that there is soooo much experience strength and hope here you might be on a different planet.
(((((Hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 27th of April 2010 03:06:03 PM
Welcome to MIP! You have come to the right place. There are sometimes multiple addicitons for A's. My AHsober hasn't drank in over 20 years. It is called a dry drunk. He drinks non-alcoholic beer (has some alcohol) and smokes cigarettes and plays computer games until his hand falls off. It is spooky sometimes because it feels just like when he drank.
Alanon gives us tools to help us cope. Try face to face meetings and reading the literature.
Welcome to MIP.... we have good news and bad news..... The good news is - you qualify!! The bad news is..... you qualify!! :)
Our programs are pretty much interchangeable, as "addiction is addiction is addiction", so it really doesn't matter much whether your hubby is addicted to booze, pot, sex, gambling, etc..... The "treatment" is still the same, and AA is the treatment.... Same thing goes for you - Al-Anon is definitely the place for you, as you are definitely suffering from someone else's addiction(s).
Hope you keep coming back, and that you choose recovery for YOU.
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you so much for responding. I always thought Al-Anon was for family members and friends of active drinkers, and after looking through the boards a little I was surprised that there were many people whose addict was "sober". I thought when he quit drinking that "that was that" and I could wash my hands of the whole thing. Little did I know it would only get worse. I do want to go to meetings and I KNOW I'll find comfort there, but I'm not a good "group" person and I thought this would be a good place to start. I went to one F2F meeting a few months ago but couldn't stop crying the whole time. Is there a way to talk face to face with someone one-on-one locally in al-anon? Thank you so much for the warm welcome!
Getting a sponsor is one-on-one interaction within Al-Anon, but the easiest way to get a sponsor is to go to meetings, and ask a person whom you identify with.... Try not to be too worried about crying at meetings, particularly early on..... It is normal, cleansing, and healthy to do so..... If you aren't ready to share yet, just simply go to meetings and listen to others share - you don't have to speak until you are ready to do so.... Before long, you will be wanting to share...
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
My early one nickname was "The Lone Ranger" and I isolated and was oppositional defiant until those things didn't work and I was in serious need of reaching out and asking for help anywhere and at anytime. Trusting the program is part of program as I came to zero trust and massive fear by the time I got into Al-Anon for real and on purpose and still I didn't walk in on my own. I was told to get there cause my life depended on it (and it did) so I started following what others were telling me rather than trust my own judgement and thinking. As Tom said crying isn't a sign that there is something wrong with you other than you're carrying too much weight pain and it needs to come off. Let us help you take the weight off.
Yes i think it is for you= just because someone stops drinking doesnt mean they are no longer alcoholic , only qualification for membership in this iprog is that there has been a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend . it really dosent matter what drug they use or how often what matters to us is how it affects us when they do . Al-Anon will help u with that . Your life has been a ffected by someone elses drinking and you too need to recover. find meetings as soon as u can , u need support from people who understand exactly how u feel .
I can't thank you enough for your advice. I hear you "lone ranger", I don't share this with anyone, and when I stop to think about it, or reach out for help, or feel anyone, even total anonymous strangers express any concern for me it's just a complete waterfall! I total avalanche of feelings that get muddled. I've always taken the approach that's it's just my cross to bear. I used to think I was lucky because my husband was never violent and never blamed me for his drinking or his problems. He was even the first to admit he was an alcoholic in the later years of his drinking...but now I realize there is nothing lucky in my current situation, and even though he doesn't blame me for his addiction, he also won't let me talk about it with him. He tells me he's "working on himself" since he's on anti-depressants and I should be working on all the things that are wrong with me, and not worry about what he does. I guess that's why I'm here and will do my best to go to a meeting on thursday in town. Really, thank you everyone.
"Just your cross to bear?" God we must be blood relatives on my mothers side...or maybe Mom is that you? LOL.. Miralake it sounds like your man has been reading some Al-Anon literature and giving you the okay to go fulfill your own dreams. Yay finally a supportive one. Okay more miracles coming up. Have a good meeting (((((hugs)))))
In the last sentence of your post you stated "I need help, I just don't know from where". Within a short period of time four members of MIP offered their ES&H because they cared and took the time to let you know you are not alone anymore, and you were special to them. They all wanted to give back to you what the program has given them. They know what has worked for them and can work for you.
You shared your story and "they" listened.
You were encouraged to find a f2f meeting and "you" listened.
The road to your recovery is in front of you, enjoy the ride, you deserve it. Your life will be changed for the better.
I know why I love this board, because I see another "Miracle In Progress".
The others on here have already given you great encouragement to attend meetings, so I won't repeat that. Except to reiterate that you're definitely not "done" with the effects of alcoholism or addiction when the person stops using; your 14 years of living with an active drinker would "qualify" you all by itself because the effects are still with YOU. Just like the effects of growing up with two alcoholic parents stuck with me after I moved out of their home, eventually resulting in me choosing alcoholic partners.
I've had the same experience with two of my recovering former A partners smoking pot. I hate hate HATE that stuff. Both of them were incredibly defensive about it ("At least I'm not drinking -- you should be happy about that!") and minimized it ("It's a herb, it's natural and harmless, and everybody smokes it. All it does is relax me"). Umm, yeah -- you wouldn't be smoking it if it didn't get you high. One of them wouldn't go to his AA meeting if he had been smoking because he wouldn't be attending "clean", but would often choose to smoke rather than attend! Because pot smoke triggers an asthma attack for me, I couldn't be anywhere near the stuff, so he would also get angry at me for going outside in the fresh air, and often chose pot over having my company -- that hurt!
Never mind, I could rant about pot all day.
__________________
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Ok, I think the first miracle already happened...I was able to read your responses this morning without crying. Could it be I'm already feeling stronger?? Maybe I can make it through a meeting afterall. Ythannah, thank you for relating to my pot battle!! I REALLY feel alone on that front! I live in California and you can't walk down the street without someone asking you to sign a petition to legalize the stuff. I feel like I'm the only person on the planet that sees the harm in this stuff...I don't care that "no one ever kills anyone when they are stoned"..to me that is not a good enough reason to say as a society "here is another drug for you to enjoy". My husband recently spent $100 to go get a "medicinal marijuana" license from some quack doctor. I think that was the impetus I needed to seek help. I could also rant about pot all day! :)
The miracle is in finding people who know EXACTLY what you're going through and what you're feeling. Which is what you get at face to face meetings, except there you get to see them smile and nod when you speak, hear them tell what sounds like your story, and you have someone who will hand you a tissue if you cry, plus hug you at the end of the meeting.
I just love that "I am not alone" feeling!
__________________
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
One of them wouldn't go to his AA meeting if he had been smoking because he wouldn't be attending "clean", but would often choose to smoke rather than attend! Because pot smoke triggers an asthma attack for me, I couldn't be anywhere near the stuff, so he would also get angry at me for going outside in the fresh air, and often chose pot over having my company -- that hurt!