Aloha Dru...It took alot of time for me to arrive at the answer for me and I am glad
I was in program with all of the help and ESH from the fellowship.    I had to take me
apart piece by piece and little pieces at that...what I knew, what I believed and what
I did.  When I got to program I was Dillusional about much of everything and I can
admit to not knowing about alcoholism either.   "I didn't know and I didn't know that
I didn't know."  I had to stop and break myself down before I learned it was addiction
and I didn't know what love was in any way, shape or form.  Even the definition of
Love I have today comes from another elder member of the Family Groups and I
find that it is real and different than what I was doing before which was addiction.
I "needed" and because of that couldn't "love"...there was too much fear involved
to make it love.  I learned love the way HP loves me.  "The complete and total
acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are."  HP accepts me
unconditionally and I feel loved by it.  "Acceptance without condition"  how would I
have arrived at that unless I was here.  This is how Al-Anon loves and I learned to
include myself in the practice.    I had to take myself apart and rediscover what
came from where and how long had I practiced it and how did that turn out?  Of
course you know...I'm here.   When I learned that my hands could separate and
I could let go of holding my alcoholic so close and tightly and let her go without
fear I learned to love the way I was.  

A friend told me of a friend of hers who was separated from her husband and the
husband wanted to come back home.  My friend told me that her friend told her
husband, "I love you and I like having you here and I don't need you."  The
story freaked me out and I left and couldn't help but stopping several blocks from
her place and thinking about what I was told and how I had reacted mind, body
spirit and emotions.  My sponsor had clued me that anytime I was affected so
strongly by new input I needed to stop everything and consider it.  I'm grateful
for that lesson because when I did I learned about Jerry F and his beliefs and
expectations and my friend's friend was honest and more mature and free.  I have
found today that love mostly is a characteristic of some people.  It isn't something
they choose to feel for some reason or none but it is what they do, all the time with
everyone else.  When my Al-Anon sister gave me her definition of love she didn't
say "....acceptance of the alcoholic..."  She said, "every other person or human
being" and I got the lesson.  I was addicted to my alcoholic wife.  If you looked at
how I treated her and others while the disease was raging you would be hard pressed
to find any evidence of love...lots of other power and control and manipulation and
of course compulsive need (addiction) but not love.  I didn't know how and didn't
know that I didn't know how.

Today is different and I'm glad to know the difference and how to act it out always.
I hope you find your answer also.  Break it down, pick up the pieces and ask yourself
and others, "was this love or something else?"      The courage to change the things
you can...   (((((hugs))))) in support.