Give an inch and they take a mile... - Al-Anon Family Group

Hopeless · Senior Member

Give an inch and they take a mile...

maire rua · ~*Service Worker*~

I found that money for drink was always so much more important when dealing with A's and now I don't take it personally. Can you get this finance situation neutral in the fact that the court order that he puts it through the courts, this will also provide a record of monies paid, and it stops being about you and more about him and his responsibilities. Give yourself a break and don't be too hard on yourself.

Hopeless · Senior Member

That is what I'm going to have to do = / I think the fact that he is giving "me" money kills him not even taking into consideration that it's for our daughter?!?! I just resent that fact that yet again this is my doing... I'm not that one that came home drunk all those times and physically and mentally abused him... When and what does it take to own up to your actions?!? Right after he says these things he apologizes like it's suppose to make it better then gets offended when it doesn't?!?!

Alright... I need to but all this bad energy into MY recovery... He went over the line I have no more expectations regarding our situation... It's time to but all that focus on me and the kids...

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

In some states they send it to the courts and the court sends it to you. Having to deal with him directly, cajole him, argue about whether he should pay you, etc. -- it's a foregone conclusion that there's going to be trouble, isn't it? It doesn't matter whether he thinks he should pay it; if the courts say he should pay it, then he has to pay it, and if he doesn't, they come after him. In one case I know, the absentee parent -- chronically unemployed because of addictions -- has to pay $150 a month or go to jail. The other parent stays out of the equation. In my experience, trying to convince him that he should do something -- or even asking him if he's going to -- just opens the door to more of the same old arguing and denial. If they could be reasonable, we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place, right?

Hugs to you. Keep taking care of yourself.

babysteps · Senior Member

I was about to start a new topic, but it would have been the exact same post as this. So, I will just say thank you for expressing my thoughts for me, I am happy to know that I am not the only one. I am relieved to know it is part of his disease, which makes it a little easier to give up trying to convince him to see things the way every other rational person on the planet does. His loss, my gain. If we don't expect anything from them, we can never be disappointed.

tlcate · Senior Member

So here is an interesting take on the whole thing.

My daughter has never met her father. He never stepped up to the plate. He showed up when she was 8 and wanted to play family, I didn't say yes...I didn't say no...I just sat still and he just disappeared.

Now, I could have been mad at him for the past 18 years. Yes, the right thing for him to do would have been to take care of his daughter. He "needed" to do that.

But if I had been upset about this for the last 18 years, the only person who would be hurt by that would be me. Oh wait . . . and my daughter.

It is what it is. If he pays, consider it extra, but plan your life to not depend on it. Find another way to make ends meet. Then you will have the money from him to spend on nice things for YOU. It is tough . . . I KNOW THIS . . . and have struggled horribly to be a single mom on a single income. But I did it without resentments and it made my ability to celebrate the wonderful things in my hard existence that much easier.

Just my two cents.

Tricia

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.