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So my husband is moving again, cause that's the solution to our separation and to his alcoholism. I told him again on Saturday that until he gets sober we are not getting back together, and even if he moves to my dream house, I'm staying put in MY house. He says that if he's gonna give me EVERYTHING why I can't I give him that little bit (him drinking just a couple days a week). He says he's Ok and if I expect him to not ever have a beer again I'm out of my mind. And that if he were in trouble that his parents would notice. He's a 33 year old that need his mommy and daddy to tell him he's misbehaving. I kept my cool through the entire conversation until he said that about his parents and I snapped and told him that I wasn't buying his BS like his parents, cause in front of them he had this whole under control persona and bla bla. He laughed and then hung up the phone. Today he calls me like nothing happened to tell me found a house and that is the perfect house to do all the things I like to do, whatever that means. I think he's buying an english bulldog, cause I've always wanted to have one. I told him that one of the things I like the MOSt is when he's SOBER so he could just start with that LOL And I sent him a website of a rehab center, so when he sees that he's gonna be super pissed. Jeez, instead of going out of his way to try and lure me back to his territory and convince me to be Ok with his drinking, isn't it easier to stop drinking and try and be a good husband and dad. I know I'm not insane and that I'm right and he's wrong, but sometimes his manipulative ways kinda get to me. He's so in DENIAL I almost belive him!!
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
I know I'm not insane and that I'm right and he's wrong, but sometimes his manipulative ways kinda get to me. He's so in DENIAL I almost belive him!!
That, in a nutshell, is exactly what many active A's are striving for.... If they can keep us guessing, pondering that the problem might actually be US, and not THEM, then they are able to remain in their addiction.
Kudos to you for seeing through his muck - many addicts try to look for the "minimum thing they can do to allow everything to remain the same", and it sounds like your A is taking that to a new level, including spending $$$ and time & energy on everything EXCEPT his addiction.
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
The whole thing with A's is it ISN'T easier to just stop drinking. I'm pretty convinced it is much easier for them to put up with all the drama and scheming and failures and disappointments than it is for them to stop. Which is pretty sad and confusing for me. I can't imagine saying to myself, "I'd rather keep drinking than get rid of all the chaos and drama in my life."
I have to remind myself constantly this isn't a choice that A's have.
The point of the matter with alcoholism is that when the A tries to stop, their body will start to scream at them for more. It's not just as easy as never having a drink again and just attending AA meetings or going through rehab. Depending on how far down the rabbit hole they are, it can be downright physically agonizing for some to stop drinking.
I use the metaphor of how I feel when I've neglected to eat - when I finally realize I haven't ate in a long time, I find I have a headache, and I feel extremely irritable and hungry, and quite frankly, I can't cope with much else until I give my body some food. Forget about paying bills or making sure my relationships are in tact. I need to eat. I must eat and I can't handle anything until I finally do eat. That's what I imagine it must be like for a person addicted to alcohol - or any other substance, for that matter. Until they give their body what its demanding, not much else can be taken care of.
I'm not writing this to say "feel sorry for them and just let them have their way". It's just something I have to consider when I think about telling my AH, "Why don't you just quit drinking? It would be easier than keeping track of all the deceptions and lies you come up with all the time."
Good for you keeping track of your sanity and recognizing how much he's willing to go through to AVOID the agony and work it would be for him to sober up.
I told him again on Saturday that until he gets sober we are not getting back together, and even if he moves to my dream house, I'm staying put in MY house. He says that if he's gonna give me EVERYTHING why I can't I give him that little bit (him drinking just a couple days a week).