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Hi my name is dalia and i'm new here. i had a 9 yr relationship with an addict/alcoholic that i ended 4 years ago. he's been in recovery (aa and counselling) since then, has held the same job for 4 years.
the last thing i told him was that i could not do it any more and that he owed it to himself to get treatment and to learn to get to know and love his sober self because until then there was nothing in the relationship for me except stress.
i have have been busy with my life for the past 4 years and all of the sudden, like a lightning bolt struck me I have this irresitable urge to speak to him to see how he's doing.
I am becoming obsessed with wanting to speak to him. i handled things to the best of my ability back then but i'm afraid i behaved poorly at times and i have lots of guilt around it (things i said and did).
I would like to apologize to him for what i did to him (out of my ignorance towards addiction).
This whole thing is eating me up inside and the more i think about him the worse i feel. I don't want to get back with him (although if he's clean i'd consider being friends - he was never violent to me, just disappeared on benders and let me down all the time), i'd like to get to know the sober him if there is one.
Up until now he hasn't called me because i told him not to for his and my health (actually he called for months back then but i didn't answer the phone).
What can i do? What do I say to him if i ever decide to get back in touch?
I feel so silly writing all this, but it's so overwhelming and it feels like i felt the first few months of missing him when i broke up with him.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, i'd like to learn more about recovering from living and loving an addict
tia, dalia
(PS nothing can break my mood, i've tried everything and I'm so sad i can't eat and i only sleep 4 hrs a night and 6 hrs every third night).
I would really enourage you to attend Al-anon meetings in your area. The disease of addiciton is a family disease and touches all of us who love/loved an addict. In my opinion I was just as sick as my ex was/is the difference is now I am getting healhty and working a program and he isn't.
Get to meetings, find a sponsor and work the steps. I know I wasn't perfect in my marriage and I made many many mistakes that at one point I was dying to apologize about. My counselor suggested that I wait until I reach steps 8 and 9 and talk about this with my sponsor before I tried to make ammends to my ex. It isn't always best for you or the person to make a direct ammends.
Work the steps and focus on you. After some time in the program and gaining some alanon tools you will find that you may not need to contact him, but if you do then you will more than likely be better prepared for it.
Hope to see you around :)
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I wonder if something else stressful is going on in your life, even if it doesn't seem connected? I always think of the saying, "Overfocusing on one thing is a way of underfocusing on something else."
There's one thing I've observed -- that even if alcoholics and addicts who've been in recovery a long time, sometimes they get an overwhelming urge to drink again. Some of them manage to stay sober. Some of them don't. I've known two alcoholics with years of recovery and deep involvement in their program, who relapsed badly and haven't recovered yet, to my knowledge -- and very possibly will never get back into recovery.
So one thing to consider is that if you get back in touch with your ex and he's sober, you could have a friendship (or even another relationship -- who knows? -- it sounds as if you have powerful feelings left over) -- and after a while he could have a relapse. And both of you could be back where you were years ago. It is, to be honest, not unlikely.
The other thing to consider is that just as alcoholics who've been sober many years sometimes have a terrible urge to drink -- sometimes we in recovery have a terrible urge to get back in touch with men we were codependent on. Just like the alcoholics, we say, "I can handle it. It's all different now. It's not a danger to me now." Sometimes there can be a heavy price to pay for relapse.
Just something to consider. Keep taking care of yourself. Remember that your ex is not your HP. Your serenity is more important than anything.
