The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I got home a couple of hours ago from the small conference that my home group hosts every year. This was my seventh year attending and is my annual Al-Anon birthday celebration. On April 17, 2004 I attended this conference at the invitation of my then AA wife, and for that I am grateful.
Gratitude.
Saturday, I heard one of my Al-Anon friends tell her story. I first met this lady when I became a Group Representative and she was serving as our District Representative. She is also the one who suggested that I would be a good replacement for her when her term expired. I accepted that idea and have been serving in that capacity for a year now.
But Saturday she told her story, what it was like, what she did, and what it is like now.
As she told her story I went back with her to a time 7 to 8 years ago. Back before Al-Anon came into my life. Back to all the ugliness that lived inside of me. Back to all the confusion, anxiety and fear. Back to a time I still had not learned about my true powerlessness.
I relived the arguments. The pleading. The denial. The misery.
I felt again who I was and what my life was like.
In her talk my friend mentioned how she had recently taken out some old journals from her time before recovery and how amazed she was at how sick she was. How she looked at the old person she was in utter disbelief.
I don't have journals from that time in my life. But Saturday as I sat and listened to her, it was as if I was reading that old journal.
I have another friend in the program who sometimes feels like it is a waste of time to tell about all the "stuff" that happened in the past when sharing our "story" with others. I have never agreed with that, but haven't really been able to put into words why not.
I think I felt why yesterday.
My life now today, after 6 years and 8 days of being a member of the world wide fellowship of Al-Anon, is absolutely wonderful! I feel happiness and joy in my life more often than not. I am a very active participant in this program and in my own recovery.
But still sometimes, I forget. I forget why I am here. I forget where I came from. How close I was to absolute hopelessness. How I woke up every day full of fear and anxiety. How at times the only solution felt like death.
Gratitude.
That is why I need to remember. So I can remember what I have to be grateful for each and every day. And to exactly whom I need to be grateful.
And I am grateful, everyday, to my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God. For the gift of each day. I say it every morning when I wake up.
But on a deeper level I need to actively remember why I am so grateful for each day now.
Every day is a new opportunity for me to love my life. All of it. With all its wonders. With all it's beauty as well as all the trials and difficulties and annoyances that come along.
All give me the chance to be here. All allow me the opportunity to be of service to Him.
Working my program is taking care of me. I need to take care of this vessel, my body, the best I can, so I can continue to get the gift of the opportunity to serve Him.
And I am so grateful to Al-Anon for being the delivery system that brought me this life and for allowing me the opportunity to be of service to my brothers and sisters who have lived and continue to live with the effects of the family disease of alcoholism.
I used to be so annoyed when people said they were a grateful member of al anon. Like you I had some terrible times and recovery has been immense work.
I am so grateful that I found this board and decided I qualified. I had gone to al anon meetings in the past and didn't see the point. I was still blaming it all on every one else. If they changed, I'd be absolutely fine, still obsessed with them but that was my norm.
I can't say I am happy every day but I have come to a place of acceptance of where I am and where I need to go to move on.
For me that means a semblance of peace and at times contentment but I do not radiate happiness and still have a good measure of fear.
I know all my reservations of the program were all about fear and a lack of trust.
I do have trust now and friendship and companionship. I have to build on that to make a better life.
Like you I went to a conference this week. I know now the reason I had such a hard time of them in the past is that I had this invisible scale that I rated everyone. I certainly had companions in those rating games. I felt so afraid that I could not relate to people and that was my defense system.
This week I didn't judge but I also limited my time there as my norm of course is not to take care of myself and let my life go to ruin. These days that is no longer an option.
I'm glad I went to the conference. The "home", love and acceptance I found here I found there on a different level. I'm so grateful you have made such a huge commitment to this group, attending meetings and regularly contributing to this board. I have benefited tremendously from hearing your program.
And the stories of other fellows of the World-wide Fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups are one of my biggest gratitudes. "You can't give what you haven't got and you can't keep what you don't give away"...Rocket Science which was necessary to save this former soon to be terminated life.
I'm grateful to you both for you ESH and Dave I am well aware of the power, grace and consequence of service. Thank you for your service and I pray hard that there will be many wanting to stand behind you and take your place when it is time to rotate out. When I stepped up to serve myself I was absent the feeling of fear and that was in itself a miracle.
What a beautiful share and story. I can relate to the gift of service you speak of and to why I keep coming.
I think my HP has a sense of humor that doesn't allow me to be lulled into a sense of complacency and for that I am grateful. Why even today I am struggling with "life," and I remembered that I forgot to get down on my knees and so I did.
Happy Anniversary and here's to many more !!!!!
love in recovery, Maria
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
But still sometimes, I forget. I forget why I am here. I forget where I came from. How close I was to absolute hopelessness. How I woke up every day full of fear and anxiety. How at times the only solution felt like death.
Gratitude.
That is why I need to remember. So I can remember what I have to be grateful for each and every day. And to exactly whom I need to be grateful.
Dear David
Thank you so much for a very pwowerful share!!!! I too remember that hopelessness and the only solution seemed to be DEATH!!! That is the day I walked ito the rooms of alanon with no where else to go. That was over 30 years ago. I am still here, practicing this program, grateful to the rooms and HP for my new life and hope.
I can still go right back to those first days whe I share and It is so powerful for me to do so.
I must always remember the miracles in my life and know that each day is a new beginning and each day I am responsible to show up and use the principles of this program to l ive my life with courage, serenity and wisdom.
Thank you David, Jerry ,Marie and Maresie for being here and sharing your ESH .
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 25th of April 2010 08:28:23 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 25th of April 2010 08:31:41 PM
