"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

looking_for_peace · Veteran Member

He's still in control!!!! (sorry-long)

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Sonya,

He can only control you if you allow him to. He is not even in control of himself---Alcohol and his disease have complete control over him. He has to suffer the consequences of his own choices, find his own way. If you allow yourself to be a part of "his" disease if will continue to bring you down and take your senerity with it. Remember you come first. If you don't take care of yourself first you can't take care of you kids. He is going to do what he is going to do whether you worry about him or not. If he doesn't call the kids, that is his choice of which you have no control. You are the only person you have any control over.

You have made a decision that you know is best for you. That being the case --stick to it.

Keep coming back and try to start attending f2f meetings as soon as you can. That is where you will find the answers you need. r
Read prior post on this board, others ES&H. Glad you are here---and your not alone anymore.

HUGS,
RLC

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Alcoholics frequently can't find their shoes and pee in the right room. Phoning their kids when they're supposed to involves a whole lot of emotion (he has to talk to you -- he has to talk to them -- it may lead him to reflect on the situation -- lots of opportunity for horrible emotions in there). So it's no wonder they don't act like sane people. I think this might be one of those times when we have to avoid having unrealistic expectations. It's totally awful that they let their kids down. But if they were sane and responsible people, they wouldn't have caused all these problems in the first place.

Keep taking care of yourself and your kids.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

To be honest, A's dont think that way. They dont think at all. I use to think that everytime he hurt me and dissapointed me it was done with a purpose to get back at me or control me. Sorry, After being with the XAH for 26 years, I found that its never about us. NEVER!

Thats why we have to take care of ourselves and our children, because this disease cares for no one. Step one "We are Powerless over their addiction and our Life had become unmanageable."

Like someone said on the board, he is only in control if you let him. Really, Its the disease that takes the A over and us with them. Thats why there is AA and Alanon for the family members of the alcoholic. We learn to separate the man from the disease, they are very sick. We get sick with them. Unless we use the tools of the program and connect with a higher power.

Please keep coming back and share. I know it may sound crazy to stop what your doing and attend a face to face Alanon meeting. But its exactly what we have to do to turn our lives around and find some kind of serenity. You deserve it.

Wishing you courage. Bettina

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

All part of his disease, and the effect it has on you..... Now he's got you getting wound up about what he "might" be doing, or thinking, or whatever.... Time to really dive into your program of recovery - it will bring your focus back on the facts.... My wise old sponsor used to bring me back to the reality that I needed to accept, and that is the facts..... There is an old saying about "stick with the whats, and stay away from the whys - the whys will eat you up"

In the immortal words of Sergeant Joe Friday, of Dragnet fame - "just the facts ma'am"

In all honesty, the stuff he DOES do is more than enough to hold your attention.... the stuff he MIGHT be doing, or the REASONS why, simply aren't relevant or important enough to make you sick over..... Regardless, the answer is still the same - try to take steps to turn your focus back onto you...

Take care
Tom

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I had many a night of feeling absolutely controlled by the ex A. Indeed even after I left him he could call and I would certainly drop everything.

Negotiating a transition is tremendously difficult. I am praying for you and hope you will start using the skills, tools and slogans. Remember the three c's you did not cause it, can't cure it and can't dontrol it.

I hope you will keep us up to date and go the chat room when you feel you need it. There is generally always someone there and they can help you to get grounded.

Maresie.

Kris h · Newbie

I spent 18 months on this roller coaster, terrified that my h/a was going to follow through on his threat to end his life. He had been growing more and more reckless and I was intent on keeping him alive until he could see that he needed help. I did this mainly fearing that my four children would lose their father. My h/a's behavior was unpredictable and random enough that we had periods of calm in which I thought things were improving. We'd go from one big incident to a period of remorse and calm to the next big incident. What I did not know was that he had been using cocaine for the past two years. Even though this explains alot about his behaviors, I look back and I am still shocked by what I tolerated in the name of saving his life and in trying protecting the kids from losing him. I am so thankful that my children were not harmed during my period of total denial/unawareness) etc. I empathize with you because the threat of suicide either on purpose or by accident (recklessness) by someone you love, is excruciating. And then, when you find out the individual is safe, the anger totally comes rolling in at the selfishness of what they have put you through. It is like having a child who may be has run away or something. In a state of fear, you pray the child will return, and then the relief that you immediately feel rushes in followed by anger at the child's irresponsibility.

adonaisgirl · Veteran Member

I have a magnet on the fridge door that reads..... No one can drive me crazy unless I give them the keys....(photo of car keys)

I started out saying yes but, yes but, when I was told that my emotions were MINE . When I finally 'got it" I realized that if I owned my emotions and reactions then I could decide how I acted instead of letting the other guy decide how I REacted to life.

When my divorce was 'new' and I would get upset over the ex's attitude/action I would 'consider the source'... if we had been able to get along we would have stayed married so why in heaven's name was I suprised and reacting to his negativity? I now use that idea/slogan for many things.
The 'source' could be an A or a fellow AlAnon or an unrecovered addict etc.... they would do better if they knew better... Consider the Source.....

I am not sure that I was able to explain myself well but take what you like and leave the rest!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"