The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi Guys, am after two punishing days, things went ok but very long. I come home to relax, and my A father rings, I have no way of knowing who is ringing, will have to get new phone and he starts complaining about why my a-brother is getting passed over for state housing, he has been passed over three times. I know I was supposed to jump in and say I'll fix it, I didn't. I pointed out that perhaps it had something to do with his social habit of hanging out of the bar door in small village during the day. My father was quite aggrieved though kept talking away. Honestly I am really not able for it today and I also pointed out the this brother just rings me when he is in trouble, not to help me in any way. I cannot enable people anymore. I am a double winner myself so am aware of how this works now. I have to take responsibility and I found myself lying to my father about other minor issues to just please him after. I'm sick of this bull.
This week on the way to conference I met a neighbor who is certainly qualified for our sister program. He has chaos, enmeshment, drama, moves galore (he's moved three times in three months) and really serious control issues. Like many peole who are "out there" his requests of me are always "right now". Everything is "right now" this minute and is boundaryless. Of course I was on my way to a conference and I had a timetable.
In my past interactions with this neighbor I would find myself very frustrated and wanting to control him. Admittedly I have distanced myself tremendously. I very rarely see him. Now I can see all he knows right now is enmeshment, demands "right now" and control issues. I could let go rather than try to fix. Indeed I have to really limit myself on trying to fix him.
My neighbor told me he was going to AA meetings at a place I know and where I have gone to open meetings. At the time he was drinking a beer. I didn't dive in with that I was going to a conference and he could go along. I let it go.
I think my self esteem used to be at such a low level I felt I didn't deserve recovery so I had to "fix" everyone else in order to feel worthy.
At the al anon conference I went to one of the speakers told a joke that saying "help" to a al anoner was like a fire alarm to a dalmation. I certainly have that reaction "help" means dropping everything and giving more than I can. These days I can wait for the "asking" rather than drop my life and fix theirs.
I can understand the frustration, anger and helplessness. My boundaries around my roommates mean that I am indeed unpopular but I am not enmeshed anymore. Today I settle for unpopular I did not have the ability to do that before.
