The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just wrote about this in another response to a post - but my obsessing is almost hardwired into me. It is a physical and automatic response to feeling as though I am out of control OR that abandonment or rejection may be imminent.
My A and I live apart now. We had discussed that we would "Date" after the move. I actually buried my sorrows and feeling of victimization with regards to my job, my self esteem and my relationship with wine for many a night. I am finally lifting myself out of this - terrified I may end up in some addictive spiral of my own.
He is working his program and doing well and it is almost painful for me to see. I am happy for him, but it almost feels as though his further abandonment is inevitable. I see a scene play out in my mind where he meets someone else - up to their neck in program and recovery, head screwed back on straight - walking the walk... He has gone away to the Keys for the weekend for a recovery convention and I have found my mind stumbling back, tripping over the insecurity and the worry and the obsessing, driving myself back into the insecure ball of nerves.
Sounds just like early sobriety to me. When no matter what is happening in life, the A feels totally naked and vunerable. I went thru the same thing when I left my ex.
Just like the A tries "moderation" because the idea of "quitting forever" is too overwhelming...they cut back and try to control themselves. They soon realize that it doesn't work.
Cutting back didn't work for me either (although I tried for years). I finally had to go cold turkey and no contact. It was seriously the only way that I was able to focus on myself and see what I needed to change about my life so that I could really be happy in a relationship. I had to have the time and space to not think (obsess) about my ex. I had to change people, places and things....just like my ex did when he attempted sobriety.
It was hard. It was like greiving a death. But today, I am over the obsession, I am focused on me, and I am content. I feel peace, I feel happiness and when I feel anger or disappointment, it is NOT the end of the world.
It took program, the wise people IN this program and time. But that is what worked for me.
This too shall pass whether or not you believe it will.
Hi runner Chick, I can realte to where you are. When my A focuses on himself thsi is when I realise more than ever that I am just as sick as him if not worse. He is addicted to drink and me to him. When he works his programme focuses on himself, builds his self worth and changes his attitudes he gets healthier. I can see today that our relationship was very unhealthy we both were so sick and an emtional crutch for one another but to broken people can not have a healthy relationship and a lot of pai was involved. Today he is starting his programme afresh after a three week slip. I have told him I need to sort me. I intend to go to lots of meetings, spend time with al anon friens, find new activities that I like, eat healthy, get fit, sort my home, enjoy my children and rebuild relationships with family and friends. Basically get the focus back on my life. I do not know what Hp's plan is for me and my ABF but I plan to build a life I can enjoy with or without him. I do not want to die and look back at a life wasted I have one and so much to be grateful for. My attitudes are changing thanks to the programme. I hope that you can get your focus on to you and build your self a good life, no one else can do it for us.
