The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have made it clear to my qualifier that he needs to get his own place. I am allowing him to stay here while he saves money for the next 30 days. Partially because he has a 14 yr old daughter here as well. I also made it clear that there will be no alcohol in this house during that time and if he comes here after drinking, I will go forward with a 3 day eviction notice. I also told him as far as I'm concerned, we are only friends at this point. I did not want to act/pretend as if we were more, discuss things as a couple, anything of this nature. Well, he has started crossing that boundary by trying to be affectionate, and even mentioning sex. We are sleeping seperate as well. I feel he is just trying to slowly get back under my skin and I want to scream. It feels very manipulative. I'm afraid I will slowly slip back into forgetting about me. I just want to keep the peace until he out, but his advances are really bothering me. Some days I feel stuck and it feels as if I didn't make a change at all. I catch myself still responding to his texts throughout the day as if I am obligated. I don't go do anything by myself because I know he will have an issue with it and want to come as well... I don't know how to get past that road block of how to tell someone no, I need to do this for me. I get so frustrated when I have to keep reinforcing that same boundary. Don't they get it? I'm trying not to be mean about all this but he's really testing my patience!!
I personally think this diease is not only about drinking it's about control... I know with my A even if he was sober and didn't have control over something I did or was doing he would get agiated and go out of his way to put me down.....
I had to cut all contact with him just so I can give myself time to put ME together in order to deal with him (we have kids together)... I couldn't get in his head that he has no control over me (i'm still trying to determine if that is why my situation was getting worse as far as threatening me and it becoming physical as well as mental)...
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Courage is not a roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow"
Chaz, Do they get it, no they don't. For the most part they can't even see it. Me ex to this day can still not see why I asked him to move out and went through with a divorce. He can't see what his part in it was at all. I can't control that so I remember what my part is.
Stick to your boundaries. You made them for a reason. I let my ex stay with me while he was looking for a place to move to. He made advances as well and I will admit that I gave in, but I felt so horrible afterwards. I felt used and I really hurt myself by giving in. I couldn't change the fact that I gave in, but I promised myself never again and I haven't broken that promise to myself.
Why do you need to tell him if you are going to go do something for you? You said " I did not want to act/pretend as if we were more, discuss things as a couple, anything of this nature." So just go do something for you and you don't need to include him. That's you taking care of you. You're worth it. When I started doing things for me it helped me handle the tense home life all the better.
Keep coming back.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Welcome to MIP.... "Do they get it?" - my experience suggests that no, they typically do not....
YOU say: "you're gone in 30 days, and we are no longer a couple" HE hears: "I've got 30 days to make enough progress for her, so that I can stay, and everything will be alright"
There are exceptions, of course, but I believe the above to be pretty typical.... In their disease, most A's are desperately trying to find the "minimum they can do in order for their world to remain unchanged"
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
The ex A never thought I would leave him, he gave so many people my number as a back up!!!! That was even after I left him. There are always the hooks.
Naming them is so key.
Over responsibility People pleasing. guilt....
I could go on and on. Of course it is a real effort to have boundaries there were none before. Enforcing them means using the broken record and detach detach and detach some more.
Aloha Chaz...actually they do get it and have trouble believing it is real because of what came before the boundary. "I get it; I don't believe it!! She can't be serious." That's about how it goes and to make sure its how they believe it they will continue to act out their part not having any other part to play. Some times when I need it because I am dealing with someone's denial I will do an echo test with them. I will say, "Repeat back to me what you heard me say so that we are both on the same page as to what is happening and going to happen in the future." Yes I have done that and I will still use it when it is necessary. Sometimes I'll do it with a sponsee when I see that glazed look on their face which seems to say, "What was that; that just happened."
Keep doing what you're doing and re-inforce your recovery. You're not alone and have lots of support. Keep coming back. (((((Hugs)))))
