The material presented
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Well, I had gone to his house the other day... but the timing was not right. Last night, he went out to the bars and I was once again left to worry and drive myself nuts. So, today he made me lunch. I went there to talk. He was certainly not prepared to hear what I had to say. I appeared strong (even though my heart felt differently, determined and thanks to everyone here confident in my decision. He listened and told me he did not want to lose me. We both love each other very much... but it just is not healthy for either of us. As much as it hurts, it is best for me and my kids.
After I left a half hour ago, I received this email from him...
It breaks my heart to have to end things this way, I love you, you are the world to me. Please find it in your heart to see me one more time. As much as we love each other I want to have a special memory of you in my heart to get me through the difficult journey I need to take.
He always knows just what to say to tug at my heart... I just need to stay strong and confident in my decision and not let the hurt in my heart and that F.E.A.R. take over.
I get the "you're the only love in my life", "i can't go on without you" all the damn time!!! It got to the point where I only heard BLAH,BLAH,BLAH.... I talked to him last night and he told me that he is determined to have his family back YET AA is not for him.....
Keep strong!!!!
__________________
Courage is not a roar. Sometimes Courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tomorrow"
Of course we all yearn to hear those words ... if only they meant anything. Sadly, I've heard my share of manipulative "one more time" words myself. In my experience they usually meant, "I want to make sure I'm the one who calls the shots. She says it's over, but I bet I can make her see me one more time. 'Cause I'm the one in control of this, and I'll prove it. And I can probably lure her back in, and that would be useful for me."
I've also observed a pattern -- when you try to get closer, they pull away; but when you pull away, they try to get closer. It's not a real closeness, it's part of the dance. Because as soon as I fall for it -- "He wants to be close!" -- whoa, he pulls away again.
"I want to have a special memory of you in my heart" -- this is so good it could go in a novel. If he loves you so much, doesn't he already have a special memory in his heart? What good does it do for him to have this last special memory if it tears you into pieces? And if he wanted a real special memory, couldn't he go into recovery, work hard at it, and emerge ready to have many permanently reliable special memories? Time to get going on that, wouldn't it be, rather than manipulating people into melodramatic special memories?
I'm sorry, I still have a lot of feelings about the times I've been through scenarios like this!
I hope you can do what is right for you. And keep taking care of yourself!
Good for you! Stay strong! He is going to work HARD to win you back... just one more time... Blah, Blah... If you feel in your heart, that leaving him is best for you and your kids (and I'm sure that you mulled that over a LONG time before reaching your decision) stick to your guns... your heart knows best.
That is not him talking, it is the disease. It is manipulating you, it does not want to go down alone. Wants to pull you back into the pit.
If I were you, if I really meant no more, I would not read texts answer the phone and burn letters.
But that is me. No one can answer for anyone else! You have to be as ready to stop as an A who wants to go into recovery, and that is abstaining from that you are addicted to.
Hugs hon, it is not easy. In my case I could not be happier that he is out of my life. Well his disease anyway.
We are told not to give advice here but our experience, strength, and hope. For me, when I meet with my AHsober, there are certain places that are triggers for major arguments. One is the car. Maybe you should avoid either house. When I want to talk to my A I say to meet me at McDonald's. It is impersonal, public, and really no chance to make a scene. Also, it is my tiny way of revenge because I hate McD's.
God sometimes it's soooo hard to focus on the reality of the disease with all of that icing on it. Sounds good, looks good, tastes like crap.
Interpretation of I want you I need you I love you...(music in background) is; "What I really mean is that I love the alcohol and I want it all too!!! Yah!! I want the booze and I want you to hang around also cause then I don't have to waste good drinking time looking around for somebody else to train." Lets see now what are the very best words I can say that will close this deal out in my favor.
A past sponsor helped me work thru my denial and brought me to the under standing that once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. That doesn't make them bad or unworthy that states the awareness that alcoholism is incurable and progressive and every body involved have to be involved with hope and awake. Anyway here is how he helped me break the denial. "If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...IT'S A DUCK!! When I finally got it when ever the alcoholic was trying to convince me things were different I didn't hear "blah, blah, blah", I heard "QUACK!! QUACK!! QUACK!!". You can have that experience for free...use it well. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 22nd of April 2010 04:35:13 PM
Good for you for trusting in your own strength. You know you have it inside you to do the best thing for your children.
I, too, have been on the end of many of such notes and overtures for 6.5 years. I have always gone back to it, and allowed his "just one more time to see the woman I love" talk but this is honestly just talk my friend.
This is shameful but maybe it will help. Just today I ended up as a psychiatric emergency in our local emergency room because I went back, and he changed his mind ("I am trying to be honest and I just don't think I love you any more..." after weeks of "reconciling"). I was trying to hurt myself and the A called the cops. I lost my mind this morning. I really did.
And after a thorough examination, mental and physical with my dearest friend present the doctor expressed to me my problem/sickness:
"You are in a relationship with someone who is unable to see anyone else's needs but his own."
Hearing this from a medical doctor after I had spilled all the truth I could and expected to hear I needed to be committed...instead the MEDICAL DOCTOR told me to get away from him, stay away from him and get some help for ME.
So I did, and I have so far, the few hours I have had to process are the beginning of a new journey.
Even now, if he were to call and ask how he could help or tell me he loved me, I KNOW the truth. He is incapable of meeting the emotional needs of me and my family, and this is forever if he does not get into TRUE recovery. This may never happen, so I have to protect my kid and me from his selfishness.
I see it now: I care more about me than his feelings. It's not cold. It's not even really detachment, it's more his need to feel good about himself is in no way my responsibility.
If a man is unable to look after his wife and children the way he should, God has someone who will-YOU!
You are at the start of such a brutal time in your life and you deserve better because you are willing to look at yourself honestly and do what is best for your family. Maybe, one day, this will lead to the BEST times in our lives, knowing with wisdom all we have overcome to be at peace.
oh no... it is not my heart that knows best. If I listened to my heart i would be in his arms this minute.... For he has my heart. My head knows what is best.
It is been a tough evening... I am beating myself up.
Thank you so much for your response. I am sorry that you have had to go through so much emotional stress. I wonder why we go though certain situations in life that cause us so much heartache... we go through it, so others may learn from us.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I appreciate your encouragement and eye opener. I honestly, thought at times that there was something wrong with me. This man loves me so much, why can't I just be happy. I have to move on and know I am doing what is best... despite how selfish I may feel for thinking of me first.
Daisygirl, as time goes on you get stronger and stronger with your decision. You said overall you did "whats best for me" right?
Of course we support you in any of your decisions that are made in your best interest. Just know that once you have said those words to the A, its over, We have to stick to it, or they wont find us credible. So you made the decision to end it. Which is a step. One step at a time, one day at time.
There are the children and the A will use them also. Thats the thing, you will always be tied to the A, because you share children. So no doubt there will be obstacles along the path to freedom from the disease. As you work your program and connect with your higher power, it will become clearer. Recovery for ourselves isnt just about separation from the A, its a first big step, if thats what you want. Its all about our choices and what were willing to live with or not live with. Who are we to say what you should do or should not do. This is strictly up to you. What we do know is if you stick to the tools of Alanon and stay with your HP, the miracles will begin, until your head and your heart are one with eachother.
My xah and I are finally friends. My head and my heart are in agreement. I cant live with him because I know it doesnt work for me, because we were doing the same thing over and over again, expecting that it would change. I think you need the time with yourself, it is a benefit to be alone in your own thoughts without interuption from all thats going on by the A. Its like jumping off a merry-go-round, and evaluating the damage and finding out , hey, that wasnt so bad. I survived the jump, I didnt die. One thing you cant do, you cant do it on your own. Were here to help you. Best to you DAisy, wishing you courage. Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 23rd of April 2010 04:08:55 AM
Daisy I do hope you are better, but I know the road is uphill. Thank you for including me in your thoughts; you are in mine.
As I go towards the hardest partthe final separation with my AI have to know this is what is best. I have mediation with the A tomorrow and I am so not looking forward to seeing him. At some point, I have to go on auto pilot and just keep on the flight plan.
It's strange how in these last few months of separation I have always known in the back of my mind that he truly loved me and would always come back to my arms, but now I would not revel in his return. My member posts for the last two years are a good indication to myself of what scenario would play out, because it's always the same.
You are a good person; you are because you are here trying to make sense of your life and find a path to healing. All he has to do is pick up the phone and say he loves you so much and made a terrible mistake? Doesn't even sound close to what you suffer when the A turns the love off or descends into his self-absorbed behavior.
You're doing the real work and you deserve the benefit. I know we try to refrain from giving advice but I say: DON'T GIVE UP on you! Keep trying!
You have a system of support here of people who understand your pain and your problems and to know how many of us are out here should let you know you are not crazy.
