The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks to al anon, I have learned the importance of taking care of ME.
I have been a "caretaker" all of my life...took care of my mom through various bouts with alcohol and drugs...assumed all of the household responsibility when I was growing up due to mom working midnight shifts...it's no wonder I ended up married to an alcoholic and trying to mother him/take care of him! Technically, if not physically, I've been a "mom" since I was around ten years old. I was raised as a codependent.
Detaching has been very difficult for me. It's hard to see my AH kill himself slowly. He is 36 years old now, but he had a heart attack at 33! Mostly due to sleep apnea. He has high cholesterol, high blood pressure, is overweight by about fifty pounds and is generally not in good health. He required two stents after his heart attack to open up blockage in his arteries. He has a C-PAP machine that he is supposed to use nightly to treat his sleep apnea and help him to sleep deeply. He doesn't even attempt to use it any more. He believes that alcohol helps him to sleep, when it actually only makes his apnea worse! I have sat awake many nights listening to him gasp for air, choke, etc. and worried that I'd wake up the next morning to find him dead beside me, or dead in his desk chair, which is where he sleeps half the time, as his apnea awakens him and he gets up out of bed.
There have been times when he admits he has a problem, then five minutes later will swear that he can control his drinking on his own, that he doesn't need any help and doesn't need to stop! He set himself a limit of never going over a six pack. My AH is a beer drinker, and most people who love their beer are pretty faithful to a certain brand of beer. AH always was crazy about "his brand" and would rarely drink anything different, unless he was short on money and found something else that he could tolerate that was cheaper. Lately though, he is consistently drinking a different brand from his usual, and I figured out why. The "new" brand has sixteen-ounce cans, where his old brand only had twelve...so therefore, he can drink more beer without "breaking his promise."
There have been SO many lies over the years. He even lied about who he was as a person to "win me over". He has lied about past, present and future. I would go as far as saying he is a compulsive liar. This he has admitted to me and to himself, and has tried really hard and gone to great lengths not to lie to me any more. I can see definite progress in that area...but in essence, I have been with a man for ten years plus that I barely knew at all.
I have learned to detach pretty well recently and have walked away from situations that would have led to a fight in the past. Things have been very peaceful. (Let me add that my AH has never hurt me physically.) I set some boundaries for myself, which are: I don't want to be around him when he is drinking, and I don't want him to be around our children when he is drinking. He has stopped going to the bar so far and has quit driving while drinking, as far as I know. He mostly keeps his drinking to when he is outside working on various projects. I have reached the point in my recovery where I manage to keep my sanity. I feel a self-pity party coming on sometimes, and I make myself sit back and think of all my blessings, and how lucky I have been. Am I content? Yes. Am I truly happy? No.
If he were to stop drinking today and for the rest of his life, I don't think he would change much. Until he deals with his "triggers" and things from his past that haunt him, he will never get well.
For the last three years AH has been pretty much passionless, unaffectionate and emotionally unavailable. Can I live happily with him for the rest of my life when he behaves this way? If things never change? I'm not sure. Unsure and scared, and grateful to be able to come here and talk to those whom I know will understand.
If he were to stop drinking today and for the rest of his life, I don't think he would change much. Until he deals with his "triggers" and things from his past that haunt him, he will never get well.
KML, The drinking is just a symptom of the disease and if he quit drinking it would be like placing a bandaid on a really deep wound that requires stitches. The lies and thinking they can fix it on their own by "cutting back" are also all a part of it. The lies they tell us hurt us, but the lies they tell themselves hurt them even more. The disease is very good at protecting itself.
I have found that I am very good at detachment....it comes so easily for me, but I am not so good on the detaching with love. That takes so much patience and I have to put a lot of effort into it. For me just detaching is part of my disease and I can use my alanon by adding the with love to my actions of detachment.
Keep coming back. We are here for you.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
It is tough. What I am learning is that there probably will be no change with my Ahsober. I learning to make a life without him. It is painful but the alternative, like you said, is worse.
Well if someone does stop drinking and gets into recovery their thinking does change. Alcohol clouds thinking and behavior.
I was absolutely enmeshed with the ex A's issues. I was there far more than looking at my own life. Meantime my whole life unravelled. You are in the right place being here. I am glad you are sharing. Welcome.
You are so right just stopping using their drug would do no good.
He has a disease with many symptoms. It comes down to it does not good to police what he does anyway. What good has that done?
I used to at least want to know what mine was doing as if it was heroin I did not want to wake up with him dead beside me or in the house!
We lost some friends to that crap.
My needs were totally unmet too. Got to where what good is it he is here? He stinks, he is boring, he never smiles, he is sucking my life from me now too. The disease not him.
No way would I subject my kids to any of it. I do understand your trying to keep them away from it.
I am so glad you came here. It does help to be around others who understand. I have not been around mine as a husband for a long time, yet I still need to be here. I am not sure the affects of the disease will ever go away for me.
Hugs,debilyn ps are you able to go to face to face meetings?
I am divorced from the AH 18 months, we were married 26 years . Lot of memories , good and bad. I guess my boundary was when I found out he had an affair with a woman for 10 years off and on and eventually they had twins. He had told her to get rid of them, he didnt have any contact with her,14 months later , she showed up at his work and low and behold he had twins. He had a heart attack Needless to say, years before I use to be suspicious, that there were women, Im sure she wasnt the only one. When I found out I was hurt, but not as hurt as what the disease of alcoholism was doing to him and to me. Shortly after he got a DUI, which cost around 30,000. Calif. doesnt mess around. he continued to drink. Finally, I asked him to leave. He continued with AA off and on and almost died three times in one year. I knew I had to get out of the way and I had a minor stroke thru all this and I needed to protect my health.
This A drank 24/7 since he was 15, of course it got progressive, both parents were alcoholics, he didnt have a prayer. He is 57, he continues to go to AA, but not like he should, but he does his best. He has been sober for 8 months. I have to say he is not the same person that was so compulsed by this disease and so out of control. Yes he has residuals from all the drinking, maybe his memory is not so good, but now he laughs and jokes and I can tell he is so much happier, and he is remorseful. I never thought I would live to see that. I know he was in pain because he lost a marriage and I know he loved me and still continues too, but like they say, Love is not enough. We are both in good places and need to stay where we are. The Alcoholic if sober can change , and we can change too, when we recover, I know it to be true. I believe our lives and our experiences are not accidental .
Thank you all for your kind and wise words, and I apologize that it's taken me so long to reply.
It's very hard to keep hope alive sometimes, when it's been shattered so many times. I will just continue to pray for a miracle with no expectations as to the outcome.
