The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have posted on here before and found the strength to leave a 4 year marriage which was absolute misery due to violence, secret drinking and debt worries.
To cut a long story short and not wishing to ramble on as I grew tired of my own self pity and guilt, resentment and had to dump that extra load off my back to exchange for some happiness ( even for just brief moments) to feel sane again...I am sure a lot of you have been there...
...the only thing I am finding strange is his reaction to me leaving him, he is convinced I have someone else and for the past few weeks sends me nasty texts or is phoning me abusing me..calling me slag(sorry for offensive word)...I just dont get it...he was violent, aggressive and put his drinking before our marriage...can paranoia get that bad in an alcoholic?
Hi evaangel. I am new here myself but I can say without a doubt that YES, the paranoia does get that bad sometimes! Before I found this program, I would threaten to leave my AH from time to time but never followed through. Each time we got to this point, my AH would always accuse me of finding someone else. I believe this is the alcoholism talking, plus his own deep-down insecurities.
From my experience, this tends to be a common reaction from A's when we finally walk away. "Hurting People Hurt People" is how it has been explained to me in the past.
Please try to remember - this is really not about you. It is about his reactions, his fears, and his disease.
Maybe as you progress in your recovery, strength, courage and wisdom - you will have the ability to not read the text, not accept the phone calls and possibly even block him from contacting you.
We have choices - we have the ability to not listen to the abusive rants - we can simply hang up the phone, delete the message, or change our phone number.
Treating ourselves with self-respect and dignity shows others that we want them to treat us the same way.
Keep taking good care of you - YOU deserve it! HUGS, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Hi, I am just gaining the strenght to finally end my 5 year realtionship with my ABF and he too has been asking constantly if I have been with someone else or if I am interested in another man. It is so sad, the last thing I need is another man. I want to heal and focus on me and my kids.
I think he knows it is ending for good this time and his last partner ran off with someone else in the end.
I am handing him over and trying to have no contact his disease can not hurt me unless I let it.
Evaangel, I just left a 13 year long marriage myself. My divorce was final on the 2nd of March. I left because of the drug use, the stealing, the violence and the worry of what he was going to do to our kids.
My ex is convinced that I am looking for someone else or may even have someone else. I get emails from him a lot and I ignore them I do not need to respond to them. If the email has something about the kids then I respond to only the portion about the kids.
I do not need to justify myself to him or what I may or may not be doing. I am no longer his wife.
In my experience my "A" often used me as an excuse to use. Now that I am no longer in his life on a daily basis he still tries to use me as an excuse so he doesn't have to put the focus on him.
I remember the 3 C's. I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it. I also remember that I CAN contribute to it. By taking the bait and going after that hook I can contribute to his disease. By keeping the focus on me seeing his rants for what they are I am keeping to my side of the fence and staying out of his yard.
Keep coming back.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I dont feel so alone here....At present I am ending phone conversations very swiftly..only respond to anything that is do do with our 4 year old son...I will NOT contribute to the rantings..thanks for the reminder.
It could be worse...you could have kids and ASpouse could be the one cheating!
I've rode it out for a long time, but now it's time to terminate the unacceptable situation. I did it for the kids, and for her, hoping she'd get better. Instead, she got worse. When I quit hounding her, she saw it as freedom to do as she wished.
I'm still worried for the kids, since 1) they will definitely spend time with AW, or worse AW could get custody and 2) either way they're stuck with a cheating, lying, drunk mom who blows money at bars and casinos and doesn't come home as she'd promised.
But it can't go on forever, it's good for no-one. So the long, ugly process is going to start soon, and I thank God that I have Alanon and my HP to lean on.
It's okay to leave to rescue your life and your sanity. That is one of the rules for the spouses and victims of the disease and the disease with abuse. It's okay to leave...boy did I have a time getting that inside of my shoes and into practice. It's difficult because it wasn't the original promise and intent but till death do us part is not a very good contract article when the problem is alcoholism and the death looks unnatural and it's happening to you. Take the bitter with the better and always work at better more often.
I dont think its so much Paranoia, as its their denial of their disease.
Blame it on there being another man, but God forbid they should take a good look at their disease and what they are doing to themselves and others.
You can also turn it around. I use to think when he didnt come home, that he was out with another women, It was my denial that he was parked somewhere, drinking himself into oblivion. I didn't want to believe the bottle was his lover.
