The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been to four meetings, with three different groups. One of those meetings (a "beginner's meeting") consisted of just the moderator (a male) and myself. Another two of the meetings were just two ladies and myself...then last night I tried a different group in the area, and there were about 10 ladies and myself.
I understood out front that AlAnon consisted of largely females, and this is absolutely no problem for me. At least it wasn't until last night, as I felt decidedly unwelcome...I'd volunteered to do one of the readings at the beginning of the meeting, and after every other person's reading there was the standard "thank you" from everyone; after I finished reading, you could hear crickets chirp.
I didn't share much after that, but did feel I gained some insights from listening to others.
My question as a newbie, though, is: is the makeup of most AlAnon groups so decidedly female that having a man in the group makes other members uncomfortable? Is it typical for there to be few or no males at meetings?
I really am at a crossroads, and plan to give AlAnon at least six meetings as is recommended...but thus far, I'm unsure whether this is going to be a good path for me to follow. Any input would be greatly appreciated.
hi xd and welcome- there are lots of men in al anon! I am not one of them but I did want to share that it took me quite awhile to find a good meeting. I had to go to several. I gotta be honest- some of them are not good. Mean people or something, I do not know why or how but its true- I very much want to encourage you to keep trying. It took me a while. It may take you awhile but please keep trying. good luck- J.
I've been reading around this board a bit this evening, and have gained a few more insights on how to grow through this. I will try a different group or two (I'm blessed in that there are several within an hour's drive from me), as well as giving the two groups I've been to another try.
It's also good to know that there are online meetings, which may prove to be a helpful solution if I again sense that my gender may an issue. I sure don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, nor do I think that feeling unwelcome is going to help me open up and begin healing. That doesn't exactly come naturally to many of us guys...which may explain why we're in such an apparent minority at AlAnon.
Aloha xd...Allow yourself more than just 6 meetings. The disease of alcoholism is much more cunning powerful and baffling to go up against with just 6 meetings.
When I got here the suggestions was 90 meetings in 90 days and since there were over 430 meetings a month of both sides of the fence it wasn't hard to do that an more. The greater population of Al-Anon is female but having said that I also founded an all mens stag meeting a while back that last 19 years before it disolved. See if the is one in your area and get to it but don't ever discount the power of a woman in recovery. It was the gals of Al-Anon that saved my butt and life when I first got here and for that I am extreemly grateful to my HP and the Family Group ladies.
Keep check back into MIP cause there are guys here with very good Experiences Strengths and Hope that are worth everything to hook up with. Glad you found the front door. Stick around, work the program and give away to someone else that which you freely receive. ((((hugs))))
I have been going to Al-Anon meetings for 6 years now. The percentage of men in the meetings seems to be going up here where I live. In fact many nights the men outnumber the women in the room.
But truly, from my perspective anyway, it doesn't really matter what the makeup is. We are all there for the same reason and share a bond regardless of sex.
Keep trying until you find a meeting that clicks with you.
Hi XD, just want to add my welcome too.........There are 2 males sometimes come to my Alanon f2f, not regularly but they do keep coming back. I agree with David, they are there for the same reason we all are. If you feel you dont fit at one meeting keep trying others......you owe it to yourself to be all you can be.....we become lost in the disease.
Men seem to be gaining momentum at my meeting. Sometimes a good 30% are men. Like most things, it builds- the more you have, the even more that will participate. I was told tht since I started some of the irregular guys have become regulars.
Maybe if you stay other guys will check it out and join.
There don't seem to be many men in Al-Anon where I am. In the four months that I've been attending f2f meetings, we've only had one man show up at one meeting. We had a fellowship night last week, and there were maybe 6 or 7 men present compared to about 50 women.
Which is kinda sad, I think. I mean, statistically there must be just as many men as women with alcoholic friends/spouses/family members and the program would be of just as much benefit to them.
I'm glad to hear that the men are growing in numbers elsewhere, however.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Lots of men on here, and at various meetings.... Yes, we are outnumbered by women, for sure, but what man has ever had an issue with that?? hehe.... All kidding aside - I don't really think gender comes into play very much.... If you really were given the "cold shoulder" from that group, it may just be because they were somewhat of a clique, and you were a newcomer, and they may have treated a new woman just the same.... Or..... it may be that both the group and you are just getting your comfort levels, and it will get better with time..... From my experience, when I got those kinds of feelings at meetings - it turned out to be mostly internal - I was either imagining it, projecting it, or simply not yet ready for recovery myself quite yet.... I'd encourage you to keep trying meetings until you find one that "fits" - it may even end up being the one you mentioned - who knows....
Take care, and keep coming back... Glad you are here
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
The number of men in the area that I attend meetings in is growing, slowly.
For me it has been very helpful to have men in the meetings. I came into al-anon with some pretty severe trust issues surrounding men. Hearing the men in my groups share from the heart and really work an honest program has been a huge benefit to me.
I am sorry you felt unwelcomed in the meeting and I hope this isn't an ongoing happening.
You earned your seat in al-anon don't let anyone else's actions let you forget that.
Keep coming back.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Hi xd, glad you're here! I have noticed that in the f2f meetings, women are definitely the majority but there are men. I felt the same way you did at the first two f2f meetings I went to but in hindsight it was probably more me being nervous and not sure if I was supposed to even be in Al-Anon. Please keep trying until you find the right meeting for you. What worked for me was immersing myself on these boards for a while, getting a handle on how affected I really was by my Abf-sober's behavior and getting comfortable with my boundaries...now I love f2f meetings.
Good luck and keep posting!!
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
My first al-anon meeting was hard. It was mostly women, except for 2 men who came with their wives because they had children that were A's.
I didn't feel welcome at all. I went back 2 more times and still didn't feel welcome. They had more of a special clique since it was a small group.
I went to a different meeting and it was much better. It was larger and the people were great. I've been to meetings that I just felt weren't helpful at all at other places.
Try going back and try other meetings in the area. You may find one that fits you well.
