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I need to find the courage to end this relationship and the strength to let go of him completely and not look back. Today is the day, I am going to his house to talk, once again. I love him but I know as long as he is an A, we can never have a normal stable life. I have to let go, not only for me but for my boys. I know he is going to say all the right things and manipulate me to be believe, this time is different. That I need to stay and support him. But what is in it for me... worry, heartache, a feeling of being trapped, controlled by his addiction. I know this is not the kind of life I want!!! I know this! Is it fair that I have to live life without his love and our passion??? I need to just stop!!! Just do what is best and what is right!!! I need to tell him that I love him as a person, but that it really is best for both of us to get out of our destructive, yo-yo relationship. So, what does he need to hear to know that we really need to move on. Everything I plan to say, is nothing I have not said in the past. What is going to make it effective and real, this time?
hi daisy. You wrote "as long as he is an A" you do realize he always will be right?
It sounds like you have made a decision. YOU are the one who will convince him. May I share an outlook?
When we go to their house, make any kind of contact face to face, or talk, in their head they will not accept your words. You said you did it before, did that work? no.
People tell other people, I just want a friend, I am not in love with you. Then they sleep with you and we think, "oh I must have changed this persons mind!" They are still just friends!
We have to show, not talk.When something does not work, it will not work doing it again.
I would leave a note at his door when he is not home, leave one on his car, mail one.
I would be very clear. NO I love yous, soon as you say that he won't believe anything else.
This relationship is over. (u have already told him why)Do not contact me in any way or come to my house, or work. (the boundary) If you do, I will take steps to legally stop you. (the consequence)
I am not telling you what to do. This is my esh. I know you want to reassure your love, I know you want to say what makes you feel this way but it does not work.
Anyway we are here no matter what you decide to do. It will be ok I promise.
It really hit me when you said he will always be an A. I realized then, I am only trying to hold on to hope that he will stop. Again make excuses for him. I am trying to convince myself time and time again. I am so stupid! We have been together for almost 2 years and nothing will change. It is not going to!!!
I completely get what you are saying! Thanks for the eye opener!
Hi Daisy.........keep the focus on YOU and your needs. Stepping out of the insanity and into recovery in the healing rooms of Alanon can be very empowering. Find yourself again........day at a time......things can and will change FOR YOU....... In support
daisygirl, you wrote ¨So, what does he need to hear to know that we really need to move on. Everything I plan to say, is nothing I have not said in the past. What is going to make it effective and real, this time? ¨ I agree with lyndebi on this. I think that the only thing that will make it real is to set boundaries and stick to them. No contact with him (or accepting contact from him) will eventually make him realize that you are serious and that things are over between you. I know that it's difficult to do. But if you've decided you've had enough and really want to move on, remind yourself of that every time you feel the need to see or talk to him. Come here and talk to us instead, we're real good listeners. Good luck, whatever you decide to do. Remember to take care of you.
I made a plan be before I even got to the leaving. All the talking and arguing and remonstrating didn't get me to leaving. Making the plan be did. I got a list of what I needed to do to leave, find a place, get the deposit, declutter, separate my stuff, get help, the lot. My list was very very rudimentary.
As long as I was engaging with him and enmeshed I never got up the courage and the energy to leave.
You said, "Is it fair that I have to live life without his love and our passion???" It isn' fair, but it's helpful to recognize that you didn't have those things in the relationship either, am I right? The beginnings are usually great (or we wouldn't have stayed on), but once the alcohol gets a grip, it's turmoil and pain and frustrated hopes... Looking at the reality of it instead of the dream of it helped me some.
I kept going back long after I should have cut the cord. I wish I had spared myself the pain and done it all the way the first time -- I would have saved myself years of grief.
For us, giving them up is often like them giving alcohol up. It's so easy to say the effects aren't really all that bad, that we can handle it... meanwhile the insanity builds.
Remember boundaries are put in place for you not the alcoholic. You could say you are making a contract with yourself and you are not going to break it. As long as you honor your contract (boundaries) it stays intact and you are protecting yourself and your serenity at the same time. Boundaries are a way of doing what you are suppose to do ---- Always taking care of yourself first, and that will allow you to take care of your boys. Both are very important.
"I am going to his house to talk, once again." Aloha Daisy. We have little snippets of wisdom in Al-Anon which remind us that we need to "change" rather than continue the habit of "doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results"; the "once again" in your post. "If nothing changes ...nothing changes" is another and both are part of our street smarts definition of insanity. I was supported to arrive at "Don't" do what has not worked in the past do something different and get it from someone else. The program with my sponsor was full of other suggestions and so I started doing what others were doing rather than what I was compulsed to do. Trying to make my alcoholic "understand" or "verify" me and what I wanted to do or say I wanted to do was "doing the same thing over and over expecting different results". I did it often in the past and had variations of doing it which I thought would make it different and it wasn't. It all became a large part of the insanity I kept myself in.
Instead of going to his house once again...do something differentd. Go to a meeting of the Al-Anon Family Groups and start fixing yourself. Sit down and listen and learn from others who have been where you are at and are about to do and who have changed things for themselves.
Of course you can still make the same decision to try one more time.
Daisy, I'll tell you the same thing I told my "A" when he kept promising to change.....actions speak louder than words. Words lie actions don't.
You said you have told him this stuff before. So show him that you mean it. Reread your post and listen to the words and do the actions that make those words be truth and not just words.
We are here for you and remember you are not alone.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
