Addicted to A - Al-Anon Family Group

daisygirl · Member

Addicted to A

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been there in that place so often too. I read once something that explained it: it said that the unreliable nature of relationships like this keeps us on hyper-alert -- we're hyper-vigilant trying to keep the relationship in place. So all our emotions are going full steam all the time. But with a good, healthy relationship, we can relax and feel secure -- we're not worked up all the time. Relaxation is certainly not something I ever found in these melodramatic relationships with addicts.

So we get in this worked-up state of yearning and desperation, and when the relationship ends, we go into overdrive, adding even more emotion to the volcano of emotion we had already. It's like we're two years old and our mother left us by the roadside and we think we're going to die. The thing is, we're not two years old and our mother did not just leave us by the roadside and we're not going to die. It's just leftover panic. It's like the saying about F.E.A.R. = False Emotions Appearing Real.

I know also that my own emotional life was so troublesome that the huge emotions of a troubled relationship helped distract me from the inner turmoil. And all that drama feels so familiar. Put all these things together and you get the kind of extreme emotion that happens when we feel cut off from our relationship -- even if the relationship was full of pain and suffering. The solution must be not to get the drama of the relationship back, but to work on our own serenity -- yes?

daisygirl · Member

Thank you so much for the explanation. It is so good to hear... yet, sad. I have been trying to make sense of it all. This hits the nail on the end... Thank you

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

I can so relate to this post. I have just logged on to ask the exact same question I have left my A after his sobriety ended and he is back to square one. After having some peace i can not go there again. He is ringing texting trying to hook me again. He rang 15 times last night and it took all my will not to answer as I know the pain he is in. But he chose the bottle.

Like you I am only in control of me how can I judge him for surrendering to the bottle when I continue to surrender to him. Today as I feel weak I will keep looking at a picture of my kids I have to change this for them if not for my own sanity

thanks for the share

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

daisygirl wrote:

So, yes... I ended my relationship with him and can't get him out of my head. All weekend, I thought of him... why is it that when I think it is best to end things, correction.... KNOW it is best for me to end things, I beat myself up about it. I seem to only want him more. So, I could not take it anymore... Sunday, I drove around to all the bars, in search of finding him. I so just want him to say something so hurtful, so I just won't care. I wanted to find him drunk, so it would be easy for me to just walk away. I did not find him. Later in the evening, he called me and asked me to come over to talk. He did not smell of alcohol and was sober, much to my surprise. We did not even talk. We just had our uncontrollable passion. I want so much to believe he can do this. However, I know it is only a matter of days before i get the late night drunk calls. So, why is it so hard for me to end things and not look back? Do I like being disappointed over and over? Do I enjoy trying to fix him and like to try to control him? Really... someone asked me to ask him, what makes him so special? If he were to answer this question... I know he would not be able to answer it. I on the other hand, can tell you a thousand things that are amazing about this man. But one thing, keeps me from being his completely.
It is sad to me. I know in my mind this will never work. My caring heart knows he needs me and it does feel good to be needed. He says all the right things and makes me feel special. Anyway, I am supposed to go over to his place tomorrow to actually talk. I know what I need to do, just not sure if I can and will do it for the last time. I am not married to him and it should not be THAT hard to walk away from dysfunction??? So, why is it... what is wrong with me? How can I just say what I need to say and move on? I want control of my heart!

Mattie's insight was helpful.

After 36 years of marriage, my "amazing" AH took his 80-something year old mother to an out-of-town wedding, got plastered and then precedded to drive her home under the influence. Fortunately, he didn't get too far before he collided at an intersection with another car. He goes to jail (BOC was 1.7) and dear Mom goes to a nearby hotel until our son could pick her up. That was my wake-up call. This is a good example of how the disease progresses.

Alcoholism has him in its grips. He continues to drink despite two DUIs and 30-day rehab, which was followed by being a resident in a detox center. He went through terriible withdrawals. He described it as living Hell. Yet, he is back to the bottle.

I hope you keep coming to this site and perhaps try meetings, instead of having talks with him.

In my many years of experience, you can't reason with an active alcoholic, even sober.

Good luck

lyndebi · ~*Service Worker*~

you asked the question, you cannot get over him becuz you keep engaging with him.

I learned to think of this, addiction is progressive, someday, believe me that passion will be gone.And there won't be any friendship and mutal respect and love to keep you together in love.

deb

ythannah · Senior Member

In my case, it was arrogance. I thought I could "beat" alcoholism. That there was something I could do or say, some day, that would fix it -- like waving a magic wand. Ultimately I suspect that I was trying to conquer the alcoholism that had plagued my childhood, that of my parents.

My XABFs certainly played into my fantasies. One would occasionally let me talk him out of going to or staying in a drinking situation. "Victory" was sweet, but short-lived. Another would thank me, with soulful eyes, for being so "understanding" and "kind" and giving him a "soft place to land". Now I know that it would have been better to allow him to land on the sharp edges of his own consequences.

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

For me and my AHsober, it is called love addiction or a co-addicted relationship. I obsess, even five years after he left. I have abandonment issues and that is part of it. Also, I believe what he says, not what he does. It can be complex. We have to look to our higher power for help. We can't make our A's our HP.

In support,
Nancy

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