The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here, and I am wondering what to do about my sister. She was clean for almost a year. Now she is smoking pot from the moment she wakes up until she passes out at night. It is really negatively affecting her life in many ways. She has gotten extensions for all her assignments at college, using depression as the reason (because she needed to get a doctors note to get extensions) and she acts like having depression is the reason for all her problems, but she was dealing with it well when she was clean and everything didnt start falling apart until she started using again. She has a drinking problem too, but doesn't 'need' to drink when she is smoking pot all day, so she hasn't drank in a month or two, but smokes all day.
Anyway, my question is what boundaries I should set? Should I tell her I don't want to visit her or hang out with her, or that I don't want her coming over to my house until she stops using? or do I just kind of not talk about it with her when I do see her (which is currently what I am doing) because what else can I say? I have already told her I think she needs to stop before anything can get better, and she knows how I feel....
I don't know if I am enabling her by just continuing to let her be a part of my life?
Glad you are here. Go back one page where the topics are posted and go down 4 posts from your post. It is titled "Where do I draw the line for setting boundaries" Kitty answered the post with a set of guidlines concerning enabling and setting boundaries. I think you can answer your question after reading them.
Also at the top of this page type in "boundaries" in the search bar and you can read older post on the topic. You are the only one who knows what boundaries you need to have, and remember the boundaries are for you not your sister.
Boundaries can come in all forms and shapes. Some can be flexable, like a fence that you can allow someone to step over if you desire. Others are like a brick wall and are not flexable under any circumstances. Reguardless they all all there to protect you.
thank you for that reply. isn't that funny that I never thought of the boundaries for me, I was thinking about what boundaries would be more likely to get her to stop using or show her that her addiction is affecting others as well, and get her to look at it in another way. I guess I have to shift my thinking. again, thanks
I really can't answer your question, only you can.
The first thing I would ask you is what are your motives if you tell her to not come over or you tell her you don't want to spend time with her. Are you expecting her to stop using because of it or are you doing it for you?
I know in the past my actions were not always pure and when I did something to try and manipulate someone to do what I wanted it never ended well, but when I did things to take care of me and practiced "say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean" then I felt better about it.
Just remember to detach with love and not just detach. Going to meetings will help you learn that tool. Do you go to meetings. One of the suggestions is to not make any major decissions for 6 months to a year. Choosing to cut a family member out of your life is a huge choice and not to be taken lightly.
Keep coming back.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Well, I used to go to NA meetings because my ex was an addict who was clean for 7 years before relapsing, which eventually led to my leaving him. I have never been to an al anon meeting.
I guess I wasn't thinking of completely cutting her out of my life, but more about not wanting to see her when she is using, however, I know this often just leads to lying about whether she has used that day or not. I think I just want her to know that I want her to try and get clean again, and that I want to be a part of her life sober, not high. I am willing to be there for her when she is not high and trying to stay clean.
I don't know if it is for pure reasons or not. I guess I want her to know I want her to stop, but I also just don't want to deal with all of the stress and drama that comes with talking to her about all her problems that are a direct result of her using.
Its so confusing to know how to help, and its hard to separate myself from it, and to think of helping myself and not of how to help her? if that makes sense
Talking to her about her addictions won't do anything to make her quit, sadly. Al-Anon's three C's: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You said, "I also just don't want to deal with all of the stress and drama that comes with talking to her about all her problems..." She'll have to decide if and when to address those problems on her own timeline. You can set a boundary about what you talk about, though. You can detach with love and not engage in talking about the problems she'd like to complain about. She may well try to "push back" and want to reengage you -- that's common when people try to make a change -- but keep on setting those boundaries. But they have to be for you, not for her. Read more on these boards -- there's much wisdom about boundaries here.
"Its so confusing to know how to help, and its hard to separate myself from it, and to think of helping myself and not of how to help her? if that makes sense."-DLS
Yes, it makes sense, I tried to talk and help fix my mom for 25 years. It doesnt work.
The more u try to convince someone of something they arent willing to look at - well, u both get resentful, and u appear to come off like a zealot. If u try to argue with or confront an A, they will deny and lie until the cows come up (forever, perpetually).
Yes, the boundaires are for you,so say if u feel uncomfortable... say she is talking about all of her woes, circumstancial problems that u see as a direct result of her using... u dont have to listen to that... set a boundary that you arent going to participate in the whining or whatever. The truth is an A wants an enalber to come along and clean up the problems they have created. That is exactly what will feed and enable the disease. You have choices and u can remove yourself.
If she choose to party, then if u set that boundary (I dont want to be around when you use) then the conequence might be that u dont see ur sis anymore at all. Think carefully about the boundaries you set before u set them, make sure u can follow through on it. The alternative to that, is not focusing on her problem for her and accepting her where she is. Dont judge and dont try to fix. She has to want to change, confronting doesnt work. Let her know ur there for her if she wants sobriety and then dont keep bringing it up.
We all have control issues to face within. When we try to help others, we are very often attempting to control them, based on what is "right" to us. That is our judgement. The only person u can change or control ~ is YOU. You can love, support, set boundaires and emotionally detach from her issues, feelings, whims, attitudes. You get to feel-deal-heal your issues and feelings, we cant do that for them. It is a personal and spiritual thing, between us and HP/god.
Check out some meetings, practise focusing on you and with time in the program, it will become more clear, what and how u want to handle it all. TAke ur time. Discover ur choices. Give her the respect and dignity to deal with it on her own terms. Find out how to stop enabling and that will be a huge help for both of your lives.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
My younger sister has been an alcoholic for decades since she was a teenager. When I was a teenager and in my early 20's I did much rescuing and wrangling with her. Nothing but nothing stopped her drinking. In al anon we adopt the three C's. that is we didn't cause it, we can't cure it and we can't control it.
I kn ow for me that I had to grieve my sister's addiction that I did not get the sister I wanted. For me t hat took a long time. There were significant markers in there, my parents death for one. I feel for you. Al anon can help you tremendously. I no longer hit myself over the head with enabling we learn as we can how to not be obsessive, fraught with anxiety and angry.
You are taking the right steps and that is a very significant milestone for you.
