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Hopeless · Senior Member

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Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

So glad you are here -- and I hope you can find some face-to-face meetings too. They are a great support. Keep going till you find the ones you like best, because they're all different. Some of them have childcare. And there are meetings online here too. But local people to phone when you need support is a great thing. And a sponsor (someone who helps you work the program one-on-one) will also be a great support. Reading these boards is very informative, and there's a lot of literature that helps educate us about alcoholism and its effects on the family. Your son may be ready for Alateen, also, which might help him -- he has been affected by this disease too.

I'm sure others will have great things to share, but I have a little bit of ESH from my own life. I know the confusion and relief at taking that step of separating when things get too out of control. I had thought I would be scared but I didn't realize how relieved I would feel at putting the chaos behind me.

I was also so encouraged when my A went to rehab. He was also a binge drinker who would spend long periods sober, and then without warning descend into scary out-of-control drinking. I thought he only drank elsewhere, but later on I discovered (through finding his secret stashes, as well as other things) that he was secretly drinking at home too. Secrecy, deception and denial are hallmarks of alcoholism, because they protect the addiction. To this day he has never acknowledged that his drinking was ever a problem, or in fact that he has ever taken a drink! Confronting them does no good, as you've found, especially when they're drunk (they're completely insane), but also when they're sober (the alcohol has as much hold as ever). Learning to detach and not start conversations about whether they've been drinking is hard at first, but helpful. They don't need to acknowledge it for the insanity to be real.

But my ESH is that my A went to rehab and I was so happy and relieved, and he was sober for a while -- and then he relapsed. And then he was sober for a while again, and then relapsed again. And so on, and so on. The sad truth is that only about 25% of alcoholics who start recovery stay sober longterm. I found that I just couldn't live with the rollercoaster of relapsing, and not knowing when the next would occur -- it was just like the binges, with a little more space in between episodes. So that's something you may want to think about, especially if he says something like "There's no problem now."

He can see your daughter under supervised visits, drinking or not -- so that is a separate issue from the rest. You are your kids' protector, and their welfare comes before his feelings. And if he has to sacrifice some time with his daughter because of his drinking, well, that's a consequence that's entirely his responsibility.

Keep coming back, and taking care of yourself. There is much wisdom and support for you here.

Hopeless · Senior Member

Thank you for replying = )

I just feel so BLAH....

I raised my son by myself for 9 years and here I am AGAIN, ugh...      I feel so bad for my daughter because I've seen the effects of being raised with out a father in my son...

J has already started with the guilt trips about not seeing his daughter and how it's what gets him going,etc...    I feel if I don't let him see her it may damage his recovery but I will be damned if I put my daughter in harms way...     The advice I get on this is 50/50 and it's so confusing...      Everything is so confusing = (

I do know I need help I feel ruined and I'm just exhausted....       I'm also angry and I hate feeling angry, it's such a waste....

I don't understand how he could do this to us?!?!?    I need to get over thinking/dwelling on his needs and fully considerate on my own w/o feeling guilty...   Why do I always feel guilty when I didnt' do anything?!?!

I'm sorry I know I blurting things out here but I need to GET IT OUT...

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Hopeless!!!

You are in the right place  As you know , Alcoholism is a disease and anyone that has lived or is living with this disease is adversely affected.

Alanon and this board are excellent resources that will enable you to find HOPE and TOOLS so you can live your life even though the alcoholic is still drinking.

Help with finding local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site:           http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon

Online meetings are held in the Al-Anon chat room associated with this site.

From the board click on Al-Anon Group Meeting/Chat Room in the yellow box in upper left of the page. After clicking on the link please be patient, sometimes it takes a while for the window to open.

The tools: Meetings, Living one Day at a Time, Focusing on Yourself, Sharing will give you the means to live your life with HOPE and JOY,

Please keep coming back YOu ae not alone

.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Hopeless, in Al-Anon we have the three C's: we didn't Cause it, we can't Control it, and we can't Cure it. That goes for all his recovery too. They like to blame external things if their recovery doesn't go smoothly -- "If you hadn't kept me from my daughter I would be fine" -- and we tend to think we have influence over it ("If only I didn't keep him from his daughter, maybe he'd be fine") because we cherish the idea that we can have any control over it. But we have no control whatsoever. We can't control it and we can't cure it. Your job is to protect your daughter and his job is to make decisions about his life.

I know that guilt -- "if only... if only ... if only..." It's reassuring in a weird way to think that they might have started recovery if only we had done X or Y. But it's false. It's up to them and on their time scale. We can hinder them by enabling -- covering for their actions and not letting them experience the consequences of their behavior. But we can't speed anything along. Some might say that if you let him see his daughter when he was still drunk and unreliable, that would count as enabling. Which could hinder his recovery.

There's this: if he gets a lot of good recovery under his belt, he'll be able to see his daughter a lot, right? So "not being able to see her" doesn't need to be a life sentence (even though he may try to magnify it into one). It's not all or nothing -- though it's typical alcoholic thinking to try to make it seem like that.

The reason they do this instead of caring for their family is that alcohol causes insanity. It's like saying "Why would someone choose to be bipolar?" or "Why would someone choose to be diabetic?" They were born with a predisposition, and their background and their luck drew them a short straw, and now they're caught in the disease. No one would choose that kind of life ahead of time. But now they can't see straight. We can't take it personally. But it's clear-headed to realize that even though they're insane, the consequences of it endanger our own health and sanity. So we need to protect ourselves.

There are a lot of healthy single-parent families around. Living with one health parent is a lot better than living with two parents, one of whom is out of control, insane and unreliable. Keep that in mind.

Keep coming back, keep taking care of yourself.

Hopeless · Senior Member

Thank you everyone for the great advice I was beginning to feel alone and that is a horrible feeling....

I have to admit me getting a PFA, though at the time was dreadful, that I am proud of myself for doing something for ME...      I do know if he starts drinking again he will come right after me so I'll definitely know if he falls off the wagon...

I did find out that his AA meetings is near the house (which would of been the place I would of went to get help but now I can't go due to the PFA)...    I'm going to have to find an alternative and definitely take advantage of this board.

And your right I'm not going to let him use our daughter as an excuse he has to earn it with his dedication on soberity!

Another question...      Since I have a PFA I obviously can't tell if he is being an "active" member of AA and I do not know how it works...      If he gets a sponser does this mean he is "actively" a member?    Would a sponser put themselve in danger by sponsering someone that isn't interested?    I'm just trying to figure out the clues on how serious he is about this without actually seeing/hearing from him....

-- Edited by Hopeless on Monday 19th of April 2010 02:57:48 PM

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Right now don't worry about the alcoholic, that is part of our disease.

Try not to obsess about what he is or is not doing. He has to discover his own recovery. Same as us. We become as sick as the alcoholic.

Seems like the time has come for your recovery. AA meetings and Alanon meetings are separate. Please try a face to face Alanon meeting. We the partners of the A's seem to have a higher recovery rate. There is hope.

Wishing you strength, courage and hope.

Hopeless · Senior Member

Bettina wrote:

Right now don't worry about the alcoholic, that is part of our disease.

Try not to obsess about what he is or is not doing. He has to discover his own recovery. Same as us. We become as sick as the alcoholic.

Seems like the time has come for your recovery. AA meetings and Alanon meetings are separate. Please try a face to face Alanon meeting. We the partners of the A's seem to have a higher recovery rate. There is hope.

Wishing you strength, courage and hope.

I know = ) And I'm going to give it 100%.... I just worry for my daughter!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

As Bettina said, the meetings are separate, so you don't have to worry about being at the same meeting as him.

It's true that Al-Anon teaches us to put our focus back on ourselves. But every now and then I wonder whether it's true that my ex has done what he maintained he was going to do -- gone to meetings and started working the program. Part of the program is making amends to those you have hurt as part of the addiction. So I recall that he hasn't made any amends to me, and I think, "Guess he didn't get to those meetings after all." That's not what the amends are for, but it does remind me not to hold my breath waiting for his supposed recovery!

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((((Welcome))))))))))))))),

Please know you are not alone....try and leave his disease to him...only he can want and achieve his road to a sober life.

You can get help for you....where there is life there is hope....sometimes life can seem hopeless but you are here and it is not....we understand, a lot of us have been in your shoes...and right now we are standing beside you to help you thru, you say you don't want your daughter to be raised alone by you...right now I think safety is the most important thing....I know you feel alone....I know you are afraid...dear sister you are not alone there is much help for you...try and remember this is a disease that gets worse as it progresses.

I am sending you prayers for you and the kids, if you can't make a face to face meeting please come here the meetings here will help. Keep coming back, keep learning....and trust me there is hope and as you progress in al anon you will feel better and begin to live again.

Prayers,
Andrea

sdisnie · Senior Member

Reading your post was very close to hearing myself, the only difference is I could never find that peace thinking i didn't have to come home to him. For whatever reason I just needed and wanted him there all the time, to just get better and be the man that I knew that he was. He is also a binge drinker. Could go months with nothing and then for no rhyme or reason...it would start again, and last for a week until he ended up in the hospital. Things would be great, we were very close, very loving, been together since we were kids...have 4 kids together....our 19 year old lived through it all and saw and remembers the most out of all of them.

I guess...do you want this for your daughter? for your son? If he can and wants to get sober, then support him, support his sobriety. I always supported my AH's sobriety...but he could never hold onto it long enough...He always gave up after so much time would go by.

Keep talking when you need to...we're all here for you
XO

Hopeless · Senior Member

Thank you, ladies!

I think my main problem right now is the anger that I have inside me, it seems I can't let it go = (    Here it is 8 days later (that is issued the PFA) and I still wake up angry at the situation!!!    I don't want to feel this way anymore and effects EVERY THING I do...   I can't focus on anything with out J creeping in my mind.     I also stop fearing him I'm constantly looking over my shoulder when I walk the dog or I'm outside with my kids...

I need to get to a meeting!!!   I just checked around my way and found some times that MIGHT work for me..    I also have a 12 year old that just started baseball so my schedule for me is so limited = (

Sdisnie, does your children see their father?     I would NEVER put my kids in jeopardy and right know his soberity consumes me...   I want to know if he is going, if he is serious, etc...

I guess these are the things I just need to let go of...

Hopeless · Senior Member

ugh...   another thing that has me upset..

I've been in constant contact with J's parents (they live 2 hours away)...   They have been calling me to see how I'm doing the kids and if I heard from J...    Well they did make contact with J and ever since then they haven't even called to see how the kids are = (    I understand a parents thinking when it comes to their child but what about the grandkids?      I'm so mad that they haven't called to see how the kids are doing, they especially didn't ask for this....

I would NEVER put my children in harms way but the fact that one day he could get visitations scares the shit out of me....      I don't know if that is why I'm obsessed with knowing how far serious he is about soberity or is it for me?!?!

UGH... My head is going in a millon directions it's exhausting!!!    On a better note I'm still really proud of myself for getting this PFA!     They constant worrying of what I'm coming home to is a huge relief but not knowing what he is doing or how serious he is totally takes over....

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.