The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't mention that everytime I hear a love song, when I am driving to town, my A husband is in my heart. Or that I sometimes have to still let it out and cry about the loss.
I don't mention I am so concerned about him, so little, so sick, so miserable. I wonder is he dead now? I see him as that little cute boy, hiding from his horrible abusive father, is he still hiding???
His love is so far away now. I don't feel it at all. Yet to be honest, though I try to hide it from myself, I know he is holding hope for me somewhere inside his heart. I know that.
If he ever has any clarity, I know he cannot figure out why this had to happen. How come the first time he fell in love and really loved, did it get taken away from him?
I have to tell myself he does not love me anymore, so I can move on. IF I thought there was any in there at all, I would still be going over to see him, just to hold him and feel him.
Have to admit, I saw him sober, in AA, a good person. Someone who stopped to help anyone in trouble. He sent me flowers, brought home neat old stuff, called me kissed me hello and goodbye. I would catch him watching me, when i was planting flowers or making something good to eat.
I could sleep with him. I mean really sleep. I have never slept like that before him or after him. Completely relaxed, unafraid.
He loved my body, I mean just how it is. I am no model type at all. But he made me feel by how he was and what he said, he loved my physical me too.
He played guitar and sang to me. Wrote me funny notes and cards, fed the animals for me, built me a cool barn, just for me.
He made me feel appreciated. We talked, but there was a lot of quiet, as he is quiet, but it was ok.
We spent so much time building things together out here alone. was neat.
Sometimes I think why bother, no one really cares anymore. Almost all my loved ones are dead now. My kids have their own lives.
I mean why bother mopping or doing wash or??? But I do it for me now. I sing to me now.
But GD I still miss him, mourn him, want him like I have never wanted another man.
Not just intimately, but my friend too. Where is my Mr. Bumble?? My Mr. Pea left the pod....
thank you for listening, love,debilyn, lonely Mrs. Bumble
Oh Debilyn, that was so beautiful!! It brought tears to my eyes. You are a beautiful person and I am so sorry you are sad.
Sounds like such wonderful memories, guess that's why we can't stop loving them. I'll never understand why that horrible disease steals them away. I think a lot of A's are so special, sensitive, loving deep down inside they are a speial kind of person. I guess we never forget that special person they used to be, after all, isn't that why we fell in love with tham in the first place?? My brother was a sensitive, loving very special person,and maybe, had he lived, he would have turned into an A. Maybe 'cause they are so sensitive, and easily hurt, they can't handle the pain and loss in this world, and drink to escape it, then the drink/drugs take over.. I remember the last time I saw him, in his coffin, he looked so peaceful. I thought to myself,"No-one will ever hurt you again". He was a guy that everyone loved and he has never been forgotten. If only he had known how much people did love him.
I'm happy for you that you do have those beautiful memories and so sorry that &^%*& disease stole him away. Thanks for your beautiful share. Did you ever think of becoming a writer? Love Ya, TLC
what a wonderful love story.Be thankful for the good memories at least you got some most of us dont.You know Deb it is never wrong to love ,I will love L...... till the day I die .I am also sad for you as you begin to grieve and let go it is daily process as we all know and sometimes from no where it comes hiting you right in the face.
It sounded like he loved you too the best he could
Ya know, I think Dori hit the nail on the head when she said,"the best he could". I don't know, but sometimes I wonder if a lot of these A's just don't know how to say some things? I know my Dad loved me, but he never once said so, I even believe I was his favorite 'cause he didn't critasize me as much as my brothers.
Debilyn, I wonder if he didn't support you when you were so afraid (your boob) because he couldn't. Maybe he was afraid he'd break down when he knew you needed him most? Maybe also, he feels he doesn't deserve you, maybe he thinks he's doing you a favor by staying away?
Just thoughts, may not make too much sense, sense isn't my strong point!! But these are things I just feel in my heart. Lord knows, I've made mistakes by listening to my heart Love, TLC
Thank you so much, Debilyn for sharing your beautiful memories. I am so very sorry for your sadness and grief; it brought tears to my eyes and my heart goes out to you. You are a courageous woman with a loving and caring heart and I feel so blessed to have read your beautiful love story.
Love & hugs - Shimo (Jeri)
__________________
The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
But I have to tell ya, I am not sad. I carry this in my heart all the time, every day!
I am really serene and one foot in front of the other. I guess I needed to open up about the "other stuff" becuz even seasoned but in recovery forever me, has stuff inside.
I agree about the why he wasn't there for the Boob stuff. Wondering how come I capitalized that....lol
Just like he was not there when mother died. He changed after surgery. And I have known him all my life.
I guess though, I honestly believe besides that, as we know, his drugs are waaaaaaaaaa aaay more important than me. And he has to work at this farm to earn that, and he is exausted when he gets home. But not too exausted to pick up his outfit.. needle etc for H.
"I've seen the needle and the damage done, a little part of it in everyone, but every junkies like the setting sun...."
WOW that was heartbreaking, brought tears to my eyes... actually triggered MUCH of what I often think of my ex A as well and how I felt. I guess some things in life are only here for a time and perhaps that time represents our time to get to know our own hearts. I will NEVER regret loving my ex and I don't know about you Deb, but when I think of him, I have peace knowing that WE are not together fighting or continuing to build so many resentments or anger towards eachother. I am thankful that I can feel all these feelings and have all these thoughts as you indicated. (Very similar) :) But, yes, I miss him sometimes terribly too. I can completely relate... I know that he will always be a part of my heart whether I'm ever in another relationship or not-- those memories and feelings will always remain.
Love, TLC