hi everyone.

have been so busy studying i havent had chance to pop in for a while.

am doing great with my dog trainer course - i have one more test to do and then i am fully qualified!  my business is starting to take shape and i have just been accepted as a foster carer for one of the local voluntary rescue organisations.  tomorrow i get my first foster case - a staffordshire terrier with jumping issues!  having owned these dogs before i am convinced this is just lack of attention (the dog is 7 months old and been in rescue twice  ). am sure i can sort her out ready to be accepted into her new forever home.

since the tragic loss of my friend's dog earlier this week (an innocent victim post for those of you who havent read it) i have gone through a transformation.  i was obviously distressed and somewhat angry at my friend for causing the fire in the first place.  having made the dog's grave look beautiful and being able to visit it every day has eased my grief and i have spent some time sitting with my furry buddy just chatting away about things in general, as you do.  i have found great comfort in this and am now at peace that he is running free over rainbow bridge with all the other furry creatures that are no longer with us.

my grief gave way to a completely new feeling of .....................  HOPE!
the day after the tragedy AH contacted me, having not spoken to me for over two weeks, to see how i was doing, knowing that i was very fond of the dog.  in his own inimitable manipulative way he tried to engineer my returning to him, in case i needed comfort (?) and told me he was worried about me as i now live on my own (?).  it suddenly dawned on me exactly just how controlling he really is and i was able to walk away with my head held high, not looking back as he hurled abuse at me again.

since that day i have totally focused on me and what i want out of life.  i am creating a life that suits me.  i go where i want, speak to who i want, have as many animals as i want, eat when and what i want, and its amazing to think how many tears and sleepless nights i have wasted on a man who is so under the control of drink that he only cares about himself.  i could torment myself about did he really love me?  was it me that made mistakes? should i have done more for him? etc but what would be the point?  any sign of love and support i show him is just thrown straight back in my face which causes more hurt.  he is now rallying the troups around him spreading all sorts of malicious gossip about me but i am taking no notice and not taking the bait.  several of my friends have told me that he wants me to move away but that just isnt happening.  i love my home, i have some really good friends who are supportive and kind around me, and i love my new job. 

leaving AH was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life.  i still love the old him, the one i fell in love with and i cant imagine being that close to anyone ever again.  it was so damn near perfect in the beginning but then Miss Alcohol became his mistress and took him away from me.  unless he decides for himself that she is not the one who truly loves him then there is nothing more i can do.  if  i met the new him for the first time i wouldnt even like him!  that was a real revelation!

with renewed hope and vigour i am embrassing all the challenges my new dog training business will bring my way and am grateful for the small things in life.  i wake every morning to the birds cheeping in the trees, the squirrels running amok in the woods and the smell of wet pine trees when it has been raining.  the sun is shining today and my heart is full of hope that i have found my inner peace at last.  i wish this feeling to roll over all of you, my friends and fellow sufferers.  it is a wonderful place to be.