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I've been married to my husband, a recovering alcoholic for almost 3 years now. While he hasn't had an alcohol slip up for almost year now, he has turned to strong anti-anxiety medications. In August 2008, he took a whole bottle of calanopin and acted drunk the entire night. I called his therapist after that and told him to stop perscribing that particular drug since that wasn't the first time he abused it. To keep the story short, he no longer was perscribed that medication, my husband found out and stopped going to that therapist (however, I told his new one to not give him anything that strong because he is a recovering alcoholic.)
There have been several slip ups since then (he has abused my perscription pain killers I got from kidney stones as well as his current anti-anxiety medicine). Over the last few months, I know he has been really stressed with work and money and can tell he has been taking something, but can't figure out what. I don't smell alcohol and I control how much anti-anxiety medicine he gets so I know it isn't (or at least shouldn't be) either of those. But he has been acting drunkish. Here is an outline of how he has been acting over the last few days.
Wednesday: I talked to him on the phone and he sounded very weird....almost like he was high. I joked with him about him being high and he just laughed. At the time, I thought it was just because he was tired or out of it or something. He came home and he acted a bit abnormal, but nothing to cause worry.
Thursday: He sounded weird on the phone again when I talked to him a few times while he was at work. He came home, pulled the car into the garage while my son and I were outside waiting for him to get home. He didn't stop in time and ran right into his work bench (not too much damage) but caused me to say "what is wrong with you!? You just ran into the work bench! He just said "what are you talking about?" and shrugged it off. While we were eating dinner, I asked him if he was taking extra of his anti-anxiety pills (at this time, I wasn't controlling them because he had just gotten a refill) and he got mad and told me he was hurt that I thought he was abusing again. He also asked why he just couldn't be happy and not have anyone question his drug use. I shut up because I didn't know what else to say. Then we took a walk that night and he was pushing our daughter and son in the double stroller and he kept veering off the sidewalk...like he couldn't control the stroller or something. We got home, he was slurring and acting more lovey-dubby than normal. He ended up going to bed at 9 p.m. where he usually goes to bed closer to 11/11:30 pm.
Friday: He woke up, I evaluated him to see if there was any change for the better, and there wasn't. He was still acting weird. I hid his percription so he asked me where his pills were, I gave him the right dose and he left for work. I talked to him again on the phone several times and he still didn't sound right. He came home, we took a walk and he couldn't control the stroller again! He was slurring and talking about weird things. We came home, he went to bed again at 9ish, which was weird.
This morning, we got up and ran some errands with the kids. He kept swirving into the other lane, almost rear-ended two cars because they stopped and he wasn't paying attention, hit the curb hard as he parked the car (because he didn't stop in time or something), ran a stop sign and like the past few days, was slurring a bit. The rest of the day, he was just acting like he was on something.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE IS ON and it is bugging me! I searched everywhere for a secret stash and couldn't find anything. I am controlling his anti-anxiety medication and I don't smell alcohol on him. Anyone have any ideas? I am so stressed out over this and our marriage that I am sick to my stomach. I don't want to be stuck in a marriage like this for the rest of my life! I am only 23 (he is 31) and I feel like I made a huge mistake (even though I love our 2 kids dearly). Can anyone give me advice and encouragement? I feel like there is no hope for him. He always going to abuse whether it's alcohol or something else I don't know about. I try loving him, but it is hard loving someone I don't like (his undertheinfluence self vs. his normal self). Please help!!
Sorry this is so long! I left some stuff out to shorten it up.
My H abused alcohol until he got sober in March of 2008. This past January, he fell off the wagon and drank for a few days and then hooked up with a friend and started using crack.
I also found a stash of prescription pills in a random bottle that his "friends" were giving him, plus he stole some of my flexeril. He had oxycontin, and a few other pills.
I used to look all over and couldn't find anything but I knew he was using something. They are very smart. My H visited doctors on his own and paid money and got pills filled. He bought them off someone and got them randomly from others.
You don't know. You are right to wonder. I don't have a lot of advice as I'm fairly new here myself, but I wanted to let you know that they can get away with anything.
I can remember a time where I was certain he was drinking, but he denied it. I would search the house trying to find his stash. Sometimes openly, some times secretly. I couldn't find it. I wondered if I was insane or if he had a brain tumor. It wasn't a brain tumor!
Assuming he is taking something, knowing the exact cause of his intoxication doesn't really change anything. When it comes down to it, what really mattered for me was what I would do, for me. My powerlessness over him was a tough lesson to learn. I did best when I decided what I would do to: keep me and my child safe, detach with love, listen out to my HP for "what next" without forcing others solutions on me or my husband. I had to do for me and he had to do for him. I wish I got that sooner LOL!
Aloha Amber...Feeling anxiety isn't gonna get and keep you and the family safe and he isn't going to jeapordize what ever it is that he's using. My suggestion is ask him for a pee test quickly before the police do. Ask him if he likes his job enough to keep it and if he is grateful for his drivers license enough to keep that also. Ask him if he can picture himself, name and all that on the front page of the local paper. If he's drifting off to the left that is the oncoming traffic side. Pee and blood test should get it done. Takes courage!! but if you get caught up in his dance the chances are real good the payoff will be unacceptable. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Before I got the truths of addiction I did just what you are doing. Is what you are doing, helping? no. We never know what someone else is doing. An addict is way more crafty and manipulative than any one of us know.
He could be holding what you are giving him to get clonapiin. He could be shooing up cooked down whatever! It just does not matter. We can do nothing, we cannot control anything. We hide his, he gets our medication. Or he goes out and scores it for whatever, tools, cigs, etc.
It is their disease not ours. Could you control what he ate if he was a diabetic? No.
All the disease is doing is running you ragged!
Believe me he is not in recovery, not for a minute. I don't know what a slip is, I never read it in any AA lit. When they use, they relapse. This includes all drugs. The body does not differintiate between heroin, alcohol, vicodan, oxicotin etc. It takes it in, breaks it down and metabolisized it and then shares it with every cell in the body.
Drugs are drugs. Our A's are very sick and it is not our business to talk to their therapist, done that, hold their pills, done that too. It is what we call their own inventory. As long as we allow the disease to have us running all over being crazy, we enable it great power.
Let Go. Go cook something yummy, play games with the kids, go shopping, run the dog, clean house, watch funny tv shows. Do we really want to waste our life hunting to see what the disease is up to???
I sure don't want to look back and see that. I see that I learned to sit with the AH and watch movies and hold hands if he was using or not. We worked together, sometimes slept together. I shared precious moments before the disease swallowed him whole.
Go glad you are here, there is so much to learn. At first I wanted to say no no but but.
Then hp slapped me upside the head and said,"GET it together you dipstick!"
I can see that you are thinking the same thing I thought, which is "If I can only control him enough, I can keep him from using." I always thought that just a little more monitoring on my part and I could stop things from sliding into chaos...
What I found out was that the times he was acting weird, he was drunk or high, and the times he wasn't acting weird, he was drunk or high and just in better control of it. By the time we see it, the problem has gotten bad. Because secrecy is often their main concern, because then no one will get on their backs about their addiction. Getting on their backs doesn't stop them for one minute, but they hate the hassle of it.
If your A is like mine was, his relapse probably started some time ago, and only now is it getting so far along that he can't keep the secret any longer.
And it doesn't matter who you tell, or how you try to control his supply of drugs. There are always places to get more. People even get them in prison -- so no matter how you lock someone up, if he wants them, he can get them.
Acknowledging that we are powerless over their addictions is a hard step. But it's the truth. If we could control them, there would be no alcoholics or addicts left in the world.
The only thing we can control is ourselves and the quality of our own lives. He's going to use or not use -- but what are you going to do? That's a question Al-Anon urges us to consider. I hope you can get to face-to-face meetings. Read lots on these boards. Learn how other people have learned to detach with love and make their lives good, whether or not the addict continues in his ways.
Everyone here has given you great guidance, I really cant add anything that would be eye opening.
Only time I ever did step in to control anything was when the Doctor gave the XAH prozac and he was drinking and falling all over the place, even fell down the stairs and landed and I thought he was dead. That was it for me, I found the prozac and threw it down the toilet. That I did for me, because I couldn't stand to see him fall, hit himself and die.
Also, if I thought he was high at all from anything, I never got in a car with him driving. Which was most the time, he was always drunk, 24/7. I was with the XAH for 26 years. I drove all the time. I did that to protect me. If we are to be with an addict, we must educate ourselves about this disease. The most difficult step for me to understand was "We are powerless over the disease", even when I read that for the first time, I said to myself, but my problem is different. "I can fix this" they don't know my situation. 16 years ago, I had a great sponsor. She was tough and boy am I glad, I had already been with the A for nine years. Went to Alanon meetings but didn't have a sponsor. I did overeaters and had a sponsor, because I thought if I got thinner he would stop drinking. I lost 40 lbs, but it didnt stop his drinking. Nothing that I ever did, stopped the drinking. I did get serious about Alanon and I did come to understand that "We are powerless" That we can only have domain over ourselves and you know what , I felt a certain freedom in that. It felt good that I didn't cause it and It wasn't up to me to control or cure it. I hope you do go to a face to face meeting, which was suggested. Keep coming back, because it works. Bettina
I have to agree with what everyone else has said so far. You have no idea what he is using. Does it really matter? often an addict will give up one drug and just start using another. He could be going to another doctor that you have no idea about. He could be buying it on the street. If an addict has a mind to they will get it from whatever source they can. He can have it stashed at work for all you know. My only suggestion is that you not put your's or your childrens life in danger by getting in the car with him if he is driving. Trust your instincts and not what he is telling you. A's are master manipulators and if you buy into his lies instead of trusting what you are actually seeing the insanity begins. Get to meetings if you can, come to meetings here if you can. Start working the program and see where it leads you. Blessings to you
What ever is going on with him - stop letting him push the stroller before it ends up in traffic And don't let him drive YOU or YOUR KIDs anywhere .. this will probably get erased hope u get to see it first .
Addiction is addiction is a disease. We didn't cause it We can't cure it We can't control is
All we can do is detach from it and begin to look after ourselves. Addicts hyjack our heads, steal our minds and consume our thoughts.
We become as sick as them eventually, unable to think straight or hold a thought in our heads that is not in some way related to them.
In Alanon I learned that my worrying was just a projection of my fear. It didn't change anything because my AH would find a way to stay drunk what ever I did or said. His consequences were his and not mine, yet I was the one feeling the guilt and shame.
I learned, one day at a time, to use the steps to find my way out of the insanity. My Alanon group saved me from the loony bin. I am forever grateful for them and to them.
Keep coming back. I hope you have some Alanon books to read. It really does work..
