The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I KNOW meetings help. I KNOW I need to be in the rooms. But why is it so hard to get there? I know I need a program in my life - so why do Iresist giving myself over to it completely? I promise myself I am going to go to a meeting - then I do not go and I beat myself up, lose hope and credibility. I must remember - nothing changes if nothing changes.
I know I can't fully recover unless I address all of my issues - yet some are harder to face and change then others. I guess maybe I need to accept that it can't be all black and white. I feel very lost and aching for direction.
I am grateful for this board and for being able to share.
((runnerchick))) meetings, the rooms help me to see im so not alone and some of my craziest thinking others share and how they work thru some of the issues has been invaluable to me...glad your here...:) thanks
For the first 3-4 months I was "fake it till I make it". I was angry, isolated, had no HP and thought this serenity thing was a myth. I did decide I had not one thing to lose by showing up once a week and listening. Thank goodness (and HP) for that.
Some day runner, I will see you writing: I have been coming here more and sharing! It feels good to let it out.
I am also getting some dry runs in as far as going to meetings. It is in my head and heart, now I gotta work at it getting my feet out the door. Pat me on the back!
It is soooo easy to change our outlook on us. Change those words in your pretty head! Did you leave and go to a shelter? Did you go bum off someone else? Even if you did, ya got yourself out!
The disease beats us down and we don't realized we got up this morn! We went to work, we held a conversation, we put a message on the board.
Those things are positive!
hugs hugs. so tell me what have you done that makes YOU smile today? deb
Thank you all for your kind replies. I have a friend that I met in the program and she is a true "go getter" -- things need to be done - she does what needs to be done to get them done. I, on the other hand, beat myself up for not going to meetings, not ticking off every item that lingers on my "to do" list - open destinations and tasks pulsating as if reminding myself that I haven't had the wherewithal to get the darn things done.
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. I need to be kind to myself, first and foremost. I seem to think I can do this thing called recovery, while still behaving like a drill sergant in my head, whipping myself with every deviation from the strict standards of right and wrong and good and bad I've developed over the years. THese same standards that keep me sick and from self-love and peace.
Today, for example - I have a bunch of things I'd like to get done. There is a meeting a little ways away from me. I definitely want to go for a run, I need to feed a friend's cats and dog while she is away and wanted to hit a store before the masses invaded. Being gentle with oneself is such a difficult task.
RC, the things you list out are exactly why we need meetings and sponsors, etc. They teach us not to beat ourselves up. They also teach us to trust a power greater than ourselves. The lightbulb went on recently for me in a very clear manner (I am a teacher and could relate to the technique): turning to a sponsor teaches me to turn to HP. Being accepted lovingly by an al-anon meeting teaches me to being lovingly accepted by HP, etc. Re-wiring, I say. Its all about re-wiring ourselves. hugs, J.
I was very overwhelmed. Members said focus on what u need to do and then prioritze it. You can do anything for fifteen minutes. Think in smaller incriments. I used to do what u are doing too - projecting, then beating myself up. It is self abuse and u are validating the belief/behavior that u are not worth more. You are worth more, come to belive that, get willing.
The changes are scary and this new beahvior bc it is new, thats it. New = scary, so if u set ur mind to it, u make the choice to do it anyway, in spite of ur feelings. Be kind and gentle to you (i felt ridiculous when I first tried this but) over a few days of constant practise it gets easier.
We have a lifetime of old habits and programming/coping mechanisms that dont get changed over night nor can u change them all at once. This all comes with practise. Practise following the boudnaries u set, practise loving and being kind to you. Say sorry I yelled at you -self/inner child. Forgive YOU and allow yourself to make a mistake. If u dont make mistakes - u cant learn anything, nothing is perfect (nor is it supposed to be). Try fall down, look around, get up and try again. Its ok. Give in to the process of practising it, that's all.
Focus on right now and what can u do to allow you to feel better? and then lighten up and enjoy the day!
I know that my only job is to love me, acknowledge and love god back for giving me the gift of my life and honor god by loving and respecting me. Everything else has stemmed from that. Life is much easier now that I deal with and accept the moment and not everything else in the future.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
RC Just for a while try coming to the meetings here on line. Just listen... you will hear your story, you will hear your same feelings and emotions being shared and how others have worked to overcome some of the same issues you are having. You don't have to share unless you feel comfortable doing so. In the begininng for me it was best to sit back and listen and learn. This is a safe place and we are here for you. Blessings
Great topic.I've been finding meetings to be very hard. When I do het to them I fel incredibly angry. I've shared a little bit on feeling resentful for having to be there. What I did not share is that looking around the room at older women in not so great places in their lives makes my depression go off the charts.I feel like it's the blind leading the blind. Don't get me wrong I believe in the Alanon program. I just feel more hopeless and depressed at face to face meetings.I don't feel that with online meetings.I have also been going to face to face meetings for about a year. I have a sponsor and know I have to talk with her more and do my Step 4. Any esh appreciated.
hehe.... my motivation was perhaps a little less "honorable" than others.... a counselor once told me I was as "messed up as my A", and that was what I needed to hear - my competitive juices kicked in and got me going into my recovery, cuz there was NO way I was gonna let my A "win" in the recovery race, lol....
Whatever it takes.... but you are right on the money.... being gentle to yourself is key..... for instance, if you were "hoping to go to four meetings, and only made one", you could choose to:
a) beat yourself up about not making four as you had hoped for; or b) be grateful for getting to one.....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
