The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of my new insights is that my family of origin had an attitude of contempt and derision for certain people and that never changed no matter what happened that didn't change. When I come across a person like the ex A who exhibits the same contempt and derision I was hooked in by not being able to accept it in my parents and many of my family of origin.
I can flip right back to being a child and feel helpless and a victim. I spent years trying to change the ex A not just because he was an alcoholic and an addict but because he exhibited that attitude. As I couldn't change my parents I certainly couldn't change him.
I no longer hold out the hope that someday the ex A will see the damage he caused or the pain he caused to those around him. For many people they never get to the place of having regret or remorse.
I also see that in order to move on that on some level I have to let go and accept that was my reality for most of my life. I'm not sure how I can be anything but feel a victim but I'm willing these days to try to move to that place as I've seen other people in al anon who've made the transition and I like what they have. On some small level I feel I deserve to be happy, joyous and free rather than bitter, wounded and angry.
Maresie, I so know what you're talking about. I have come to realize that my family of origin was distant and emotion-suppressing and cold and judgmental (I thought that was normal). And I've ended up in relationship after relationship with people who were distant, emotion-suppressing, cold, and judgmental (I thought that was normal). I just don't see it, or even more, it feels so familiar. And then I get hooked into wanting them to change. It feels so devastating that they will never realize how damaging their attitude is. I'm trying to realize that this is because it's as if only one of us can define reality, and they have more of a vote than me. So unless they acknowledge the pain, my reality isn't real -- that's the illusion I've been operating under. I guess that's where detachment comes in!
I can so incredibly relate to all of this. I feel like I've been a victim most of my life - it makes me believe that I do not have choices and that I am helpless and hopeless.
I know that for me, in order to move on I need to accept responsibilty for my recovery and for where I am at today and allow myself to stop bringing my PAST into my PRESENT by reliving it. In the seminar I attended a few months back there was an emphasis on releasing your past, understanding that it keeps coming back into the present, if I allow it. This is so very difficult, it absolutely requires diligence and patience and compassion with myself. I get so stuck in believing that the reason why I went through everything was because I was born "bad" or unworthy or defective. I have to learn how to come over this and to be happy, joyous and free.
I think that sometimes we re create childhood experiences and relationships into adulthood so that in some odd way we think we can get it right or fix it ...this time....sadly it doesnt work that way..we just re create it bringing the same insanity back again with no resolution. Until i saw this i kept doing it...thank you for the post..blessings :)
Aloha Maresie...Awesome post and perspective...I learned while studying the genetics of the disease that Attitudes of the family were also inherited and I picked them up and worked them as well as anyone in my family...sick!! Then came the program and sponsor. I can choose and change my attitudes at any time. I can take a different perspective of a picture just to do that rather than be caught into one negative attitude. I learned to find the good. That's what I do today. It isn't as hard as before. Thanks for the subject. (((((hugs)))))
For me, I quit feeling being a victum of his when I realized it was the disease not my AH doing this to me.
I have no bitterness at all, don't feel much at all anymore. I care and am so sorry he lost so much. Me too. But he would never have chosen to go thru this horrible life he has had. I sure did not.
When I changed my wording to the disease sucked me dry, not he sucked me dry, my compasssion grew. I know I really love him as I do not keep account of the injury, how could I? It is not a obsessive love I cannot get rid of anymore. It is just caring, clean love for a very sick person who used to be my mate.
Was so freeing when that hit me, serenity is hard to explain. Ya just really know everything will be ok. Even if you have to vent some concerns, that foundation is there.
Where I work at the moment (which is a difficult thing since we are in a recession) the management (what there is of it) has contempt for the employees. The alcoholic who I used to get on the train with has the same contempt which I know is why they promoted him. While I can detach today due to a lot of practice and more practice nevertheless I can find myself reacting to that attitude as a trigger rather than a passing situation.
Naming my triggers is so key for me. I have to have lots of distance from those people who are in active alcoholism (which includes my younger sister). Their drama and chaos can very easily pervade my life.
One of my amends to my dogs (who were really badly affected by my relationship with the ex A) is to not have them affected by chaos and trauma anymore. So I set lots of limits and avoid certain people because of that. Nevertheless no matter how much I avoid, detach, pray and more I am still in many many situations where I have to deal with people daily who have contempt, active addictions and reign chaos and confusion on others.
One of my amends to my dogs (who were really badly affected by my relationship with the ex A) is to not have them affected by chaos and trauma anymore. So I set lots of limits and avoid certain people because of that. Nevertheless no matter how much I avoid, detach, pray and more I am still in many many situations where I have to deal with people daily who have contempt, active addictions and reign chaos and confusion on others.
Maresie.
Dear Maresie I admire your recovery and your determination to provide a loving home for your beautiful dependent pets.
I agree no matter how hard we work, there will always be people who use the destructive tools of contempt, gossip and chaos to interact with the world. I must always keep my program at the forefront of my mind when dealing with the world.
Somehow this program has truly instilled the value of practicing these principles in all our affairs and placing Principles above Personalities
I have found that recovery is a process and Maresie your recovery is admirable
