The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
On Thursday I talked to H about his drinking. I started out nagging and being "mommy" and then stopped myself and talked to him in "I" statements and actually expressed my emotions (something that is VERY hard for me).
I told him that I was scared about his drinking, scared that it will progress, scared that it will hurt our family, scared that I will lose him. He was very sweet, but I could see he was in total denial. He said I had nothing to be scared about, that he didn't have a problem, that there was nothing wrong with how he and his brother-in-law drink (I brought up how insanely drunk they get when together...birds of a feather) or that even his BIL is totally fine and not an alcoholic because he "doesn't drink everyday" (yeah right). I cried, which I rarely do in front of him.
The most transparent part of the conversation was when I said "If you don't have a problem, why don't you stop drinking?" and he replied in a high-pitched, defensive voice "I don't want to!!!". As an addicted smoker for 15+ years ( I haven't smoked in 5+ years), I TOTALLY remember saying that!!!!
So here is why I feel CRAZY- now he is not drinking like he normally does. He drank one beer at dinner last night, which normally would "prime" him for about 4-5 more. He didn't even go to the store to get some, as we had none in the house.
I know this is him being on his best behavior to prove to me he doesn't have a problem. I know this- when he would make comments about my smoking, I would go on smoking fast, so he wouldn't think I had a problem. I remember this. He barely has drank at all, but the weekend has yet to begin.
BUT, of course this feeds into my longing to believe that this is really not a problem. That I am overreacting, that I am somehow just wrong, that my pregancy hormones are making me crazy.
I feel like I want to keep watching his habits, to see if this is all true. But why do I care if it is true? Im looking for the silver bullet where Ill walk away and say yep, hes an alcoholic. But doing this is just denial, just deluding myself, isnt it? Im busying myself trying to see if he is, its easier to have the shred of hope that Im just wrong and I wont have to deal with it all. Sigh.
I'm not going to talk to him about this for a while. I can see that it is not my job to prove to him that he has a problem. We are going to Vegas for a wedding next weekend and I bet I will see his true drinking colors- how could he not? Free flowing alcohol and all his heavy drinking buddies. I'm sure I'll get my "proof".
But still, I feel so crazy!!! Like..."does he have a problem?" Yes..no...yes...maybe...yes...no...
Did/do others feel like this in early "recovery"? Or whatever I'm in?
Thanks for listening to me, this is all uncharted territory for me and I appreciate your wisdom.
You are not crazy, oppida. I remember clinging on to every shred of of hope that my AH had stopped drinking - he hadn't - he'd just got better at hiding it. You are right to be sceptical but I would just stay watchful at this stage and wait and see if what he is trying to prove is, in fact, true. (It never was with my AH). But it is only recently that I have admitted to myself that he will never stop drinking.
Everyone is different - he might get some control back - I think you will know. I wish I could be more optimistic for you but I suppose we only have our own good or bad experiences to fall back on.
In the end, you will make up your own mind about what you will do. All we can do is be here for you and reassure you again and again - YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!
Love and (((hugs)))) Tish
-- Edited by Tattyhead on Saturday 17th of April 2010 02:57:16 PM
I would assume if this is driving you crazy, you can assume there is a drinking problem. The thing is that its affecting you in a negative way and making you feel like your crazy. Thats what A's do, they make crazy and so do we in response to all the craziness. They can be so convincing in telling us there is no problem, especially when we want to believe them. This is our denial.
Whether he is or isnt is not the issue. I dont think you are imagining a problem or blowing it out of proportion. There appears to be a real issue. So in Alanon we try to live in the solution for ourselves. Not for the alleged A. There is help and Im happy you are reaching out to Alanon and this board.
Don't know if your going to f2f Alanon meetings, but it sure would help to share your experiences and to listen to others who have lived and are living with the disease of alcoholism, then you can decide if thats where your suppose to be. Wishing you strength, courage and hope.
Remember nothing you have done or will do will make your husband stop drinking. We don't have the power to make them stop drinking or for that matter nothing we do will cause them to start drinking. We are powerless over the disease---and our lives have become unmanageable. Whether you prove to yourself that your H is an alcoholic, or is not----the disease is having a tremendous effect on you. That is very obvious from you two posts.
It took me a long time, not to decide, but to realize my wife was an alcoholic. When I came to that conclusion nothing changed, except I knew I was living with an alcoholic. Nothing I had ever done made any changes in her---Nothing!! I was powerless over the disease.
I got involved in the Al-Anon program and made it a part of my everyday life. The program taught me I could change me and gave me the tools to live with the disease. It saved my life, it made my life better. I hope you will consider giving the program a try, it's worked for thousands of people world wide. It can do the same for you---and you deserve it.
I remember wanting so badly - convincing myself that the "signs" were not there. I didn't want to believe it. You're not alone and you are NOT crazy - alcoholism is a family disease- which means it affects all those involved with the drinker - we become "crazy" because we become obsessed with controlling the drinking, "figuring it out", trying to affect theri recovery and help them see the light. You're so not alone.
Sounds like denial, layers and layers of denial. I hope you are attending as many al-anon meetings as you can get yourself to. Try 90 meetings in 90 days? hugs, J.
Aloha Oppida....I did what Bettina, RLC and Jean suggested and infact on what Jean suggested I got to about 102-103 meetings in 90 days and after that I was so much better. The alcoholic kept on keeping on. Keep coming back.
I NEVER saw my AH drunk. never. They can hide it in ways we never think of. In the washer, in the dryer, under the mattress in a sweater in their drawer, in their boots, outside in the dog house.
What makes anyone believe they can see what they do, shows us how darn manipulative the disease is!
You are so right, what does it matter, we are not in control of it anyway. So I invite you to go to the wedding, have a good time no matter what the A does. It does not reflect on you, who knows maybe you will enjoy each other anyway.
I am sure he won't be the only one drinking there.
Alcoholism is a family disease. Our part of this disease is reflected in our incessant need to "Try to figure it all out, and Control the Uncontrolable " so we donot have to look at ourselves and change.
YOu have pointed out that his entire family has problems with alcohol or drugs so you would qualify for alanon just based on your interaction with your extended family.
Alanon tools will enable you to live life to the fullest with, understanding, compassion, and honesty.
Please keep coming back and look up those meetings.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 18th of April 2010 08:31:46 AM
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 18th of April 2010 08:32:57 AM
He is trying to prove to himself that he dosent have a problem and of course you too . What matters is that when he drinks how it affects you , not how much or how often or who he drinks with . Al-Anon will help u with understanding this is not about you, its his problem don't make it yours . I smiled when u spoke of having a conversation with him about his drinking , he dosnt have a problem your over reacting certainly rings a bell with me , had that conversation many times in the past. to no avail . Watching him and his habits is a waste of your time , when they see that your watching * and they do see * they just get more clever , start hiding booze , start drinking before they get home etc . your expecting a baby I am sure u have better things to do than monitore his habits. Please find a meeting for yourself , u need support from people who understand , and perhaps if you say to h im that his drinking is causing you a problem he may understand the need for meetings . your not calling him an alcoholic just stating that his drinking is causing you a problem. This board is good but by not attending f2f meetings u are missing so m uch of what this program has to offer . Relax enjoy and take care of you , with baby comming your going to get real busy soon ..
I'm trying to figure out a way to go to meetings- I have 2 kids under 5, I work from home full time and my H works from 8am-8pm. I'm seeing if my mom can watch the kids in the AM and I can go to a meeting. For now, I've reached out to my mom's very good friend who has a recovering alcoholic husband- she is very involved in Alanon- she volunteers there on a regular basis. She's bringing me some literature, books and we are going to chat more. The very best I can do right now is read and educate myself, until I can figure out a way to go to f2f meetings...
Thanks again. Your insight is really helpful, this is all so new to me.
