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As expected, my ex finally got in touch to talk about the baby that is due in a few weeks. He wanted to be there at the birth, and for me to pop round and see him from sometimes. I was kind of going along with it, then after the call it just didn't feel right. Why pop round and see him? He swears there is noone else in his life and he does not want that for now. He is 7 years clean. He has booked an holiday in 3 weeks time and is away for the week. His selfishness kills me. What if I go into labour then? He would be too far away to get there. Yet he expects to be there if it fits around his holiday. Well I decided that im not going to psychologically put myself through that. If there is a chance he will miss the birth, due to his holiday, then I am going to stick to my original birth plan and have my friend in with me. I am not going to mess her about and expect her to fit around when he is free. I am also not going to put myself through more anguish in case I have the baby while he is away. If he goes away, I will not let him know when I go in labour and that to me feels right. At least then I can prepare myself mentally and not have to worry about 'what ifs'. It feels good to take care of my needs for once and not his. Yet I still feel so sad and scared and abandoned and low on his list of priorities. I am not sure how much more hurt I can take. I told him im sticking to my original birth plan, as I don't want to mess my friend about and that I was glad we was talking, as it will be easier to arrange access. No reply! That was yesterday. He told me his Mother paid for the holiday, because I was upset he was paying for holidays when he has not give me any money or help to get things the baby needs. His selfishness stings. Im tired of having a life with no one there for me, yet I aknowledge im lucky to have a friend, but she has her own life and family with a partner who has always been there for her. Why have my actions and choices left me so alone in this world?
Oh my dear, I feel your pain. I went through this 18 years ago and have gone through it many times since (feeling alone and abandoned). Yet to find the answer, really. I seem to always play the role of the caretaker, no one really takes care of me. I am just learning to accept it and only offer what I am comfortable with. No is becoming a complete sentence.
Please, I implore you to try as hard as you can to set his issues aside. He is the one loosing here if he is not present for the birth of his child. BIG TIME. I got to be there for the birth of my child (obviously LOL), and I have gotten to be there every day since and it has been a blessing. So much so - his wants, needs, and selfishness faded away into nothing. I don't know if this is your first child, but if it is you will see. This is reality. This is the most magnificent thing on the planet, hands down.
I think you are doing a wonderful job. Yes, keep to your plan - you can have more than one person there. And what a friend indeed! Going through the birth of your child with someone will solidify your relationship, take it to a new level. And him having you "come around" at his whim - pfffft - all I can say is that is extremely selfish behavior and seems to be a common trait in men (not all), especially if you let them get away with it. You be at their call when it suits them. They are not there for you emotionally or any other way - but when they want their needs met they expect you to drop everything and come pamper them. NOT!!!
Again, you feel you are being abandoned - and you are correct. He is abandoning you. But it is his loss 100%. You will get through this. You have your friend at your side and soon you will have the most precious bundle of joy ever. Focus on that. You will have your hands full. If he is not emotionally into it, thank goodness he isn't going to be there! Who wants someone who is going to detract from the day? You need people around you who are going to support you, love you, and be as happy as you are about what is happening. Please try to be happy. It is also my belief that if you are in a better frame of mind the birth will be physically easier. I know that sounds silly, but if the pain is that of love and acceptance instead of hurt and abandonment - I truly believe it won't hurt as bad.
I am so proud of you for sticking to your original plan. If he is on holiday - so be it! No place on earth is going to be a better place to be than the birth of your child. His choice, nothing you can do to control it, and you being upset during the birth of your child is you letting his selfishness and actions control YOU. Do you want him to have that power? Does he deserve it? Does your baby deserve to not have you fully present and glad to see it's arrival in the world?
Wish I could be there to hold your hand, wipe your brow, and give you encouragement. I was not fully present emotionally at the birth of my child and I missed it, I didn't celebrate it, I didn't realize the significance of that day until it had already passed. I can't get it back and I didn't have the opportunity to do it again. It is the one thing I would change in my life. The ONLY thing. And all it would have taken was a change in how I viewed things. Sorry, I usually don't give advice - but I am pretty adamant about this. It truly is the ONLY thing I would change in my life if I could.
My best to you. Chin up. You are doing great.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Ayjay, sweetheart, you owe this man nothing. He has not been there for you up until now and even then he is expecting you to "pop round and see HIM sometimes"!! I think this selfish, self centered (can't think of anything polite) man is the last person you need at the wonderful event which will be the birth of your baby.
You say you feel alone but you also have a friend who is willing to be your birth partner. This is a true friend. You can do without the selfish ones.
In the end, you will do what you feel is right for you but please don't feel you have any obligation to your ex.
You already are aware that you need good feelings for yourself during this period of time so save the answer to the last question for later. Good luck on the birth and tho we will not be there we will be here. I pray all goes well and am asking my HP to hang out with you during this time. My HP knows something about the subject.
As for the alcoholic in your life sounds like you'll do better of without him yeh? A Higher Power greater than him will work fine. Let us know how it goes. (((((hugs)))))
I looked to others for the majority of my life -- looking to them to give me attention, to love me, to acknowledge me and validate my feelings. When i took the focus off of my A"s and put that love onto me - loving me first and foremost as my own first priority - with god's love & support - suddenly that feeling of being abandonned left me bc I was there loving me first. I quit abandoning myself and in that moment I felt everything would be ok, I felt god's presence and I realized that was the most precious and beautiful thing of earth.
I dont blame you, I wouldnt let my guy know when i went into labor if he didnt even prioritize being there for it. It's a miracle, birth and a one in a life time experience. Focsu on you and your true needs for a peaceful and happy life (not your fantasies of what should or could have been -- I sure had to grieve those fanstasie for the life I felt I missed out on).
Focus on you and the baby and this most precious special time. Be kind and gentle to YOU and express love for yourself anyway you can think of (esp physically, relax, moisturize, drink fluids, meditate, eat healthily) -just take special care of YOU, you deserve it!
"Why have my actions and choices left me so alone in this world?" -ayjay
Our lives a merely a consequence of the choices we make, it isnt about being a good/bad person. It isnt personal, we can affect that and we certainly can change to make healthier choices.
I learned (when I loved me first) that I am not ever alone, I have -me- now and I have a relationship with my HP/God. You are about to have a child... so, I really dont see u as being "alone" at all. You are worth your own good loving, so love on you, ur worth it! Look around and think of what u can be grateful for around you right now. Breathe deeply, close ur eyes and enjoy what u have, its all fleeting and everything changes, just look at nature. Enjoy this moment, work it for you and ur baby. *big smiles*
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Wow TLcate I really needed that, so a huge big thank you. It really made me sit and and say......NO......and stick to it :D I deserve to be treated so much better than this. Somehow your post helped me to really see that, isntead of knowing thats how I should be feeling, but not quite feeling it. Then I read Tattyheads post and felt even stronger. then Jerry and Kitty just added to it further, until I felt as strong as a mule.
Today I went to a mind body and spirit festival with my friend/birthing partner. I bought some pamper oils for me and the baby, and massage oil for the baby, as I plan to go to baby massage classes with her. I also picked up my guitar for the first time in ages tonight, and played her a little pink floyd (wish you were here) :D
I feel so strong, and im sure it has a big influence from your posts, so thank you so much, the healing power of these boards amazes me.
I was expecting to be told I was being controlling, and to look at myself. That is what he will say. He has withdrew again, no contact, thats how he punishes me I think and breaks me down, then he comes back with how controlling I am and all my faults, until I get to a point where he has full control over me. Believe me I am a very strong, independent woman, so how he manages it I don't know?
I came through an dysfunctional childhood, that left me with deep scars. I left school with nothing, going straight into abusive relationships, had my first child at 19. Then I began to get on my feet, went to college, began to study, had more unhealthy relationships and another son, continued to study, began an interest in personal development, ended up at university, had a break down, then became a counsellor, and now have worked in the substance misuse field for 5 years, bought my own house, grown in myself emotionally, and now, well now you are all helping me go even further.
Thank you so much, as I could not get any further on my own anymore. I am tired of the same patterns of thinking......awwww with a bit of love he will be ok.........dam!!!!
I feel like the sky is the limit, now I have found that actually reaching out for help, instead of doing it all alone, really does work :) XX
Our life partners are with us to build us up, not tear us down. This rule has helped me a lot.
When I spend time with people who are tearing me down, something is very wrong- with ME and MY DECISION to remain in the presence of negative people. The choice is mine. I can choose to remain in that presence or I can choose to depart from that presence. I keep it real simple.
How am I going to spend my time? What am I going to surround myself with and with whom? What kind of energy do I want to manifest? Where is the honor, respect and dignity in my life?
My partner and I are together out of love, support and building up/belief in each other and our expanding capacities. We are growing and evolving. We are independent yet deeply engaged. We want each other to be joyous, happy and free and to follow our chosen bliss.
We are here on this planet to be happy and to honor the gift of our miraculous life, not spend our life in misery. hugs, J.
