wow, how can I word this -- yes whatever he is or is not doing, to hurt you intentionally -taking in that level of soul slaughtering pain in ~ you are taking that into you, you are owning that for him, you cannot and are not responsible for him or his disease.  You are responsible for you and your feelings.  You are all that really truly matters.  Become willing to believe this.  Forgive YOUrself for whatever u did in the past and surrender it to HP/God.  Then focus on YOU not ur AH and dont compare yourself to anyone.  I used to do that too and it creates fear, insecurity and it steals love for the self. 

You can have dreams again but first it takes time to get to re-discover the self and by loving the self, that happens as u keep working it in recovery.  It is codependent to focus on another person and it enables the disease to thrive in you both.  It models enabling for kids.  So working it, focusing on you, loving YOU ~ I had to do this with God bc I didnt know how.  I asked to be shown how to love me, practically. 
   If ur in a sm town or soemthing and thats why the stuff is thrown in ur face, u just see it out - surender it to HP/god that moment - cry, laugh, whatver u have to do to let it go and give it to god.  These are opportunities to work in program.  It hurts, awareness is painful but u dont have to hold onto it.  Forgiveness sets u free.  I was resistent too and it is a painful process but then it is over and gone and u are truly freed, liberated from it.  That pain keeps us tied to people thru abuse in the past.  Another thing I learned is that my feelings arent (necessarily) "the truth" they are just my feelings.  My sick perception had my reality all askew.  Emotions are strong energy but they pass, they are completely transient and can wash over you, if ur willing to feel through them. 

For me everything in program came down to my willigness - bc I had to first become willing to listen to a new idea so I could actually try it.  HOW Honest, Open minded and Willing is the fastest way.  By surrendering and becoming willing to turn this over I could stop suffering in the present and leave it in the past.  Bc for twenty years all I did was dread the future, re-live past pains - making them a reality.  By surrendering and asking for forgiveness, forgiving myself for poor choices and for being human, forgiving others for what they did to me - bc I didnt want that pain-tie anymore. 

Accept I can only control me not the everyone else and the universe -so- stop fixating on outcomes and the future -- focus on what I can to do allow me to feel better today/right now.  What can I help me with & then as a parent, what ur kids need.  Teach them to let go and forgive and love the self too.  All we have is this moment - tomorrow doesnt exist and no one knows the future - yesterday is past - today, now u can take action if you want to.  I didnt know I had choices or could even think for myself, truly.  I was programmed to do for others.  Focsuing on me was all new and an entirely different experience.  It has taught me so much more about what love is and what my HP is.  Your kids will emulate u on your road to health and recovery. 

I do not belive god punishes us -anymore- but I did think that at one time, too.  It is bc of what ur focusing on.  Focus on you and forgive you.  Your inner child is in ther waiting for u to take her by the hand and reparent where others left off.  I used to beg god to take these negatvie feelings from me -and for a long time it didnt work.  I discovered that bc of free will god wont take anything from me -but- if I become -willing to- hand it over, let god worry about the future and all of the details... my job is to love me like god loves me - be present in this moment and enjoy this life.  It is fleeting and the only one I have.  Self love is about self preservation.  Being a martyr gets you dead.  If you start with you, there is so much more to give - it is exponential and keeps expanding.

As far as my buttons used to go - bc I have very few buttons at all anymore ~ I decided I was tired of being irritated constantly  (part of that stress was due to my own undiagnosed ADD which has recently been rectified) and I knew that the common denominator was me.  After all I did not want to particpate in manipuatlive relationships anymore bc that was the dynamic with my parents.  I wanted to change that about me.  I would no longer respond to the manipulative - when I come across it I say no.  Most of the irritations came from me expecting or demanding anything from others that - they didnt "give me".  When I recognized this I said - its immature and I choose not to act that way now, so I let go of being demanding and expecting outcomes. 

My "buttons" are my triggers, they are things for some reason, am giving too much credit or validity.  I also found that most of my pain was in my ego and when I did the forgiveness work and became more humbled - I could see the ego more as  a way to outwardly esteem myself thru social interactions, in society or with people -- I chose to focus on me 100% and my HP.  Stepping away from the ego - lets u experience your emotions more objectively.  I still have to feel through them -feel, deal, heal- Im talking about when i was trying to deal with the feelings.
    When I take a pause and feel that rush of energy in the emotion -- instead of jumping up, autmotaically reacting to it - but sit and feel it.  Feel it fully for five minutes.  Then the biggest surge of it, is over, it is like a wave.  Ok, so maye at first I would sit and feel it for 15 or 20 minutes or longer but now with practising it, it only takes a few mins. now.

My reactions, triggers, buttons, dont have to control me, I dont have to allow them to, I can choose to control me and by feeling my feelings through first, I actually can think objectively and respond however I think and want to, what will be the best way for me to respond - bc there are always consequences to oour choices.  I have to be ready to accept that as it occurs too and by giving up my fear by not focusing on future unreal events - but focusing on what is hp's will for me.

When u love you first - you are no longer looking outside of you for validation from others.  You love you first, god is there with you.  We practise and excersize faith in god and, by focusing on now -that gives us something to remind us to do -to not fixate on future outcomes.  Those are fantasies and for me a lot of them were fearful.  Fear destroys love.  I now take fear as a -sign from my body/mind to redirect my thinking.  When I think about what I can do right now - to do something positive, to create something, that brings me close to my hp/god.  The divine is nothing if it is not creative.  lol

I like that I am surprised by life now.  I really was jaded and sick bc of all the things I held onto, man, I had a mountain of resentments and I was very negative.  Even with my own self talk, I was abusive and I was perpetutaing it.  You know, people can hurt you if you belive the words they are saying.  We give it the meaning.  If you belive you are inherently "good" -ugh- hate to speak that way, (using good/bad -is a judgment) or if ur like me and felt u were no good - dont believe that -it is NOT true.  We are here, as children of god, we are designed to love and be loving.  Our lives are to be enjoyed.  I was suicidal and the day I actually tried to work program - in fact it was three years ago now -- I had already been at MIP working it for two years, full time (hyperfocsuing on it w/ my ADD) - setting boundaries, trying to love me - anyway I had the suicidal ideations for 25 yrs - I attempted over twenty one years - three times, three different ways.  At 15, 36 & 39.  The last time I was completely sober, extremely angry.  Had set up for it weeks in advance, so it was an impulsive act -or- it was easy for me to act it out if I wanted.  ugh.  Anyway, I was there and I knew what i was doing was going to work in about 1 minute, Id done thorough research (3 strikes ur out right, that would have been humiliating, so I made sure it was it)  -- my cat was there, talking to me, moewoing a lot, her face was all crumpled up, worried. 
     The thought came into my head, this is a choice, you have not even begun to live.  I decided to actually try it - try program, try it for real, 100%, take the leap of faith.  Besides, I can always try hurt myself if program doesnt work out.  lol As long as u are alive u have choices.

I got right down and went into the chat room here & a good friend from there at night - popped in and said I was nudged, urged to come in here right now.  He was at work and didnt requent chat during the days.  Well he let me completely vent it all on him for an hour or more and he forgave me for it and said this is now all new. 

That is the truth.  Look around you at what u see, what do you have... think about every little thing u can be grateful for and -enjoy it, celeberate it.  Where there is life, there is hope and love and forgiveness.  Focus on what you want to manifest bc what we focus on grows.

(oops, lol, sorry this was so long but it all poured out, guess I needed to write)

Take care of YOU whatver that looks like.



-- Edited by kitty on Saturday 17th of April 2010 01:35:12 PM