The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In my heart I love him so much but in my head, I know he can never be the man I need him to be. So, why does my heart and mind have to have this struggle? Since my last post, so much has happened. We had another heart to heart talk. I asked him to quit for 30 days, to prove to himself and me that he could do it. He says he can but I know he won't. He said if i was with him, he would not feel the need to go out and drink. But his drinking is what prevents us from getting being together and getting married. I won't do it. So, I feel guilty. Would he really quit drinking for me if we were married? My heart so wants to believe and have faith in his ability to do this. But logically, I know it is not going to happen. Well, after our heart to heart, I had a weekend without my 2 boys, that Friday, I was to meet him at his house, we were going to spend the whole weekend together. I was on my way to his house and I called him. Guess where he was?? Out with friends in a bar. I waited for 40 mins. His excuse was I didn't realize we had a set time. Even though we discussed a time. Well i was ready to leave but he pulled in his driveway. He was not drunk and seemed to have only had a few. So, I stayed. we had a very nice weekend. Although, I was distant and kind of quiet. He did not drink Saturday and Sunday, just non-alcoholic beer. I could see he was trying to please me. Monday, he went out and had a couple at dinner. Tuesday we had lunch and he did not go out Tuesday Night. I had a very busy week and could not be available to spend time due to my kids and their activities. Wednesday, he went out drinking, thursday he was out drinking and then again on Friday and Saturday. I finally told him... i am done... I can't do this anymore. I am so tired of him drunk texting and calling me. When he drinks, he is so needy. He recently started telling me half stories and avoiding my calls. Leaving out a couple of bars he had been too. He trys to make it sound better. I know better than to be in a relationship with a man that has this weakness, this addiction. So, why did I allow my heart to fall in love with him, despite my better judgement. We were friends first and I should have known! I have never cared and loved someone as much as I love him. We have passion and chemistry. I hate the fact that I can't be with him because of this disease!!! It is not fair. I know he loves me so much too... It just sucks! So, I stopped seeing him. But, I can't stop thinking about him. Every song that comes on, reminds me of him. I am sad without him but not happy when I am with him. How can this be? It is confusing! I once again explained to him in an email, why i have ended our relationship. He responded asking me to lunch with him so we could talk. i went... even though I knew once I saw him it would make it that much more difficult for me. So, I put up my guard, had very little eye contact and didn't talk much. He sent me a little email aferward stating how good it was to see me and seeing me has made him realize just how important I am to him. He always knows what to say to me. We had another 96 min conversation later that night and I stood my ground and told him I cant be in a relationship with him. Where was i tonight? Over at his fricken house and he talked me into his bed room to get away from his licking dog. He said nothing would happen. I knew it would. Why do I put myself and him through this??? I need to just cut off all contact with him. I become weak when I see him, because he has my heart. But i need my heart back !!! I can't be with him. So, how do I get him out of my mind and not care, when i do? How do i stop loving the man that I want to be with... but cant? How do I push him to the curb and throw away the passion that I have never felt with anyone?
Why can't he just stop drinking??? He is addicted to alcohol and I am addicted to him.
Our hearts want something that isn't. Our heads deny the problem to satisfy our hearts.
I suspect you're new to Al-anon. The program is not an overnight solution- it is a learning experience. It takes time. And with learning and time comes an understanding of why we do what we do.
One question you might ask is why this guy? What makes him so special? Why is it you are soooooo into him, despite a serious deficiency you recognize? The answer is in you...after all, YOU are the one attracted to him. So why?
If you marry him will he stop drinking? If he doesn't stop drinking, what will it do to you? Is that the life you want?
Aloha Daisy...that post brought back a lot of my memories about how I was when I was a partner in the "disease dance"....she did, I did, she didn't, I didn't over and over...Try taking a bit of a different perspective with an open mind? Read your part in your post as if you were the addicted person being talked about. Try it. You will get the answer to the question of "Why do I...?" He is addicted to alcohol and you are addicted to? He is leading in the dance and booze is playing the music. There is no law that says you gotta dance. Sit it out.
One thing that wont work is thinking that the A is going to stop drinking for you.
The most important lesson I learned, was that this disease can be pretty humbling to the sober one. In the beginning I always use to think that if the A loved me enough, he would stop drinking. Boy was my ego crushed.
Having been married to an the Xah for 26 years, I can only explain it as trying to hold onto sand.
My hope is that you will put yourself first and attend some alanon meetings and seriously consider the reality of being with an A, its not a unique relationship. We all on this board have been where your at. Of course it is your choice and Im not saying that it can't be good with him. It just takes a lot of work. That involves working a program, staying in touch with your HP and making changes.
Please come back often. Wishing you happiness!! Bettina
I am in the process of divorcing my AH of 36 years. I still love him (not his behaviors). I have come to the conclusion that I can love him, but that doesn't mean he is good for me.
I have felt addicted to my AH, too. When we first separated for the second (and final) time, I played games with myself; I'd make excuses to phone him so that I can check up on him. Now, I recognize the urge and evaluate it. I always conclude that it is best to not call and allow him to deal with his issues on his own and go on with my life.
What to do? What to do? I used to drive myself nuts trying to answer that question. Then I stopped asking so much and just sat with all the feelings. The answers came without all the mental noises I was used to.
Everyone's answers are different. We have to find them ourselves. I used to dislike that reality. However, I love it now.
Oh, and the alcoholic stopping for you? I waited for about 30 years. He never did. I don't think it was because he didn't love me. I do believe he does to the best of his ability. I want my AH to stop for the right reasons, not for me.
It's all a process and so much more. I wish the best for you.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
If it were as simple as stopping drinking or stopping heroin or whatever, we would not need AA or anything. But it isn't. Drinking is only one symptom of the disease.
Sometimes just stopping using makes it worse.
I wish we had a data base to keep track of how many times different A's say, if you stay with me I won't drink or I will slow down, I can stop anytime I want to.
Then the A's disease manipulates you when he knows you are trying to pull away.The disease does not like to be alone. It has nothing to do with the A loving one so much.
Sometimes the only stable one they know is one woman.
Al Anon will help you so much if you choose to keep coming back. (o: We learn not to count their bottles or monitor what they are doing, or what we think they are. We never know whether they use or not. Never. Unless you UA him.
I told my A one thing I notice is someone says, I know he is not using. He said, "do they follow them into the bathroom, When they go to get a tool from the shop, When they get something out of the car?"
The point is we can only take care of us.
As far as that love. Been there. It took me so many years for it to go away, and it didn't go away until he was so brain damaged he was not him anymore. I finally learned to accept I loved him, that it was ok to love him. We can love someone and not have to live with them or see them.
Doesn't matter why ya do, you just do! If you can dive into Al Anon, find what your passion is and pursue it, learn to enjoy other peoples company, it will help you.
