The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I know I posted earlier when I had finally moved out of the house with my ex-A but, I've been here for almost a month and a half and things are harder.
Admittedly I have been drinking more, myself - trying to escape the feelings of dissatisfaction with my life. If I have not already shared this before, I have struggled with a chronic eating disorder since I was a young girl - I was in and out of hospitals when I was younger and then I learned how to manage it so I could appear normal. Everything going on with the A has sparked that up again and I had felt myself sinking fast. Somehow I started drinking myself. I am in a job that I absolutely loathe, where I am emotionally abused by my boss and the entire "family" is dysfunctional. My boss clearly came from an alcoholic and severely dysfunctional family- she exhibits all the behaviors and it is simply insanity. I've been looking for another job. I keep getting met with rejection, but I refuse to give up. I am so very grateful for this program. I am also considering attending some AA meetings when I can get up the courage to go. I don't think I'm an alcoholic, but I think that I am trying to run away from my reality and am sinking into self pity and feeling as though I am a "victim" of the Universe again and that I am simply destined to exist OR survive, but never thrive or LIVE fully.
I went to an amazing seminar almost a month ago and for a week, I was supercharged and empowered to create a life of possibility but, years and years of programming have me back in the scared place. Although maybe something is different - maybe I am getting more willingness and acceptance of where I am at and the confusion and pain that it all is.
Recently I experienced some disappointments and whenever I am rejected for something or an outcome does not go as planned I use it as a piece of evidence that I am unworthy and I ought never to think positively about anything because it will always backfire.
Thanks for letting me share. I'm back and I'm going to keep coming back. I love this forum :)
I really relate to using a rejection as confirmation that nothing will ever work out in my life. Unfortunately I feel very angry even at meetings.I have so much resentment and anger about where I am in my life. I feel like I have no hope.
This place is so helpful in so many ways. My Ah quit drinking two months ago but it was no magic solution. We still have problems (I still have problems) and the people here are such a blessing-they help me to put things in perspective when I have trouble doing that for myself. I've been following your posts since you first came here and you've made tremendous progress. I'm sure you'll continue to do so. You are NOT unworthy, whatever rejections or disappointments you've experienced.Please do keep coming back, we're here for you.
Aloha Runner...stick with what has been working and with your HP. My belief is that Al-Anon and MIP and AA are in my life because my HP wants me there and because I am worthy. I got the picture you painted with your post and it told me when your sinking you don't add more weight to the mind, body, spirit and emotions...you take weight off and rise. In support.
Get as much information about alcohol and alcoholism...a mind and mood altering chemical.
You know my first husband was the sweetest cutest southern man I have ever known. Beautiful boy.
But hon his self esteem, though he hid it, was low. It was so frustrating for me. Did my best to build him up. Then my Mother told me,"No one can build themselves up but them."
I invite you to look at all you have accomplished. The way I learned and grew was by going thur challenges. I realized I was not an unorganized, silly twit. I helped start a food co op in our town and managed it with other managers. Did orders, paperwork, gave classes on how to cook grains, etc.
Next thing I know I am in the school system, I go back to college, was teaching kids at risk and was raising two kids alone.
I taught myself to look at the good, not the bad. Never believed in failure, always told myself and my students, it just means I or they had more to learn.
I also learned that when things got sour or I did not get something I really wanted, what was next was even better!
We can tell you, you are so courageous for moving out, getting a place, working a job that is difficult, but we need to see it for ourselves, hug ourselves for doing it.
Am concerned about you. I suffer from an eating disorder. When I go thru a very deep sadness I just cannot eat. Its a temp anorexia.
Allowing myself to feel my pain and telling myself everything is ok, has worked now for years.
AA I believe would do anyone good. I sure enjoyed going with my A years ago. So what can it hurt. Just get your body out the door.
Just like we love new ones here, face to face is the same. They "all" remember how hard the first couple times are.
I am so impressed how you are living alone! It is NOT easy. Hey maybe it is time for a gratitude list.
I suffer from an eating disorder. When I go thru a very deep sadness I just cannot eat. Its a temp anorexia.
Interesting. I have the same problem. When everything around me is out of my control (like a very stressful situation), the one thing I can control is what I put in my mouth. So I don't eat. And I get a strange kind of "high" from having the power to thwart my basic biological need to eat.
RC, it's good to see you again. I admire your courage and strength in leaving an unhealthy situation -- I remember reading how much anguish you endured over that decision.
When everything looks bleak, I've heard that's the time to make a Gratitude List and remind yourself of the good things in your life. Just this afternoon I got so much pleasure from weeding my flower bed. Even managed to laugh about not being able to get grass to survive where I want it (the yard that the dogs use) but not being able to keep it away where I don't want it.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
