I was thinking the other day, I wonder if there are A's out there that
are good people even if they use?

I would think we all come here becuz we love an A who's disease is driving us
crazy.

Guess in a way it is no surprise. It is like doing certain drugs make you act a certain way.
Alcohol makes the A act a certain text book way.

I read how in the latter stage the A will get an anger, that they honestly do blame everyone
else for everything. My A believes i took everything away from him. It used to
shock me when he told people this bs. Some believed him. Not anymore becuz he
does it to everyone now. Everyones house is a toilet, everyone is stupid, etc.

once these guysat the gas station helped me push my truck to the gas pump, died a few feet before...

I heard them ask for 80 cents of gas! I gave the gal $5 to give them gas.

When I got home I told A about it. Just talking uno? No big deal, but later when he got drunk
He yelled at me about how we can barely make it and I am giving money to guys...

oh brother, I was working, he was not. I love animals. I have an animal sanctuary.

Well since we got married I would talk over the rescue with him I was doing and make
sure it was ok with him too, to bring in the rescue.

Well he always said of course, even brought home some himself. But when he was drunk
he would yell at me about bringing hom all these animals!!

Took me a long time to realize he was two or more different people.

Of course I could never tell him anything anymore. I mean nothing. I quit talking all
together. Of course I got hell for that too.

I did not stop my life though, as you can see, the animals are still here at Eden and
so am I. But I had over 20 years of growing up before he came back. I am very
confidant, and did not do the enable game. I am sure I would have had I married him
when we were kids.

But being a widow for 20 years, going to college full time and working full time and raising
my two teens and a few extras....his disease had a real challenge with me.

It did tear me up, it took my husband away. But thank you hp, I am still me.

I do not depend on him for anything. I started to and almost lost everything.

So this is what makes me totally understand why it is so dang hard to leave them.

Especially if you have kids, it is not like we can go out the door with no money, nothing with
our babies.

But I tell ya, there is help if you do choose to. Sometimes I think it is like walking out
of Satans grasp into hp arms. That first step is very hard.

I was just thinking when my A started going bonkers, I kept looking at him saying,
"what is wrong with you???"

I had NEVER seen any of this behavior for many years from him. Even now, it is
so hard to believe what the disease has turned him into. I am not kidding, he is
like a walking demon. I don't believe he has a heart anymore.

Here I am living in paradise. Maybe not to some, but to me it is everything I have aevery
wanted. A five acre place on the side of a mountain. Nice barn, good fencing, loving animals
two wonderful adult kids, a truck that runs anyway, may be a 78 chevy short bed
pickup but it starts and gets me everywhere..

sure I get lonely. A's disease chased a few good friends away. And yes if they were
really friends they would be here.

I chose to walk away, and keep walking away. It was hard, i wanted to die, the anxiety
inside my gut was so horrible, like carrying a wobbly bowling ball in my gut.
Nightmares, inability to eat. I know others go thru this too.

But when I kept putting one foot in front of the other, something happened. I walked to the deck and talked to hp. I surrendered. I felt that giving up, giving it all to hp. I knew if I kept
putting one foot in front of the other, doing the work and allowing the outcome to be
from hp, my life got better and better.

I have faith, complete faith. It may not be what i think I need either. I finally got to
where if i lost my house, and i ended up homeless in the woods, then I did. I would
take all my animals with me. I mean it too.

Dori responded to a post, that I am sure a lot of us have almost done. I have been
where she is. I read it and thought how much I wished I could do something for here.

We all need loved ones and anti stressers when we are in so much pain.

Without al-anon I don't know if I would have survived this horrible situation.

thank you to all of you for sharing here. love,debilyn who is going to go get feed and food!!!

when a year or two ago i was starving living in my barn!!