The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been lurking around here for a little while but finally got the courage to join and post my story. I apologize in advance for the length, but it helps me to read other people's experiences...and let's be honest, it's very cathartic to just "get it out."
I'm 24 years old, and my mother is an alcoholic. Her alcoholism really started getting bad when I was 18. My parents divorced shortly after. She was just not willing to admit she had a real problem or truly commit to doing whatever it took to be sober. Things have only spiraled downward since then.
She's been in inpatient treatment twice at an extremely reputable facility in Minnesota, numerous stints in outpatient treatment, group and individual therapy...these things sometimes helped in the short term but never long-term. She's also been arrested twice for DUI (for which she spent a few days in jail and lost her driver's license for a year), taken to detox several times, and taken to the hospital for injuries related to her drinking (falling down and hitting her head, etc.).
Each time I thought that it would shock her into realizing that she didn't want this kind of life -- she was an esteemed professional woman before all of this -- as a child or teenager I could never imagine her being in these situations. She lost her job, she lost her house, she lost her car.
She's been unemployed for a year and living off of her retirement savings, which will soon run out. She's gone to AA meetings for periods of time but then would abruptly stop and "fall off the wagon" again...going on a binge for 1-2 weeks and the sobering up again. She is always looking for a new boyfriend, and when she meets someone she will sober up, only to go back to the bottle when it inevitably doesn't work out.
My sister stopped talking to her about 6 months ago and I've left the door open for communication with my mom but I rarely hear from her. It's been very tough for me lately, especially because I am getting married in June and I'm not sure what kind of state she will be in or whether she will come at all...and all the emotions that come along with that kind of thing. I had a bridal shower this past weekend and she simply didn't show up. I was crushed, embarrassed...and needless to say, I'm very anxious about the wedding.
My fear is that she will soon be homeless, or move in with my grandparents and cause them a lot of emotional and physical stress. Or worse, she will drink herself to death. Of course, she could hit rock bottom (if she has one) and turn things around...but it just seems so unlikely.
Over the years, I've done everything I could think of to help, which unfortunately including being codependent and trying to control her situation. I didn't learn until I started therapy myself two years ago what "codependency" was and that I was a perfect example of it. So I read and read about alcoholic families and codependency, I set boundaries, I've practiced loving detachment. I continued to offer her support as long as it didn't endanger my health or mental well-being, and I shared with her the resources that I found that could help her situation - welfare, low-income housing, state healthcare, job assistance programs. She never followed through on anything.
I thought maybe if I stopped be codependent something could change for the better. But she is not getting better and this pit in my stomach, this gripping fear, just won't go away.
I've developed my own anxiety problems because of the stress of our family situation and it greatly affects my life. I'm in therapy and trying to just learn to accept what is going on and that I have no control over it. I haven't gotten the courage to go to a f2f al-anon meeting yet but I think at this point there is no reason not to go.
I'm just so tired of this and scared for the future. I'm sick of being stressed and anxious. I want to feel happy and carefree again!
Most of the family/addictions therapists I've talked to say at this point I need to let go and let the cards fall where they may, so to speak. But the idea of that makes me feel guilty...there has to be something I can do? But I know the answer is NO, there is nothing I can do. So I feel helpless and hopeless, which has got to be the worst set of feelings in the world!
What pains me most is that she was such a loving and selfless mother during my childhood...she achieved so much in her career...and now she's on the verge of homelessness and financial ruin. She's losing her family one by one and doing nothing to stop it. She just sits at home and drinks. Day in and day out. And the thought of that, and where it could lead, is just devastating me.
Again, sorry for the super-long post, but if you're still reading...thanks for listening. I really needed to share!
"I haven't gotten the courage to go to Al-Anon f2f meetings yet but I think at this point there is no reason not to go."
Seeking---- There is no reason not to go ----but there are hundreds of reasons for you to go. The first an most important reason is it's time for you to start taking care of yourself first. There is no better place to start doing that than in the rooms of Al-Anon. That is where you will find the answers you need. You don't need to be alone anymore---and guess what ?--- Your not!!
Your Mother is going to do what she is going to do. Nothing you have done or try to do in the future is going to change that. She has to want to get help with her disease. She has to hit her bottom---- all her choices. She is blinded by the grasp this disease has over her mind, body, and spirit. No matter how much you want her to change, stop drinking, or get help that ball is in her court. You can only control you.
Your future is in front of you----You are starting a new life----Start your recovery-----get involved in the program----You deserve it.
Turn your Mother over to HP and start taking care of you first.
I am so sorry that your mom is so ill!! I hear the love and concern you have for your mother and know the terrible feeling of being helpless and hopeless. That is exactly how I felt when I found the rooms of alanon and stayed. Here is where I found HOPE and TOOLS that enabled me to live my life even though the alcoholic was still drinking.
Your mom has a dreadful disease that you are indeed powerless over. YOu did not cause it, cannot control it or cure it.
You can learn to live your life and treat the alcoholic with detached love and compassion.
Please look in the white pages of the telephone directory for alanon listing They will direct you to meetings in your community. Face to face meetings truly help to break the isolation and enable you to know you are not alone. Meetings here 2xs a day and 24/7 chat is also a great tool.
Best Wishes on your upcoming marriage and please keep coming back and let us know how you are doing.
Seeking, Welcome to MIP. I am so glad you found us. You are right where you belong.
If you have been "lurking" around here for some time I am sure you have heard the 3 C's. You didn't Cause it. You can't Control it. You can't Cure it. You cannot fix anything with your mother. You have tried, probably as all of us have.
I hope you do go to a f2f meeting in your area. Start doing things for you and try to truly detach from love with her and allow her the dignity to face the consequences of the choices she is making.
Keep coming back.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Aloha Seeking...that is as good a presentation of the disease of alcoholism and how it affects others and the family that I've ever heard. You are qualified to be in the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups fear and all. We here at MIP who are also members of Al-Anon have worn your shoes...been there; done that in some variations but the picture is always the same and we recognize it as our own when we hear a new member tell it as their own. "Alcoholism affects everyone it comes in contact with..."
Most all Al-Anon Family Groups meetings are "open" which means you can just walk in. All of them are "free" in money cost as we are "solely self supporting thru our own contributions." You can participate or you can pass. You can participate in some of the readings we do at the start and end of the meeting which is non-committal and you will feel very safe and accepted. You will be loved without having to do anything other than be there. There will be lots of literature there for you to read...much is no cost and some isn't. You choose.
For me the requirement (my own) was to sit down, listen, learn, keep coming back, listen, learn more, practice and then trust that I would be okay. I am okay today beyond my wildest dreams. I was born and raised in the disease of alcoholism and have witnessed and practice my share of insanity. I had also lost my soul to the disease and Al-Anon helped me to get it back and put it back into that large dark gapping hole I arrived in program with. It fit perfectly and now has become happy, joyous and free. My family however....their choice.
I read your post and your pain is all there. Put myself in your place. It is a horrible place to be.
I likened it to when my mother/best bud was diagnosed with breast cancer. How I would have and did anything I could to help her.
To think that all I could do was leave her alone was unthinkable!
Yet your dear mother is sick and the best thing is to leave her alone. Protect you from her disease.
But I know you think about her every day. She sounds like she is a very good person with a horrible disease.
When we leave them alone, we hope they will be uncomfortable enough, hate drinking enough to know being sober has to be better. Being made comfortable in their disease is he worst thing for them. She needs to lose her house.
I wish her parents would not take her in. Just makes it easier for her to use.
But the focus is YOU. Do you have an older woman, an aunt or friends mom etc. who you feel close to? You can develop a close relationship/confidant/with someone. It does help.
My mother died, one of my friends on a yahoo list adopted me. It was so helpful. Then she died. That about killed me. Now her husband is who I talk to, call Dad, he sends me money like a dad, listends to my fears, laughs with me, gives me advice.
We will always grieve our mothers. But a good friend helps so much.
We can pray that your mom, whom we put in hp's hands, will want to get healthy again. She has a chance.
i know it has to be sad about your wedding. Wish I could take that pain away for you.
Maybe it would help, when you start to hurt over this, stop and change your thoughts to how she used to be. think of something good she did in the past. Then think she is still there, there is still hope for her.
Thanks you so much for your supportive and encouraging responses! And for reading my very long post all the way through. I am so glad that I am here with you all and that I found this website.
My fiance has agreed to go with me to my first Al-Anon meeting since I have been nervous to go alone...I'm still nervous, but I think after the first time it will be much easier? After two years of contemplating going to meetings, I'm finally just going to do it. I am not a shy person but for some reason I have been so scared to go -- I suppose it's just the unknown. Does everyone feel this way their first time?
Thanks again for all the kind words. It means so much to me!
I think most everyone feels the same way as you-----but as soon as you walk through the doors that all changes. And when you walk out you will realize a couple of things. One--- you will not be alone anymore, and two--- you will have found a new loving and caring family.
Only a suggestion, but after the meeting stick around and talk to some of the members. We call it the meeting after the meeting. Lots of good ES&H after the meeting also. One more suggestion---check and see if they have a phone list, that way if you feel the need to talk to someone during the week you can give them a call. Don't think you are bothering them if you call---that's the reason they have their name on the list. It's called giving back.
Keep coming back and let us know about your first f2f meeting.
Now go start "Taking Care Of Yourself First".
HUGS, RLC
P.S. In Al-Anon we say---Try it for 5 or 6 meetings and if you don't think the program is for you------we will gladly refund your "Misery". LOL
