The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
because he feels i'm not being supportive. suppportive to him looks like saying i love you every time we speak, hugging, touching, saying "you can do this" constantly. personally i'm not ready to do any of these things. i have buried my anger but it my fear of this thin ice of new sobriety we are skating on is overwhelming. in addition i won't be his sounding board about issues he is having with his work stuff because it reminds me too much of the "old times."
of coures i feel guilty because i feel like a "good" wife would hold his hand literally through all of his growth and growing pains.
so now he is being short with me and ignoring me which makes me anxious.
You don't have to be skating on thin ice just because he is. New sobriety is hard, but it's his job to stay sober, not your job to keep him that way. It's also not your responsibility to act in a manner in which you do not want to act simply because he wants you to act that way. If he wants to remain sober, he will do that regardless of your actions.
Whether alcoholics are drinking or not, the dynamic of alcoholism is still at work if everyone affected by the disease doesn't seek recovery.
I don't believe that it's a question of being a good wife. I believe that it's a question of taking care of the things that are within your own control to take care of. You can't do his recovery for him. The only control you have is over you.
I hope that you have a good day, and hope that you will be able to make a meeting for yourself and do something nice for yourself today.
I don't think I'll be able to make a meeting tonight. I was out last night with a class so I'm not sure I can afford the babysitting again. We'll see...I've been doing my reading but I guess I was just hoping to seek some affirmation that I by setting this boundary of knowing what I'm capable of at this moment is appropriate - hence the good wife/bad wife syndrome.
White Rabbit is right on MTT, let him be whatever flavor he is gonna be- angry, happy, purple, pink- its HIS gig. YOUR gig can be yellow, blue or popcorn flavor. What you are/what you do is not going to affect him or his sobriety although that diseased talking come out of his mouth really wants you to think that...and sometimes when we hear it year after year we believe that disease when it talks like that.
Leave his stuff (all his stuff) with him where it belongs and if you cannot get to a meeting, do you have a call list so you can call an al-anon member just to chat about it? Sometimes that helps a lot, too. Don't isolate, trust someone to give you a hand, its good practice and a foundational act of the program, I believe. hugs, J.
One reply that takes some courage to say is "I'm not your Higher Power. You're doing this for yourself." If he is doing recovery for the purpose of satisfying you he's doing it for the wrong reason and he will drink again anyway. You're his spouse not his mother and either way you have little to no protection against this disease yourself. Alcoholism is taking "both" of you not just one of you. The face to face rooms of Al-Anon will support you during the crises and inside of the chaos and that will help him because it takes one of the "players" out of the picture; you. Codependency and enabling are words used to describe the "other" person in the disease not the alcoholic or addict directly.
If mad is all he can do right now allow him the dignity of choosing mad. He may be directing it your way and mostly that is because you are the most handy available and usual target. Like others have suggested the program has lots of tools which can blurr his aim. You know the truth...you did not cause this, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. There is no cure for alcoholism it can only be arrested by total abstinence and that is his part. The AA fellow -ship is the best support for him...not you. "Go to a meeting" "Call your sponsor" "Work your own program" are all loving responses to the alcoholic who is refusing to or forgetting to self focus.
It's okay to go get help for you. You don't need his or anyone's permission to go get yourself fixed. That's your choice...if you don't well...you already know the consequences...crappy!
thank you all! he still isn't speaking to me, other than to ask me to sign the taxes. i'm trying to work through my anxiety and work on my recovery. picked up a journal last night so i'm hoping to incorporate that into my healing process.
