The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The H left on Thursday to go and use. On Sunday he called for his extra set of truck keys as he lost his. He met me at a corner store near where he was staying.
I gave them to him and he said "I won't bother you again, I'm done." I said ok. He said the same thing and I said ok.
He said I can't believe you won't help me, you didn't say come home and we'll work this out. I said you are the one who has to ask for help. Before I finished he was crying and slammed the door. I pulled over and told him that when he's ready for help, he knows where he could find me. It was so hard driving away and seeing him in my rearview mirror.
I've tried to help him so many times. I've taken him in only to be used because he never really tried to help himself. He slept and ate and then got up and left again.
I haven't heard from him. He doesn't have his bi-polar meds with him. He has no phone. I worry. I would help him if he asked for help and truly wanted help.
But I worry so much. I push myself to get through the day. I go to a meeting, I do things with my kids, but he's always on my mind. The knot in my gut is always there.
I keep thinking if only I asked him to come home, if only I tried again. I feel so wrong.
It is so hard sometimes when we do the right thing for ourselves. Even when we know that it truly is about the only thing we can do to try to help the other person as well.
Quilt and fear of how our actions will potentially cause harm to someone else.
The program teaches that we are just not that powerful. We don't have the power to make them drink nor do we have the power to make them stop.
That they have to be the one to reach out for help is the answer for them. Just as it is for us.
I pray you get a break today from thinking of the "what ifs".
I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Alcoholism is a deadly disease and so very painful for everyone.
Using alanon tools does help. You set a boundry and are going on with your responsibilities. You are taking care of your children, the house, and yourself. When he called for his keys you delivered!! You are being kind and courteous!!!You are just not trying to do the impossible any longer.
The A is responsible for his own life!!! You are powerless to fix it or help him You have tried!!!
Pray, Share , Use the Serenity Prayer and remembr live your life ODAT.
You are doing fine Changing old patterns takes time and is painful
D you are so doing the right thing and I want to applause you.
I know how wrong it feels but believe me, you have made really good decisions here- I am really impressed with how you are conducting yourself with great dignity not only for yourself but towards him, also.
I have felt this incredible wrongness also but I think this very strong feeling is the disease in us that is going cold turkey from our addiction: the addict. Today, I know this to be true. Back then, I did not know this. It felt like a huge gaping hole in me, my life, my world.
Ironically, turning away and letting him be was the first loving thing I may have ever done- for him, for me, for all the people around us. I know how horrible and so very strange it feels but I urge you to stick to your course and keep doing all the stuff you are doing. You are on the right path my friend. I know its so hard. It will remain hard for some time but before you know it, it will get better- share it with your al-anon friends, we all know the feeling and burden and can share the load. You will get to the other side of this, I promise.
D, I can so realte to your post my ABF had a slip on Thursady too. His second in a week he is in AA. I told him he needs to sort himself his illness is progressing again. I am sicker than him. He knows how ill I am too. My responsibility is to look after me. I am a mum my kids need me. when I feel bad feel the pull to fix I think is this good for me, is this good for my kids if I can not do it for me I try and do it for them.
Here's another way of looking at the score board right now Destynee...Disease 0 Destynee 7... You scored!! Do the dance in the endzone. That is how it works. It is now Him and Higher Power. Yay!! that felt sooo courageous. Thanks. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you all. It means a lot to know others "get it."
He called today and asked for help. I said I would help. Then he launched into a tirade that although its mostly his fault, its my fault too. I left him out in the cold, with no food, in a place where he is using crack and heroin. He wanted to know how I sleep at night, how I live knowing the last 5 days for him was hell.
I got angry. I said if he wanted help. I'd help, but I was not going to stand for the verbal abuse I was getting.
HUGS! You did not put him there. I'm so glad you realize that and are sticking up for yourself. I'm sorry he just doesn't see the light yet and REALLY wants help instead of pointing fingers. DO NOT regret your boundaries, you are focusing on your recovery and there is NOTHING wrong with that.
I know it is a hard concept, but you are helping him by not allowing him back. We can do NOTHING to help them more.
If you were sick of eating yourself to death, could anyone help you? NO.
He has to use all he has to survive and get his own help. He calls you and abuses you over the phone. If he was sober and someone talked to you like that do you believe he would put up with it?
He would not want you to either.
My A is in prison. He has lost everyone, there is no one to come see him or write to him but me. I stopped months ago. Am tired of being sucked dry.
I remember being in your place, dragging him home again from his mommies. Would be ok when he could not leave our place. But then he brought his truck up here. I would leave to go somewhere and unbeknowest to me, he would be driving behind me to town to get a bottle.
So I just had to have him leave again or he would stomp out.
I am so glad you are not allowing the disease to suck you dry anymore. It does him no good to let him come back and help him. It hurts him more.
One day at a time! Do what you can, let it go and have some fun, some serenity.
