The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The good news is I finally took the step and went to a f2f meeting tonight. It was very good. It was all about Step1 and admitting how we are powerless to change what is outside of ourselves. I admit, I found myself nodding at times and thinking "that's crap!" at others (What do you mean I can't control stuff!! Just watch me try dang it!!!), but I know it was all good for me to hear!
I also have finally gotten up the courage to make an appointment with a counselor at a church I've attended for awhile but not allowed myself to meet anyone...
Anyway, I was kind of proud of myself for taking steps for me today.
What is odd though is that after a very hopeful and promising day where I was even able to focus at work (it's been over a week since I could do that!!) I was disappointed to come home to the same attitude in my A. He is sulky that I have kept busy with other stuff and probably suspects that I'm trying to get help around how the alcohol affects me. I feel like he's trying to punish me emotionally. And even though I know it shouldn't matter. I'm kind of disappointed. As unrealistic as it is, I guess I was hoping that because I took real steps for me I'd come home to a happy sober man who would be proud of me too.
Guess reality takes awhile to digest...as does this whole "I can't fix it" thing.
Betcha he's scared out of his wits. I found that amazing when first made aware of it. "My alcoholic is afraid!!" Tons and of everything including drinking and not being able to stop and also about their lives going to hell in a handbasket too!! Good for you taking steps...keep going cause there is so much more coming which includes miracles. By the way been there and did that at my first entry into the program. Finally my sponsor told me to look at the similarities of what I was hearing and what I was doing and not the differences. I started doing nothing but nodding after that. It takes time. Take all the time you want...one day at a time.
When you go to your next meeting see if they have a copy of the new Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism 2010 issue and get one for your counselor too. Lots of alcoholism problems in churches.
what a great start you have made! It takes SO MUCH courage to enter the rooms LAH! My first meeting was pretty horrible- everyone was so happy and smiling and I was totally sobbing and could not say a word for months and months...but I kept coming back. Lots made NO SENSE but I wanted what these people had- people who were living with the disease and in situations WAY WORSE than my own. To be completely honest, I have no idea why I kept returning but I did and I am so grateful that I did because eventually some really important stuff began to get thru my thick skull. Thru osmosis it just sunk in bit by bit and it still is. Fill yourself with the goodness of the program and its people and everything will get better little bit by little bit.
Your A is not going to be anything but an A- to expect support or acknowlegement or pride is like expecting a duck to help you with your taxes.
Keep the focus on you, just like you are doing! Keep attending the meetings. They are not perfect but they will provide you with all you need. J.
A's hate change, they want to keep the staus quo and keep using the way they always have. He wont be happy for your changes (bc theyre changes), so dont look to him for any validation - give it to yourself and u can get it here and at f2f -- u have made some good changes for YOU already, enjoy that. Any time I expected or hoped for some kind of a reaction or reunion with an A, I never got the outcome I desired - so I threw out the expectations (bc they only end up hurting me) and kept the focus on me and in - right now.
I wanted to comment on the word patience in ur post's name -- patience is something we practice, like faith & loving -- it is something that we do, not a thing we arrive at. Keep practicisng and u will be excersizing patience.
I too had a hard time of letting go of the illusion of control (that we influence others with) I decided it was a form of manipulation (since I didnt want to be involved in the manipulation anymore) and then it was easier to let go of trying to direct another person. It is not about helplessness - we can help ourselves and get our own personal power back (as we tend to be out of control, focusing on others) and work to get ourselves into focus in or lives.
For me the really cool, exciting thing about taking my own personal power back and learning to control myself was: I was willing and took to the changes I implemented very quickly --- as opposed to "trying to control" someone else and them constantly annoyed and resentful of my efforts to improve them. People hate that, lol and we do too.
Changing yourself is empowering and it feels liberating too bc u are standing up for you. Keep working it, you're worth it & more!
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I just wanted to add my good wishes to you and urge you to continue taking care of yourself.
Taking the focus off the disease and placing it where you can succeed is extremely unsettling to the A.
Please use alanon tool, to live your life, show courtesy and respect to all and validate your own choices by sharing your success and life here and at meetings.
Yup, I agree with previous posters. Alcoholics are resistant to change, but they are also resistant to the notion that they are not in control of YOU anymore. At least for me, while I was busily trying to stay in control of my alcoholic and his actions, when I was brutally honest with myself, he was the one controlling me. My life was all about him - all about checking up on him, making sure he did stuff, making sure he didn't do other stuff, worrying about him, etc. As long as my focus was on him, his disease was controlling him but it was controlling me too. I thought I was in control but I wasn't. The tail was totally wagging the dog, so to speak.
I also agree not to look to an A for affirmation and to start looking for affirmation from within. An A that is not in recovery doesn't have any capacity to affirm anyone else anyway - they're too focused on themselves. It doesn't matter what he suspects or knows about whether you're seeking help - that's something that you're doing for you and not to punish him. Let him suspect away! :)
Last, we don't have to accept emotional punishment doled out by someone else. We did not get put on the earth to be treated badly by an A. If he's sulky or irritated or whatever else, let him own those feelings and feel the consequences of them. No need for you to take those feelings on yourself and let them drag you down.
Good for you for taking such positive steps!!! Keep coming back!!
