The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For the past 18 mos of separation from my exaH I've run the gammit on the entire spectrum of emotion. Relief, apprehension, frustration, irritation, anger, hostility, guilt, hurt, pain, disbelief, annoyance, fear....and on and on. Much of the time the undertone of my emotional state has been very angry. This is not how I wanted my life to turn out. This is not how I wanted to raise my son. THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANTED.
For the past week or so, my undertone has shifted more to sadness. I feel like I have an ocean of sadness living just under my surface, willing to well up at any moment. Sitting in church alone this morning I had to fight back the tears as I thought about my exaH and was praying for his peace and well being. All day I've felt fragile, resigning my anger and allowing myself to just feel sad. Sad that my exaH is so sick. Sad that he can't see it. Sad that he doesn't understand my clarity. Sad that we just can't be together.
This evening after putting my child to bed, I was free to just let it go. To feel the sadness. Praying to HP to handle exaH with love and care; hoping with all I could that HP has enough love to give to exaH, especially when it seems exaH has so little to give to himself.
Aloha Rora...you have the prayers along with your son and Alcoholic...I'll be praying that you want for you what you want for others (alcoholic included) and go about getting it. I gave myself a date to stop suffering and then stepped down from my pedestal of control. Replaced myself with a small dot (i)...i not I. It worked!! cause then I really let HP have control.
I hear you. I too found that under the anger was a well of sadness!!.
Once I saw and accepted that the sadness was there, I shared about it , prayed about it, and turned it over. My sadness was replaced with true compassion.
I will hold you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 11th of April 2010 09:11:18 PM
Sadness was the beginning of letting go for me..... sadness brought compassion, which I see in your post. It took me 6 months in Alanon before I had the courage to begin to let go. I knew I had to find a way for me to survive this disease, I am the only one I have control of....I have to keep on this journey of recovery........Im worth it and so are you.
With the help of HP my anger and sadness were also replaced with compassion. I am still sad at times and in those times I turn right back to HP to bring me back to where I need to be. Iam still a work in progress and am thankful for progress not perfection. On especailly sad days I give myself a specific amount of time on the pity pot then I pull myself up by my alanon boot straps and get back to program Blessings to you and son
