The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been thinking a lot the past few days about my family of origin and how dysfunctional it was and still is. My mom seems to want to live in a complete atmosphere of chaos and drama - every day it seems like there's something else that's stressing her out (i.e. a good reason to drink). My stepfather tries to cover for her by telling me she's not drunk she's just tired,. He still tries to tell me not to discuss particular subjects with her because those subjects stress her out and upset her (i.e. causing her to drink more). He does not understand or care when I've said that we can't either make her drink or make her stop drinking.
I'm attending counseling because of some outside issues. The counselor asked a lot of questions about my family of origin in my session this week. I'm sure this is where some of my thoughts are coming from.
The thing is, my stepfather picks up my 9 year old son from school and takes him to their house until I get home from work. If it were just my mom, there's no way that would be possible because she starts drinking the second she gets off work (she works at home). For the longest time I was okay with this arrangement - saved me the expense of hiring a babysitter and gave my son time with his grandparents.
A couple of things have happened this week though, that have me reconsidering this arrangement. My mom is training for a new job which has her perpetually stressed out. My stepfather has called me twice this week to ask me not to discuss particular things with my mom. I went to their house last weekend to celebrate my birthday and my stepfather charged me at the door and told me not to say anything to my grandparents about my sister getting divorced. Just - everything is a freaking secret, the whole world revolves around my mother and not upsetting her and making her drink more, and he's trying to run every aspect of her life and control everything.
There's no doubt that my feelings about my family have gotten healthier since i got here. Still, I think my parents are the hardest people for me to set boundaries with. Sometimes I do okay, but I don't feel like I have done very good this week because I feel conflicted and unhappy about it. If I'm upset, I'm doing something wrong!
I really feel that after examining how I really feel about my family and how insane the atmosphere still is surrounding them, I don't want my son over there after school every day. My husband is in recovery and I'm working my program. We don't keep secrets at my house. The world does not revolve around making sure one person doesn't get upset. I don't want my son to get the message that stuffing feelings or tiptoeing around is acceptable or normal. I think I need to make alternate arrangements for after school childcare.
I feel kinda like ... duh! If you're uncomfortable then do something about it! But I'm trying to work through WHY I'm uncomfortable and decide whether I'm bringing the bad thoughts and feelings that came out in counseling this week and reliving them or what.
I guess I just needed to try to talk it through to myself. Thanks for being here, friends.
Alot of awareness in this post...thank u..........sounds like you are seeing things clearly and dealing with them....making decisions from a healthy perspective for you and your chlild and the awareness that comes from being in unhealthy atmospheres...good for u........blessings :)
The world does not revolve around making sure one person doesn't get upset. I don't want my son to get the message that stuffing feelings or tiptoeing around is acceptable or normal.
That's what really jumped out at me from your post. Probably because those are exactly the behaviours I learned from living in an alcoholic family, and I'm still working on undoing those patterns.
Good awareness!
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I recently dealt with a similar thing with my parents. Although there isn't any alcohol. My mom completely invaded our personal family space by getting a body mineral anaylsis done of my son's hair without my permission. She took some of his hair when she was watching him while I was working. He was almost 3 years old and I couldn't handle it. She is secretive and manipulating without any care for it's effects on others. I tell her how I feel, ask her to stop. But she cannot hear what I say. I was completely depressed as a child and felt worthless.
I finally realized, this is not healthy for my kids. It drives me crazy. And... I don't want them to think it's normal that their grandmother is this way. I am still very overwhelmed with having two toddlers, a husband who is living out of his van so he can work just enough to get money for drugs. And I have to take over the family. I've got too much of my own stuff to deal with than to even think about dealing emotionally with what she does in my life.
So I set up some strong boundaries and am just taking a break from it all. That means, when my kids get sick and can't go to daycare, I have to make arrangements with a babysitter and pay a lot of extra money to have them cared for. But, I know that when they get older and can make a decision to spend time with her, that they will see more clearly how crazy she can be... and not think it is their fault or feel like they are bad people. Hopefully anyways!
Well, I just wanted to share that I feel your pain. It's hard. And it's tough to know where the emotions come from. But when I got the body mineral report. It hurt and I cried so hard for so long. That I finally started connecting the grief I felt as a kid to some of the grief I feel with him ah and how I kinda connect those feelings of pain and they amplify because I haven't dealt with them in an appropriate way over my lifetime. So when I take a break from it, I can focus on me, and slowly deal with these huge issues, in little bite size pieces.
Wow, sounds like my parents. Except now my dad doesn't cover up for her anymore. In fact he is making a stand about her drinking. My mom is so dysfunctional and always has been. Through therapy I've realized many things about my past. My mom has always had some sort of addiction to pills and alcohol. Now I understand why I've picked the relationships I have. I've been working really hard to get healthy again. My mom's drinking has gotten much worse. Everything with her is also a secret or some sort of manipulation. I feel so bad for my dad right now. I wish there was more I could do, but of course I can't!!
