The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just venting because I am feeling absolutely rubbish. I have been to my father's funeral (Tuesday) and it was a lovely service but I did feel somewhat isolated without AH there to support me. I didn't want him there, given the state he is in but his staying away didn't help me feel any better. He was once so close to Dad.
I was back at work today and was confronted with a couple of errors I made last week when my head was all over the place and I probably shouldn't have been there. Not serious but errors all the same. Came home - AH in a bad mood about something or other and as usual he takes it out on me. Haven't strength to just shrug it off like I usually do and it has really upset me and I shed all the tears which I have been holding back for last 2 weeks (and more, probably.) And it's my birthday tomorrow!
So - sorry, just wallowing in self pity at the moment and feeling need to get it out of my system by putting it all down here but, how much more can I take?
(((((((((((Tatty)))))))) So sorry for the loss of your father. Be gentle with yourself and forgive the mistakes at work. Take credit for the things you did right that week at work (glass half full outlook) that you wouldn't have gotten done had you not had the strength to try and tough it out with all that was going on.
Take the time to sit and feel the pain of your fathers loss. Give yourself permission to grieve. Accept the pain, shed the tears. Take things one minute at a time if you must and try not to project. Be in the now. Remember that this too shall pass and your HP has you in his arms. It is sad that we cannot depend on the A for emotional support, and you must feel it acutely during this time of loss. You do have another support system that you can turn to, here on the MIP board. Let us hold you up for a while...
Sometimes anger can shield us from pain. I send you loving thoughts while you go through the process of grief. Thats from one person riding a roller coaster of emotions to another. Luckily I feel ok today, but I have had some real real low points that have floored me. Im making the most of feeling a little ok, in case tomorrow im back on a dip on that rollercoaster.
Just trust that when you are feeling intense pain, it will at some point fade, be replaced by good feelings, maybe come back again at another time......and so on and so on :)
It is so good to be able to get it all out on here, surrounded by loving people.
((((((((((((((Tatty)))))))))))))), First Happy Birthday to you my birthday buddy. My birthday is tomorrow too. Do something nice for you.
I know for me when I reach the point where I am at my wit's end I love the fact that I can come here and vent. I always feel better and the much needed ESH is a blessing.
So sorry on the loss of our dad. I cannot even being to imagine how it is that you are feeling.
Be gentle with yourself sweet lady. You have a lot going on and you are only human. Remember you are doing the best you can with what you have and that is all anyone should expect of you.
We are here for you always.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I always tell myself that what I'm going through is nothing. When alanon members share their stories it sends shivers up my arms.
How much can you take? Go on Amazon and rent "The Killing Fields" about Pol Pot's Cambodia. Then answer the question. After that, read "Surviving the Killing Fields" by the actor who was in the movie, and his story is worse than anything in the movie.
When contrasted with what others have endured (and lived) our pain is nothing, absolutely nothing. I always look back on the mothers of WWII personnel- how many never, ever, knew where their sons died? Junior left home at 18 and never came home. And they don't know where Junior's body is..and mums died without knowing. Can you imagine that?
When times are bad, I think of the parents who aren't at home watching TV, aren't worrying about their personal problems, but are at the local children's cancer ward. Ever been there? There is nothing in life worse than that. NOTHING.
When I contrast my crappy situation with the parent(s) at the cancer ward, I have nothing to complain about. Any one of them would trade their world for mine.
We humans can take a lot. It doesn't seem like it at the time. But we are stronger than we give ourselves credit. We are tough; we overcome; we can recover. Strive to recover.
Thanks CJ for the reminder. ((((TH)))) I don't think that is self pity. You are just processing your life. Ou AH's are just not there when we need them the most. So seek love and support from other places. So sorry for your loss. And for the errors at work - to err is human.
Thank you everyone. I do keep going - just now and then the whole situation gets to me and venting here does help to stop me cracking completely.
CJ - I know i have a lot to be thankful for. I work in a hospital with a spinal injuries unit. I only have to walk through there and see young people struck down at the beginning of their lives, unable to move from the neck down. Or the mother mown down by a car overtaking on a bend. Now she is confined to a wheelchair, totally unable to pick up or even cuddle her children. So yes, I feel grateful.
Better day today - sun is shining and have been out to lunch with son, daughter and her fiance. (It's now 3.30pm here in UK)
Thank you for your kind words and thoughts - you'll never know how much you help you are.
x