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I am new here... trying to find a way to deal with the fact that my mother, who was clean and in AA for over 5 years, has now decided to "live life" and drink because she "wants to." I am an only child and she is my only family. I have three kids that supposedly mean the world to her yet she knows she will not be able to see them as long as she is an active alcoholic. She has broken my trust many, many times over the years and when she was in AA we actually started having a great relationship for the first time in my life and I felt like I had a "real" mom. I think that is why this hurts even worse. I have so many emotions right now that I don't even know how to deal with them besides crying. I am so mad that she is taking my kids grandma away, so hurt that she cares more about drinking than she does about us, so deeply angry that I forgave her for some extremely horrible stuff and allowed her to be a part of our lives only to have it bite me in the ass, so irritated that I can no longer have a glass of wine with my husband after the kids go to sleep because I am so paranoid that I am going to "turn in to" and alcoholic myself. I am sorry, I guess I am just venting here... but I don't know what else to do and my husband is my very best friend but he could never understand the emotions I have attached to this because his parents are wonderful. I am so tired of dealing with this in my life but don't want the responsibility of cutting her out completely because I feel like I will be left with guilt if she dies. I am so drained. Thank you for reading...
(((RMM)))) I do know how you feel because it was the same with my mother. She actually turned up in the maternity ward to see me and my new daughter, whipped out a bottle from under her coat and took a few swigs of gin and tonic right there and then! However she doted on my children and they were probably too young to realise quite what was going on. Sadly she died aged 67 when they were 10 and 12, from lung cancer (as well as drinking she was a life-long smoker)
I don't have many words of comfort, I'm afraid, except I never stopped loving my mother and when she died I was comforted by the fact that I never cut her out of my life, no matter how much I felt like it at times.
I'm pleased you have found your way here. You are among friends who know all too well how alcohol addiction in those close to us affects us in so many ways. Talk to people who understand - try to find alanon meetings in your area and talk to friends. We sometimes find it embarrasing to admit to others what is going on in our lives but people will be more understanding and supportive than you may think.
Welcome to MIP! I am so glad you found us. I don't have direct experience with an alcoholic parent, so I don't have much experience to offer. All I know is you landed in a wonderful place full of much love, support, and understanding in what you are dealing with.
Al-Anon and/or ACoA would probably benefit you greatly if you are not already attending. You can easily find local meetings on the web or in your phone book.
There is relief, understanding, and growth out there for those of us living with alcoholics. We are here to be a part of that for you.
Please keep coming back.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Aloha RMM...you actually have arrived at the very right place considering your problem which we all share...alcoholism. If you read back at prior post you will find almost your exact story or close from another member.
Welcome MIP is a safe, secure, supportive family group. I will start with some of our suggestions. Go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the phone number to the hotline for the Al-Anon family groups and call right away. If you get a live person...talk if there is no live person there more than likely you will get a recording of meeting times and places where you can go and sit down and listen to others who have been where you are at now and who have found a great way thru it. You will find people to talk to, often coffee, always literature on the disease (sickness...not moral issue or personal weakness) and how it has affected you and others and what solutions (many) are available to you. Sit down in the meeting and listen and learn and then repeat that as many times as you can in the next 90 days. After that decide if what we have is something you want. Keep coming back here also.....(((((hugs)))))
I understand your anger but really her drinking has nothing to do with you , it affects you but it isn't personal , this is a disease a progressive one it only gets worse never better, disease waits for a time when the will is weak and strikes again always lies in wait .. Remember the good times u had with her sober , and find some compassion for her struggle with sobreity love her but let her go . no one in thier right mind wants to live the way they do , the guilt and shame they carry only adds fuel to the fire . I assume u are not attending meetings for yorself please find an Al-Anon meeting and go for you , u need support from others who understand exactly how u feel . you dont have to deal with this alone . Al-Anon prints a daily reader called Hope for today , it is for adult children like yourself written by adult children in recovery it will help alot . be good to yourself and get some help .
Your post really hit home - I certainly understand. My mom has been an alcoholic since I was about 10. I'm 32 now. She got sober for about 2 years right after my first son was born 9 years ago. She was going to AA, working the steps, had a sponsor, etc. She decided after a while that she didn't want anyone to tell her what to do, so she wasn't going to go to AA anymore. I now recognize this as an excuse to justify getting drunk.
I've gone through the anger. I've gone through the bargaining and giving her guilt trips for being drunk (the "If you loved us, you'd stop" thing), poured out her alcohol, cried, screamed, quit talking to her, and everything else I could think of. None of it had any effect on her, but served to make me very unhappy. The thing is, my mom can't stop. She's sick and it's out of her control to stop.
I had another child 6 months ago. I'm sad that she can't babysit him, and sad that I can't even ask her to. I hate walking into her house and seeing the drunk expression on her face - I know she's drunk within a second or two of seeing her.
But after my time in the program, what I hate the most is that her disease has her. Until she decides she's had enough of being sick and wants to get well, there isn't anything I can do about it. The only thing I can do is accept that it is the way it is - accept doesn't mean that I like it or that it no longer makes me sad, it just means that I recognize the reality of the situation and recognize that I am powerless to get her life in order for her.
I don't always have complete peace, but my life is a lot more peaceful since I got here. You will also be able to find peace for yourself if you keep coming back.
Thank you everyone... White Rabbit, our mothers could be the same person... everything you said sounds like what is going on in my life and I am about the same age (29). I am going to try to just let go and stop trying to think that I can change her. I just wish I didn't live so close to her because I don't want to see her at all if she is drinking. It is just selfish to me and I am so mad.
I tried to look up al-anon meetings in my area but I am really confused because of all the meeting "titles," such as, "step-recovery," "Opening Our Hearts Transforming Our Losses," "Sunday Serenity" etc... which one is just like a "normal" first timer meeting? Any info would be appreciated. Thanks again for the support, it is nice to know that my husband and I are not alone in dealing with this
The majority of the AFG meetings have titles related to something from within recovery. The titles mean something to those who have been in and have worked the program for a while. We've learned the Al-Anon Speak. My home group is the Wednesday Night "Turing Point" AFG...Turning point referring to that point where we don't look back but look forward to full recovery and more peace of mind and serenity rather than anything else. A meeting schedule of the meetings in your area may have "codes" that mention starters or step or non-smoking or topic discussion or the like. Get a meeting schedule or the phone number of a "live" member who you can talk to about what is available.
most meetings have picked names from our literature but they are normal meetings , the ones that say step study are just that , they study the steps , try a couple of them find the ones your comfortable in and stick to it . your worth it .
Welcome RMM - my mom is following her father and drinking to excess as an empty nester. They now live in AZ - a while away - so my exposure is limited.
I pray for her and I always make sure I call in the morning. It's the only chance she'll hear me and we can chat.
Hugs to you and so glad you're here!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
