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Hi all, As many of you know I just went through a divorce and it wsa final on 03/02. But something I haven't shared here is that during my 90 day waiting period for the divorce to be final, I met someone.
I met him online on Facebook of all places lol. We were playing a game in the same room and started chatting and really hit it off. I was hesitant because I was still married (even though we were divorcing it still bothered me), I wasn't sure I was ready for a relationship and I was worried about picking the wrong man again. I had every intention of staying single for a year.
This man is sweet, kind, loving, thoughtful, supportive, has great communication skills, is funny, very attractive, honest and a devoted father to his daughter. He was married before and is very active in his daughter's life. He is also and "A". Even on the net and a few states away I can still find an "A" I don't know how I do that . So I was cautious, but his being an "A" wasn't really a red flag. He knew program and we could talk it a bit. He wasn't a big fan of AA, but I thought hmmmm not all "A"s need AA. He had a bad experience with a group and a sponsor, but he said he was lacking something in his spiritual life so I suggested he try a different meeting.
The distance was hard, but with me working my program, all the gym stuff and him working his program we both knew that the distance actually helped us for now.
He flew up to meet me. It was a great visit and laid a lot of my fears to rest. We spent some time just enjoying being with each other and seeing what it was like to be in the same room. We talked about future visits and eventually my introducing the kids to him and my getting to meet his daughter.
I flew down to see him last month. We had a great time and once again it was so easy to be with him.
I liked that fact that he was in recovery. I liked that he was working a program and that we could even talk about our programs toghether. He said his step 4 sounded easier than mine after I talked with him about the blueprints for progress.
Even though we only had a few short months together I fell in love with him.
Last weekend he slipped and started drinking again. That is about all I know. I know that this doesn't have to be the end. But he is shutting me out and I am not sure what he wants. I know what I want.
I just needed to get this out of me. I don't regret me time with him or falling in love with him. I was aware of the possibility of getting hurt. I know I am going to be okay as long as I continue to take care of me.
Thanks for being here.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Oh, Mandy, I do feel for you. You probably don't need me to say this - I ams ure you have asked yourself, "Do I really want to go through this again?" Of course you don't so you do know what you have to do. You cannot put yourself and your kids through all that rubbish a second time.
Finding another A across distance and through an electronic medium sounds exactly like the sort of thing I would do -- you're not alone!
There were definitely times in my last relationship that I wondered if me being ACoA wasn't one of my most attractive qualities as far as my XABF was concerned. Did he see in me the "perfect" girlfriend for an A? Because I was, as I always am, completely open and upfront about my "warts" right from the outset.
I know that both of my XABFs deliberately misled me about the extent of their sobriety when we first met.
-- Edited by ythannah on Thursday 8th of April 2010 03:25:07 PM
__________________
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
well, I think its no coincidence that we meet and fall in love with A's, I've been married twice to addicts and the first one the son of an alcoholic.
I know you dont want to hear this, but you did ask for advice. I think we have to give it sometime after we divorce, A or no A.
I divorced the XAH 18 months ago, and my first love shows up from when I was 16 years old, he happens to live less then a mile from me. I took it slow though. He is not an A, but he might as well be, he is divorced, but the X would manage to call excessively, he would even pick up and argue in front of me. They shared a 14 year old daughter. So between the X wife and the daughter, I kind of fell somewhere in 3rd or 4th place. Oh, hell no, not again would I not be important to the next man Im involved with. I broke it off and I know Im not ready to be involved with another man, he will have to step up to the plate and on top of that, he will have to be a somewhat normal person, whatever that means.
So, I also believe that love doesnt happen in 3 months, the most important thing is friendship and then we go from there. I really think you have to self reflect on this one. Yes, why would you want to go thru it again? You didnt give yourself a chance to breath. Perhaps you need that dynamic with an A, because you dont know what it would be like without it. Give it a lot of thought. Listen to your HP, wishing you strength and courage. Bettina
My only problem is me and the only solution is God...care of another recovering female put in my life by my HP. You're directing your own life Mandy girl..you get to own all the consequences past and present. That one I learned early on when I came to say honestly to my self, "For that I am responsible" and then I signed the bottom of the paper regarding mismanagement. It wasn't dumb or bad luck it was me. Learning that my "neediness" was exactly like the craving an alcoholic goes thru for a drink was like waking up from a very bad dream. When I got into Al-Anon and was around for a while listening to all the wise people in the rooms I came to realize that before I got there, "I didn't know anything and didn't know that I didn't know," dumb as a stick but I had had the opportunities to know and didn't take them. After being in program and listening and learning I no longer can use that explanation for my condition. Today I know and for that "I am responsible". Work it, work it work it...practice, practice, practice. Don't do the stuff that hurts. (((hugs)))
(((mandy))) going to start this off with "take what you like and leave the rest "...:) Attacting and being drawn to people with addictions seemed to be my thing as well. I found out and continue to find out that I was sick long before the addicted one had walzed in. Likes attract....there really is no other way to put it. Taking care of ourselves is making good decisions and choices. I would not have known what a healthy relationship even looked like thus ended up in many unhealthy ones. I keep coming back here long after the a is gone for several reasons. One is that I find this program helps me in all aspects of my life. Second, should I ever ever think about getting into a relationship with an addicted person again all i need to do is read these boards to remind me of what its like. The mystical thinking that it will be different quickly leaves me. Thanks for being here and glad your with us ..blessings :)
-- Edited by DreamXL on Thursday 8th of April 2010 07:27:32 PM
Slipping is what A's do. Relapses are more common than not. In other words, most people who start recovery do not stay in recovery. That goes for us as well as them, doesn't it? Hugs to you.
I agree with Bettina. There is a reason we pick this type of person "over and over". I have been doing alot of reading of "self help books" and it is our problem with ourselves that causes us to "pick" this type of individual. I know for myself, I wouldn't begin to look around for another relationship until I "fix" myself, so my next relationship WILL be healthy. Take what you like...
Mandy I know you have been through a lot. It is natural you have met someone.
A or not, the one thing I always ask or think about is, what are his not so hot things about him.
Do you think it is cute or can you stand them?? Heck with all the good stuff. That is easy.
My A snored, fell asleep all the time and everywhere. I loved his snore and miss it.
He rarely started a conversation, rarely asked questions of anyone. Was tunnel visioned to the max. Afraid to be unique, did not think outside the box. I cannot imagine what he saw in me for petes sake! (o:
Those things like he does not shower enough, or he has to sleep with the window open, I do.
Those are the things we need to look at.
I am with Matti. I was hurt so horrible from both my husbands disease I just cannot survive another one. Just about did not those two. No joke there either.
Still am struggling with pain and damage, to the point I am still alone up here.
Keep us updated. If you choose, allow yourself lots of time and experience before you jump into anything. It takes a lOOOONg time to really know someone, to really love them.
New love is cool. Hope things cont. to go well. you know I love ya,debilyn
I so understand the pain you are feeling my friend. It hurts. It hurts like heck and it will hurt for a while (I can't lie). When you love someone special and they decide that it's time to leave, there's nothing you can do.
Not sure if these little tidbits will help (they didn't for me when I was hurting, but once I accepted the pain with gratitude, they made sense and helped me move on.
Maria
No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have.
A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you
can't have them.
Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in
love with your smile.
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time
on you.
Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one,
so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is
keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know
someone else and expect them to know you.
Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll still land among the stars.
Never be afraid to try something new.Remember, amateurs built the ark;
professionals built the Titanic!
REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
Happiness is only in your heart so Love yourself and you will always have
peace.
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I don't know how I do that 
. So I was cautious, but his being an "A" wasn't really a red flag. He knew program and we could talk it a bit. He wasn't a big fan of AA, but I thought hmmmm not all "A"s need AA. He had a bad experience with a group and a sponsor, but he said he was lacking something in his spiritual life so I suggested he try a different meeting. 
