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My ah and I keep separate checking accounts... for obvious reasons...
Unbeknownst to him, I keep tabs on his acc't. Why? Becasue he usually keeps about $150 a week for his crap and I get resentfull if he has got overtime and he doens't offer it up for bills...He doesn't do a good job at this. he has no idea he is overdrawn by over $300 and keeps using his debit card whch they keep taking and charging him $35 overdraft. Now tonight his direct deposit will go in and it will be almost entirely soaked up by the deficit. I keep hoping the darn bank will hurry up and send the overdraft notices... he is now up to 12, but as it stands he'll get them slowly and unless he looks it up online, or on the phone, he' going to continue to be OFF..
How does it affect me? he will have no money to give me for bills.
No I do not want him to know I look at his account, so am a bit stuck.
is this one of those instances where I let him fall.... take his own consequences... actually I have no choice.. but should I feel guilty? All of the debits for him that are going into overdraft are for gas, cigs, and wine... so there are no bills or anything that truly involves me.
go ahead.. yell at me for even checking his acct... is that like looking for the empty bottles???
How does knowing about the status of his account, help you?
I mean, really think and consider that for YOU bc I too used to snoop and junk... all confronting them about it did was teach them how to lie to me better -- and I was all upset all the time. Focusing on what he is doing, doesnt help you, in fact it takes you away from you and feeds the disease. Al-anon will teach you how to get your life back.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
and I KNOW it doesn't help me... but if I don't know the actual true amount in his account... how do I deal with the weekend issue I face of what bill are you going to pay and we sit and make out 2 or 3 bills together.... how can I see him do this and know that check will bounce when the bills are in my name? I guess I will be faced with the dilemma either way....but if I dont know and he doesn't take care of the account, how can I be sure the check is going to be good.. I do not want creditors coming after me...
He doens't like to make the check out to me whcih would allow me to csh it first and find out,,, becsue he doens't want me to use the money for somethign else... bug joke.. huh?
I can so relate to your situation - I was in a similiar situation when I was married to my ex AH.
I had to set boundaries. In setting boundaries - I had to do what was healthy for me and financially responsible for our household. I couldn't worry about other people's feelings.
In communicating these things to my AH - I would tell him -
"I need you to give me cash money to pay your portion of the HOUSEHOLD bills. I can not allow any possible affects from your issues to affect our household. It seems that you struggle with managing your checking account - so accepting a check from you or allowing you to pay a bill with a check that has the good chance of not being good will not be a good financial decision for our household bills."
This seemed to communicate my boundaries and his responsibilities in a way that helped take away the accusing factor, blaming, etc - It just stated the facts as they were and the solution. This way, you may could step away from monitoring his personal account ~ allowing him the dignity and self-respect to walk his own path.
Keep taking good care of you and working on your own recovery - Progress not Perfection - remember YOU Deserve the miracles of the Program too!!
HUGS, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
For me the reality was I cold not depend on him for anything. If he paid great, if not oh well I chose to live with him.
Learned to know better than to think he was going to pay his part, learned NOT to have his name on my house or vehicles or anything.
Did not sign anything with him or for him like hospital bills etc.
Part of choosing to live with someone is accepting the consequences of that choice.
That way no snooping, (which is actually perfectly natural for most) then no guilt.
If he can debit for crap, he can debit for bills. I would put it in his lap, "Ok honey this is your half of the bills, need it by blah blah." Let HIM figure it out.
I never expect truth or help from an A. sad but true.
It is a disease, it has symptoms, what you are sharing is some of them. Mine got my debit card and made a HUGE mess, ruining my credit.
forty here, sixty there up his arm.
sad stuff.
This took a huge weight off me, plus I had to face whether I could afford to be where I was anymore or if he could stay etc. love,debilyn
yeah its kinda like looking for bottles , waste of time and does nothing to solve the problem , if this isn't affecting your credit or bills . leave it with him its his problem .
Obviously the current set-up isn't working. I wonder if that means it would be more helpful to change the arrangement? I don't know if he pays all the bills and you don't work, or if you work outside the home too and you share the bills. If he's the only one with a salary, you might consider getting the bills direct-debited from his account. All mine are direct-debited and that makes sure those bills get paid, whatever happens. And if he's run out of money before the bills get taken out of his account, that will trigger more overdraft charges, but at least the money will come out of the account.
If you share the bills, maybe you could have his average share paid into a shared account (one you write checks on to pay bills, or one where the bills are direct-debited). So out of every paycheck, $100 would go to the shared account and the rest to him, or whatever. I also do this -- I have a certain amount directly deposited into a special savings account, and the rest into my main account. You can set this up with the bank and the employer.
I think the common thread of these ideas is to see if there's a way the money can come from him automatically, without him having to be responsible and without you having to get on his case. If worst comes to worst, you may have to accept that you'll have to pay the bills out of your salary alone (that might be another step downwards towards your bottom line). But the plain fact is that is morally responsible for his own bills. It's a fine line between maintaining realistic expectations and not enabling his irresponsibility -- tough to figure it all out, but what works for you works for you.
-- Edited by Mattie on Thursday 8th of April 2010 02:26:52 PM
It might help to take a look at the picture from a bit of a different angle. Honesty angle.
"I've become aware that your checking account is about to be taken away from you because you're forgetting some stuff. Take a look at it. I can help". Or some caring detached thing like that. Some people (including spouses) just don't accept the picture. They look at it...know what it means and then fall right into denial. "It doesn't or isn't happening to me. I won't be affected." I live with it myself to a degree...it comes with the person and is one of those more difficult "courage to change the things I can" because another person is involved along with their perceptions, experiences and wills. Separate checking accounts is a part of the solution...only a part. In support (((((hugs)))))
