struggling with higher power - Al-Anon Family Group

maybethistime · Member

struggling with higher power

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

HI MAYBETHISTIME

I do believe that admitting powerlessness is the main stumbling block for most alanon and AA members. Even people who believe in a HP still have difficulty letting go and letting God. It is a process so be gentle with yourself

I had dificulty trusting a Higher Power. My sponser sugggested that a Higher Power could be anything outside myself that I could trust. I choose the rooms of alanon and the tools presented to me These tools and the meetings were stronger than I and so for many years the program and the tools were my Higher Power.

Keep an open mind and you will find help Turning my will over was/is a gradual process. Each morning I do my alanon readings review the first 3 steps and pray the 3rd step prayer. I then show up for my life.

Keep coming back, share the journey and do not leave before the mircle

tlcate · Senior Member

Hello Maybethistime,

Don't remember if I have had the opportunity to welcome you to MIP, if not - WELCOME!

You are struggling with a very common issue in the 12 step program. Personally, it is something I have struggled with all my life and the program finally gave me peace around it. I was raised in an atheist home. As a teen I would run off and try all the local churches and it drove my Dad nuts!

As an adult I even studied with the witnesses for 1.5 years and walked away even more confused. I entered the program and the word "God", the concept of God made me nervous and worried that I could not continue successfully unless I believed. It turned out to be very untrue.

At first I went to AA and Al-Anon meetings and it was the logical side of me that was driving. I was not in crisis mode, my A asked me to go so I was going. I hadn't really lived and accepted the first 3 steps in my heart. Then my bottom came, crisis mode and I grabbed onto the program with all my being. I accepted that I was powerless and was willing to keep an open mind about God. It really was inconsequential at the time - I just needed help. In this time of early recovery and pain a lot of really beautiful things happened. "The Program" happened. This group of wonderful people here to help you through some of the toughest times of our lives. As these things unfolded, as I was lifted up, I was convinced that there actually was a God and he was kind, loving, and I was fortunate to have found him.

A year plus later I have calmed down in my convictions but found a place of comfort. I don't know if there is one God, many Gods, no God - but am willing to live with the God of my NOT understanding. How can I TRULY understand something that big anyway? For me, even more than a deity or sentient being, it is the ebb and flow of nature. It is looking at the past of the human race and seeing the same stories over and over. It is realizing how small I actually am, even in the unfolding of my own life and the circumstances within it. It is relying on and trusting others. It is realizing that I am not in control of anything other than myself and that is one HUGE task in itself.

For me, I didn't have to work for the answer like I had my whole life. The answer found me. And I wouldn't even call it an answer. Just acceptance. I do at times hope that if there is a God that he sees that even though I didn't put him and my faith first above all things, that I still tried my best to be a good person when judgment comes. If there isn't a God, I hope the humans in my life see the same thing and choose NOT to judge. What will be will be.

Thank you for such a wonderful, thought provoking share first thing in the morning. It was just what I needed.

Tricia

lacewing · Veteran Member

Hello to you ! smile

The concept of Higher Power and allowing ourselves to believe and understand that we cannot control or change this disease was something I struggled with as well.

I had a few people suggest that I temporarily 'change' the name of this disease in such a way to help me understand the need to control it, because it is beyond me to change it.

It was suggested that I look at it as a 'cancer' or like 'diabetes' - If someone I love has been diagnosed with either of these diseases....I, ME - cannot do anything - with all my powers, all my knowledge, all my witticism, my strengths, my knowledge of being resourceful....can change it. I am totally powerless to make them well...all I can do is hope that THEY go to doctors or help programs, seek outside sources for them to get through the problem...I can gently guide them toward what I have learned, what I know, and what I have found - to offer my strengths and beliefs...for them to learn how they can take care of themselves. I am not a doctor, nor am I some really big corporate head that can move mountains and control/demand others to DO what needs to be done...nor can I 'fix' problems that are beyond my capabilities...

The disease of alcoholism is much like many medical emergencies - the person inflicted, the people affected, are confused/angry/frustrated and riddled with WHY's and HOW CAN I - and the people who help are just a stone's throw away...but I cannot take on all the responsibility to believe that I am the answer and know what is best for them or how to fix or manipulate enough to resolve the problem.

I replied to another's post on our boards here regarding Higher Power and control as well - she too is struggling with what Higher Power is all about and how to 'find' it...what it means...who is it? Perhaps the replies on that thread can guide you to a better understanding.....the post is entitled "I am Lyn... I am new to all this and really hurting right now" by LynW. There are some great replies to her thread that might allow you a better understanding. There is always someone struggling where you seem to find yourself - many here, on our boards have some great tools to get beyond it...I am just one person amongst so many 'survivors' of this disease....we have strengths in numbers...and together we can learn to conquer much of our in-experiences so we can move forward - in a much happier/healthier state of mind.

One step at a time...we cannot conquer mountains, until we first strengthen our legs and our stamina for such a battle as this disease throws our way. biggrin

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Well your post this morning was de javue for me , the hardest part of recovery in the beginning was the Highter Power thing , I believed in nothing with I first came to this program and was not interested in talk ing or hearing about a God of anyones understanding . for me the Power greater than myself was the people in the groups I attended , those who were here before me together they were certainly more powerful than i was alone ..
Like most of us there comes a time when we finally understand that what were doing just isn't working and I finally came to a place where I had nothing to loose by accepting a Power Greater than myself .. His / Her solutions were not always what I had in mind hehe but they certainly seemed to work out better than anything I had tried in the past . I have always appreciated the freedom that our program allows I can stay here regardless of what I believe in or Not believe in no one told me I had to leave .
God as I understood him , I always forgot those words , I dont have to explain what I believe in to anyone thankfully we never discuss religion in our group meetings . what I believe is private .. I only know that today I am not the one running my life that took me along time to get there but eventually I got it .
Letting go of control we Thought we had was key for me , key word thought .
I know today I have no control over anyone but me and my attitude about what is going on around me ..
read all u can on letting go and Live an Let Live our Slogan really helped me to understand my part in this mess .
I always forgot that the alcoholic in my life had a HP too and would take h im where he needed to go . Keep going to meetings find a sponsor ..
When struggling to come to terms with a higher power I heard some one say
for them it was * Be still and know that I am here * no definition He ? She just that something was there for me to lean on -- when I heard that I knew I could do it = so far so good .

-- Edited by abbyal on Tuesday 6th of April 2010 01:21:54 PM

Hoot Nanny · ~*Service Worker*~

hang in there--you will find the right HP for you!

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Maybe,

Something that has helped me over and over again on the need to feel in control issue. I sit down and write a list of things I can control, reasonable ones, I can control how I react to situations, I can control what time I wake up, I can control when I eat, work, relax, what I wear ... small things but it is a whole bunch of things to control. Then I write a list of things I would not want the responsibility of controlling like the weather, I could never make everyone happy controlling the weather. I do not want the responibility of controlling other people's choices and actions, even though sometimes it would be convenient LOL I would not want to control the stoplights in town, I give credit to anyone who does. And then I am grateful there is some higher power that takes care of those things for me, whoever and whatever it may be in each area. It's a way of practicing giving up control, and reminding me what is mine and being grateful all at the same time. If any of this makes sense take it and leave the rest

Jen

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Maybe - it sounds like you're at the very beginning of the program.

I can tell you working Step One all in itself is a GIGANTIC step... And for me, I already believed in a HP... but I found that my relationship and understanding of my HP was starting to shift a bit with the Al-Anon program.

But what was most important for me in the early stages of my recovery in Al-Anon was to thoroughly work through the steps one-by-one with my sponsor - not jump around to others - and definitely not try to rush it. And that first step is a big one - admitting powerlessness. Forget about even turning things over to something else, it's just letting go, period, that's hard. Everyone's recovery story is different, but I recall spending a good chunk of a year working Step One before I moved on to Step Two. It just took me that long to finally start getting it down.

I still slip, though - but that's all a part of being human.

The only suggestions I try to give in this program (as we're really not supposed to give advice), is the following:

Get to meetings.
Find a sponsor.
Work the Steps with your sponsor.
Keep coming back.

mon123 · Veteran Member

Hi
The simplest HP stuff I found is in a book called 'The Steps We Took' by Joe McQ. He is an AA member but the book is written for addicts and the people who love them. Its not strictly conference approved but he has a wonderfully simple way of explaining things.

He says step one is the only step we have to take by ourselves, but it is the corner stone of the whole program.

Powerlessness take a huge leap of faith I think. Like jumping out of an airoplane and just not knowing if anyone or anything will be there to break the fall. I can't imagine having to trust a parachute and yet so many people say the experience is fantastic.
I doesn't matter how many people have done it before you or how wonderful they tell you it is.....that first fall is terrifying. Fear is a major block to HP

But once taken its something you never regret......

I was brought up in a faith that I didn't understand. Alanon gave me the space to find a new relationship with myself, the people around me and my HP. For me its all about Love really....no more complicated than that.
I can find it in the alanon rooms and the open spaces of the countryside. The difference with HP is that the love is unconditional. I complicate it.... not Him/Her/It, what ever it is. I choose now to return to the faith I was brought up in and I take what I like and leave the rest. Understanding comes in time when I am ready for it.

You are exactly what your HP expected you to be become .... HE doesn't make mistakes. You are perfect just as you are....but that first leap into trust is all yours.
Good luck with it

mon

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I relate to the struggle Maybe...It was hard getting myself off the pedestal and
putting a power greater than myself up there. Trying to stay in control is a habit
like drinking for the alcoholic so coming down from it takes just as much work.

My first lesson at having a higher power was a door knob...yes I said door knob.
My home group told me trying opening a door without one. LOL The next HP
just after that was a vacuum cleaner...true. Write down all the stuff I think I
have power over...tear it up and then use a vacuum and see what happens to
my control. Of course all it was became the early learning stage. My Higher
Power has gotten real since then.

Today I use the word, "Abandon your self to God as you understand God..." as
my mind and spirit set. After that I'm good to go (second). ((((hugs)))) smile

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, I see giving up control as different from trusting in a higher power. Giving up control is not something we have to start doing, because the alcoholic is already out of our control. We just have to look at the situation as it is. If we could control drinkers drinking, there'd be no alcoholics in the world. So maybe what we have to give up is the delusion that if we only tried a little harder, we could somehow start to control it all. How well has the trying worked? Terribly, right? So we have to stop trying the wrong way to get our lives back, the fruitless effort to try to control someone else. That's not giving up control. That's giving up a delusion.

Since trying to control the alcoholic didn't work, we then get to work on ourselves. (We can control our own choices.) The bad situation is still there -- we're attaching to an alcoholic whose drinking is a problem. So we have to stop thinking we're enough to manage this situation all on our own, and look to something larger and more experienced to handle it. Some people regard it as God or a Higher Power. Some of us aren't very religious-minded and regard it a little different. I've heard of God as Good Orderly Direction, that inner sense we all have of what's healthy for us and what's not. Even when we're in the worst situation with our A, something in us knows that this situation is terrible, that life could be better, that we need a way out of the madness. That inner sense can lead us to safety. Some people regard the Al-Anon group as a higher power. It has the experience and the support to help us when we lose our way. Either of those definitions work for me. So remember that you're not surrendering power that you have -- you're surrendering your illusions and taking control of the choices you do have.

lyndebi · ~*Service Worker*~

My experience is this. I have no more control over anyones or my own addiction than I do the weather. that is not up to me. So I give it no thought.

I am powerless over stopping a river, changing the wind to calm or stopping an avalanche.

Does this help at all?

hugs,debilyn

lacewing · Veteran Member

Jerry...once again - you made me smile. I Absolutely LOVE the DOORKNOB and VACCUUM HP! biggrin

Isn't it wonderful when we are actually ALLOWED to control at least ONE thing in this dreaded disease called addiction? We can control WHO/WHAT our HP is...in our understanding..with each step we take, with each growth that blooms, and with each moment of understanding and relating to someone else's perspective.....

Gotta love it biggrin

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

maybethistime,

You may very well be a self appointed control freak, as many of us are. How's that workin for ya? Have your powers cured your alcoholic? I wasn't that poweruil either...lol The power we think we have is all mental illusion. We don't have squat for power. Can anyone make you do what you refuse to?

When it comes to HP's, one size does not fit all. There is definately something bigger then myself out there. Your HP doesn't have to be a religious figure as Jerry mentioned. Mother nature and all the life she brings will work too. Have you ever seen the power in a thunderstorm or tornado? That's way bigger the weI'll ever be. You could release what ever you need to in to the universe. Kind of like releasing a helium balloon in to the sky. You don't have to believe your HP rules your world, just that it's bigger then you are.

Christy

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Maybe. Your post could have been written by me! I have never really progressed beyond step #1, because although I do believe I am powerless against his alcoholism, I do not believe HE is. Neither is "Higher power" clear to me. I suppose one could consider a "higher power" to be the great creator in the white robes, or the ancient sequoia trees in California or the red rock cliffs in Utah or a thousand other things. I suppose I prefer to think of an "hp" as the sequoia trees or the red cliffs because I can reach out and touch their majesty. I do not do well accepting or conceptualizing that which I cannot prove. And it is difficult to visualize turning your alcoholic loved one over to tangible objects.

So, I have learned to put that aspect aside, and concentrate only on me. He must find his own way. But I can listen to that quiet voice speaking within my soul, and know that I am walking the right path.

That's what is important.

Best wishes,

Diva

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