The material presented
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I came home from work yesterday to a empty house, I knew my A was out drinking again. I went about my business, took shower, read a lilttle, pray, watched dancing with the stars....My A calls me 4 times on the phone and I did not pick up. I am thinking he is drunk and the bar is calling me to pick him up or he is arrested. My A came home around 9pm and he went right into his room to sleep it off. He wakes me up this a.m. at 5:30, I get up and he tells me the same story, he has to stop, he hates when he drinks, he is killing himself...My A tells me he started drinking at 6am and didn't stop until 9pm. This a.m. he was coughing, needed to throw up but couldn't and shaking uncontrollably. I told him to check into a rehab...he won't..I told him that this is going to surely kill him and that would be ashame as you are a great grandfather and it would be a shame to miss out on our granddaughters life. I told him he is a good man and he has a disease and needs to take care of it. I told him he was a good man again with a problem only he could fix. My A drinks diet coke when he is not drinking his booze. He always keeps a open can in the frigde. The other day I took a drink of his coke and he saw that I did, he told me to not drink his coke as there may be something other that coke in it. This a.m. he told me that he pours wiskey in his coke can and that is how he starts his day...This doesn't even affect me anymore as I have been down this road before. He needs to take care of himself.
Weggie...thank you for this post. As I was reading it to be perfectly honest I kept waiting for the part where I was going to read about you asking what you can, why does he do this, your going crazy etc...and it never came...Wow !!! Talk about acceptance and taking care of you. It sure sounds like you know with no uncertainty that you didnt cause it, you cant control it and you cant cure it. Way to take care of yourself weggie....Thank you for a post filled with such insight in such few words.....blessings:)
Wow, I am seeing some incredible recovery here today. Just astounding. So often MIP family members ask, how do we detach with love and take care of ourselves? We give examples, try to explain it, and perhaps haven't even "gotten it" ourselves - but I think the only way to truly get it is to see it in action.
Thank you so much for showing me true recovery, true acceptance, true compassion and love. I am so sorry for the pain this is bringing you and your husband. I hope he finds recovery soon.
Tricia
-- Edited by tlcate on Tuesday 6th of April 2010 11:27:59 AM
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
The A in my life used to drink Orange Juice by the gallons, on a weekly basis - for the sugar content...beer consumption changes to sugar in the system - not being able to drink at his job - apparently this 'tides him over' until he got home, where he could grab his first drink...and continue on until he passed out. The temporary effects of this temporary 'fix' allows him to believe he is not an alcoholic, and that the problem does not exist with HIM...that it is ME that has the problem - his denials hurt those that love him and lead him to believe that the problem is with others - not him, and he becomes sicker with each drink that passes through his hands - to his lips and system.
I read this 'sugar' thing on the world wide web...somewhere along the line...when I began to question MY sanity and MY beliefs that maybe the problem truly was me. I was trying to find a label of what was wrong with me, instead of going with my own hunches of the disease of alcohol. Another A in my life used to add alcohol to his coffee - his vast consumption of coffee...it was his way of playing the game that if it was not leading to his lips from a labeled bottle....somehow costumed within something else...that the disease does not exist either.
They play games - they connive, they manipulate, lie, try to convince themselves, and everyone around them...to placate the stronghold that the disease has on them. When we point a finger at someone else - nary do we recognize that there are three pointing back in our direction. I have learned that I only have the strength to take care of ME - no matter how much I love them, no matter how much it hurts to see them hurt themselves. I am only one small piece to this puzzle. I can go crazy, and examine the issues in such detail and obsess only SO much - before I am in desperate need for a 'temporary fix' to regain my footing once again...I am a part in this disease as well - in my own way. It helps ground me to remember that 'it takes two'...an actor will only continue to act if there is an audience, but will practice continuously...whether the audience is forthcoming or not...
Kudos on your acceptance that we cannot change them nor cure them and control them. Your strength is indeed uplifting and I am grateful ...
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...He compared his weathered hand to mine and said, ... GROWTH OF THE MIND AND HEART are the best offers you can give.my Grandfather (Keeper of Stories), to me
Been there done that too many times , they just don't hear .. and it only makes them feel worse so I learned to stop the lectures and pointing out how great life can be with out alcohol , your husb is only doin what alcoholics do - drink , expecting them not to is our insanity - the last time my husb started on the poor me I gotta quit thing , I simply gave him a hug and said * I am sorry u keep doing this to yourself * and walked away , that was the day he knew the problem was his and i was not playing this damn game anymore .. in sobriety he said he knew he was on his own now - it took another yr for him to stop but I got on with my life , stepped aside and allowed him the dignity to do what he had to do .. for himself . 20 yrs sobreity in our home now and all I had to do was get out of the road so God could get at him .
-- Edited by abbyal on Tuesday 6th of April 2010 05:48:17 PM
