Any suggestions for when the exaH creeps this board?? - Al-Anon Family Group

Rora · Senior Member

Any suggestions for when the exaH creeps this board??

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Being exposed to healthy ways of thinking is always good. I can understand how it might have a dampening effect on you, though, Rora. (I would also say that "eavesdropping" is not so good, either when they do it or when we ransack the trash counting the bottles -- it always signals that the craziness is in full swing.) You could consider inventing a new pseudonym and changing some of the details when you post, if that would help -- ?

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

hmmmm I was thinking maybe change your nic to one that could be a guy or a gal. then go to people you choose to in pm to let them know what you changed your nic to.

Our obstacles really don't have much to do with gender. lol You could go ahead and use Rora and keep it simple and just have fun with it, then be the real you with your new nic. That would sure work. He would never know you stopped posting as you.

We would know though. I would not tell him u know.

I know it is a drag to have to do this. But for me I know I need this place and would figure it out.

Do you know his nic? shaking head here... we had this happen before and lost a good member. hugs,debilyn

Let me know who you are!

Rora · Senior Member

yes, I feel like the freedom to post freely here and access the esh from members that I've learned so much from has been taken.
On the other hand, it would be my hope that he'd actually be able to read and understand the topics and content shared here on this board, gaining insight.
bleh

This is me NOT holding my breath.

I'm going to think on this some more.

He likely knows that I know or at least will when he creeps and reads this post!

Rora

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Or, I was just thinking, this is his problem not yours. Why not just keep posting as you and ignore his snooping?

If he brings something up, think of a quick answer like, what makes you ask? or, you must be right. Or I did not think of it that way. I tell ya, those little answers kept things calm for me once I learned about them.

Maybe think of this as a way for hp to teach you something new as far as how to respond to the A, or not to.

love,debilyn handing you her rosecolored glasses....or signing, Pollyanna....or Debilyn digging in her tool box and handing you some ideas....

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Why worry about an ex ? what can he do about what u post here - nada . keep doin what your doin cant let him continue to run your life . and isnt it amazing that an ex would be soooo interested in anything u may have to say ???

Rora · Senior Member

Yes....why AM I worried about an ex? Hmmm.

Perhaps this is a reminder of how much work I have to do yet on detachment. The emotional responses are still there.

Truth is, I've longed for exaH (sober...maybe) to make some sort of miraculous personality recovery as well. I've left the door open for him, a crack. In my imaginary fairy tale we all still have a chance at happily ever after. Finding knowledge (through my own snooping of his email he left open) that he's installed a program on my computer that saves and translates logins and passwords, that he's created an acct here at MIP and that he's got many other online secrets sort of ruins that fantasy.

I guess I am still much more in the chaos than I thought.

Rora

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Rora, that is -- well, I guess the word is "sobering." Creepy behavior.

This sure is evidence of the fact that drinking is only the symptom of the insanity -- stopping the drinking doesn't mean everything else gets normal.

The good thing is that if he posted the typical unhealthy thinking of an alcoholic, it would stand out a mile. And if he tries to fit in and post healthy recovery-type thoughts, maybe practicing that kind of thinking would do him some good. smile

Rora's ex, if you're on here, there's a board for especially you as well, the AA board. Why not take good care of yourself?

http://www.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=42735

mon123 · Veteran Member

Hi Rora.
I believe our AH's need us more than we need them. They can be paranoid and assume we are saying bad things about them.
It might help his to know that we talk about detachment ....with love
and we're not here to bad mouth our sick relatives.

BUT he has his own issues and his own program to discover.

BUT this board is for you and we learn to keep the focus on ourselves. It is the problem with online anything forums. We just don't know who is in the room. I hope you get to face to face meetings too
mon

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

It's about fear and denial and too it's also about loss of security and anonymity
which makes it a bummer. My own alcoholic got into the fear and self centered
-ness for a while thinking that all I/we did in the program was talk about her.
LOL not even. If he comes snooping he's willing to hand his serenity over to
what, who???? Compassion, compassion, compassion. Keep coming back
though...you've made some great headway. (((((hugs))))) smile

tlcate · Senior Member

Hello Rora,

I have had experience with this here on MIP. My A had been reading the whole time I was posting and I wasn't sure, but thought it was true. I did not use that knowledge well. Yes, I posted what was happening in my life, my recovery, my questions - but it was all stinging with my anger and it took me a while, but I finally had to come and admit to myself and the group what I was doing, lashing out purposefully here at my A in hopes he was reading it. It was a big step in my recovery.

Then come to find out he told a woman he was seeing about me being here and the level of broken anonymity escalated immensely. So I had a decision to make. I deleted all my posts and started over. I could not bring myself to leave this family and starting a new user ID wouldn't really do much. Now my part here has changed and I am ok with it. I come and share my ES&H and love that of others. I focus on program and where I was, what happened, and the hope the program brings. But I leave my "current" out for the most part. I don't bring my problems here because it is no longer a safe place for that. There are so many resources out there, I just found somewhere else to go for those needs. I get to stay. I get to learn. I get to share, but it is a limited capacity and I am just fine with that. I actually find it quite beautiful. Since I don't come here and share my problems, I am limited to only sharing solution based experience. Focusing on the solution rather than the problem is very uplifting.

I hope you find a resolution that works for you.

Tricia

CJ recovery · Veteran Member

This is an interesting dilemma.

While we sometimes want to pour our hearts out, and yearn for understanding and love, it's in what we say that tells us more about ourselves.

In the "he did that and this" we aren't keeping with the Alanon steps. We're focusing on the AH/AW. That isn't good for our development. So if one is afraid somebody else might read their posts...maybe for good reason?

On the other hand, if we are following the program, there should be no fear or shame in others reading our posts. If the focus is on ourselves, then who cares?

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.