I hit my AH today. - Al-Anon Family Group

Destynee · Veteran Member

I hit my AH today.

freeagain · Veteran Member

Do you think this is your bottom? Is this as bad as you are willing for it to get before you start to make a change?

I have a friend in f2f meetings that said her bottom was when she was seriously thinking that killing her AH was an option. She actually felt like she had no other options. Lucky for her she wandered into the rooms of alanon, no one had to die and her life got amazingly better.

Don't get stuck, use this awful experience to do it all differently from now on out.

Bad stuff happens. It's not what happens but how we choose to deal with it.

((((((((hugs))))))))

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Destynee....Ouch!! I always hated it when it got to the physical retaliation.
The consequences are just soooo much more painful after the abuse. When
after a time I learned how to hunker down inside the palms of my Higher Power
and get quiet then I could get help myself with the anger and guilt and remorse
and resentments and self hatred.   One of the consequences of this cunning
powerful and baffling disease is insanity; sounds like you're there with alot of
others. (((((hugs))))) For me this would be sponsor time and if one was
available meeting time where I could hook up with the fellowship. Phone
numbers also saved my butt; not just having phone numbers but calling the
members on the otherside and listening.   Don't count everything down and
out until after HP has been handed the whole situation. First steps says that
we admit we are powerless and that our lives had become unmanagable and
it sounds like you're right there.   Second step is came to believe that a power
greater than ourselves could lead us to SANITY!!. Step three is made a decision
to turn our wills and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him...
Personal decision. If you can get the number to the Al-Anon hotline from the
white pages of your local phone book and call it you might find a real voice
to talk to.   You need others to help you out. Make the call!!   (((((hugs)))))

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Destynee wrote:
I hate myself for hitting him. Hate it. Our last contact with each other was one like that. I said I was sorry and that I loved him and wanted him to get help. But deep down, I know our marriage is over. I can't live like this.

I just feel so horribly guilty. I hate myself and I don't know what to do.

(((((Dear Destynee))))

PLease stop hating yourself and use the tools of this program to forgive yourself and your outburst. This terrible disease of alcoholism has touched us all in ways we could not imagine and each of us have been responsible for actions we are not proud of.

I too have hit my husband over a similar situation and his responsie was very much like your husband It is all the disease and alanon tools work.

Call your sponser, visit chat, pray the serenity prayer and know you are not alone and help is available.

Praying for your peace.

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

There is such a thing as provocation too. So don't beat yourself up so much. Remember progress not perfection. I hope that you and your kids had a good Easter.

In support,
Nancy

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Destynee,

You're not alone. I did not physically touch my A but I did hit my bottom the day I had no control over stabbing holes in my A's drumset after finding more things missing from the house and more lies and ... we all know the story. After that day I worked much harder on myself. I still had dreams of physically hurting him for a long time afterwards. I'm sorry you are feeling all of this right now. It will get better.

Jen

Rora · Senior Member

I just wanted to lend my support. I agree that we've all done things that we are not proud of and that have come with great regret. It can be chaotic and insane living with an addict. We can become chaotic and insane also - our thinking and behaviour. There are alternatives. Going to f2f mtgs and connecting with like people in like situations helps me to build a better emotional foundation for myself. It's one day at a time. Progress not perfection. And somedays are better than others.

{{{hugs}}}

Rora

mon123 · Veteran Member

We can't change what happened yesterday no more than our AH can.
All we can do is start today to live life how we feel is respectful to ourselves and others.
I've done plenty I'm not proud of, but beating myself up for it isn't going to undo it.
Working my program helps me move forward today and to become aware of better choices.

If you were a bad person you wouldn't feel bad now

I know I hated the sorry's that my AH husband gave me for the abuse because it didn't mean anything and he continued with the abuse.
But step 8 and 9 allows us to make honest amends and then let go of the hurt and guilt they leave us with>

As Rora says one day at a time and progress not perfection.

mon

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, please know that your not alone. I too have tried to punch my x ah sober.

Its our frustration at this terrible disease. Sometimes, they will provoke us into it because they want to be punished. Now that it happened, try not to let it happen again. The potential for it to escalate is there, especially when they are drunk.

Maybe a little space between you would be good, till it calms down. Hope you are using the tools of this program. When I was out of control, I would have a good cry and always go back to the Al-anon material and read and read, pray til I got myself in a better place. Don't beat yourself up, it will change nothing. Know that your a good person and that you have the potential to gain a manageable life for yourself and your family. Stick with the program.

Wishing you strength, courage and hope, Bettina

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

One of the things I have learned is when I showed up here I needed a black belt in detachment. I didn't have one. I had to learn fast. Detachment was a way I could remove myself from the situations.

Like you I was living with a now ex A who got to the point of having no money. He had plenty of druggie friends who eventually all came to live in the same house as me.

There are tools in al anon that can help you. Detachment is one, boundaries are another. No one but no one is good at either in the beginning. I know it takes a lot of practice.

These days many a person tries to provoke me. I can go a long way these days without responding. Sometimes a response is warranted. Sometimes walking away is the valid response. Sometimes making a plan be is the other response. I made a plan be for many many many months. That making of the plan be got me straight. Like you, I had no income, my unemployment had run out. I felt utterly dependent on the ex A. I also felt absolutely enraged at him.

I did plenty of screaming, yelling and carrying on at the ex A, none of that affected him he was so far into his disease. I don't know that he ever got to a bottom. I do know I did.

Maresie.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Maresie,

I like that "Blackbelt in detachment" thats what it takes, so true!!

Luv, Bettina

DreamXL · Senior Member

The insanity of it all...we get crazier than the addicted one....realizing our own insanity leads to recovery..blessings

evaangel · Member

Hugs to you!!

There is not a lot to say really as others have already said...I hit my x AH twice on seperate ocassions in retaliation and I was never proud of that.

He would get incredibly angry following me round the house, looking for arguements that he could pull out of the air, just so he could hit me, even though it was always someone else that upset him. This cunning disease called alcoholism..it ropes us all in big time.

keep coming back here...just reading and sharing experiences made me feel that I was not alone

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.