The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Your share touched me very much ... i would have done as you did too ( for what ever that is worth)
The downward slide is heartbreaking to see ... I felt so sad for you both
After I asked my ex to leave , I sometimes had "survivor guilt" I felt badly that the odds were good that I might , one day , fare better than he
I never meant for , or wanted it to be a competition ! All i really wanted , was to love him , have him love me back ... treat me decently and be healthy *sighs* ... and it just never really happened
In my case I felt the time came where it was coming down to "it's him or me , if he stays one of us is going to die ... and I do not wish to waste all the work people put into me by allowing HIM to kill me "
*sighs* I still think of him daily ...often, even when I do not wish to , he invades my dreams
Sometimes I am still mad at him for the ecconomice deprivation I have suffered due to his illness abuse and dishonesty
I am so grateful that alanon is teaching me to live *anyway* and on many days ... even have a good day !
(((((((((((Hugs)))))))))) - you really, really tried in so many ways so please don't feel guilty (easier said than done). I don't know if I shared the following with you so here it is.
Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery
We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.
Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge, it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people’s pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: We developed an addictive behavior and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: Warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn’t listen. They couldn’t see it; they couldn’t believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see and feel that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing and love. The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another’s time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Today’s reminder: I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty, I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and that is where I am meant to be.
love, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
(((((Megan))))) What a sad day that must have been for you. Just know that your recovery has nothing to do with his lack of recovery. I know it's hard to only save yourself but that's all we can do. What you did for him today was perfect, it was all you could do for him.
I am humbled reading your story. I struggle with "treating the alcoholic with respect" in the Alanon literature. You certainly demonstrated that by being kind to your husband. Thanks for the share Maria. My husband left me but I feel he is on the other side of the bridge. And Fiona, my husband said that it was him or me. And he chose to save himself. At least from his perspective. My husband is always in my thoughts and in my dreams.
Thank-you Fiona for the hugs and the wisdom. With me it also got down to a him or me. And through working on my recovery I was able to leave.
I am glad to here that you would have done as I did.
Afterwards I thought maybe I was interfering with him hitting his bottom but just felt basic human compassion for him
Thank-you Maria for the bridge. You have shared it with me before nut I needed very much to read it again today.I know rationally if I could do it for him his recovery would be well underway, but emotionally I struggle…and I pray.
Thank you Whitie. It is so very hard to only save myself, but I did need the reminder.
Hi Nancy and thank-you. I learned to treat my alcoholic with respect from reading the shares of debilyn. And other ESH on this board.
Finally John and Rose, thank-you so much for having this board without which I would never have found recovery
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Through the reading on the "big book of AA" I have learned that we should treat an A as if he were a sick friend. That is, after all, what he is. A person with a disease. I don't understand cancer, but I know that it will kill you, as will alcohol.
I believe that you did the right thing. If you had a friend that was sick and hungry, wouldn't you feed him? You don't have to suffer the same consequences as he does and you don't have to feel guilty. Its not your fault that he is sick the way he is.
Hang in there and know that God loves you, and there isn't a thing you can do about it!
