Desperately need ESH - Al-Anon Family Group

Ragdolls · Member

Desperately need ESH

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

So sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, I imagine everyone here has a story like this. It's typical of alcoholics. That doesn't make it any easier.

As it says in the book "Getting Them Sober," it's hard to lose an alcoholic. It's certainly harder than you think. My experience is that they come back.

They don't have ways of coping with disagreement or disappointment without alcohol, however, so they get overloaded fast. (Not a good trait in someone you're trying to have a close relationship with.) Then their coping method is to drink. Preferably secretly, or at least away from the conflict. It doesn't mean you need to have done anything wrong. Even if he's not drinking right now, he still hasn't learned how to cope with hard feelings. So abrupt retreat is his reaction.

I know so well the turmoil and the rush of emotions when things like this happen. Al-Anon has several sayings for times like this, which amount to Slow Down and Don't React. When they're full of turmoil and sudden reactions, those things become contagious and we tend to react abruptly too. But obviously his way of living isn't working for anyone! So slowing down and figuring out how to take care of yourself is so important. Can you get to a meeting? Do you have some literature you can read? A fellow Al-Anoner or sponsor you can call? Or just someplace to go and de-stress -- a movie, a coffee shop, a walk, a pedicure?

I don't know if you can cancel his car insurance, but that wouldn't stop him from driving, and it might mean that there's no coverage to help someone if he did hit someone. Sad to say, if he's going to drink and drive, you couldn't stop him. If we could stop them, there'd be no drunk drivers on the road.

Changing the locks sounds like a very sudden reaction and decision. I know that urge to punish and make a point so well. But my experience is that when I needed to set boundaries, I needed to think them out carefully in advance to make sure they were right for me, and enforceable, and that I was sure I could and would enforce them. If you want to break up with him, that would be a conversation for a calm moment. Or are you afraid he'd come back and be violent? I don't get that sense, but if that's true, you need a larger action plan and another place to stay. My guess, based on my own experiences, is that you just want to let him know that you won't allow yourself to be walked out on in the abrupt way he did. In which case, the question is: what is your real bottom line? If you want to move on from the relationship (and the red flags here are certainly standing out all over the place), you might wait until you feel a little less shocked and upset, and then sit down with yourself and plan out what needs to happen.

And it is infuriating, absolutely. My own experience is that I tended to forget how infuriating it was, and then I'd expose myself to it again. And again. And again. I wish I had taken care of myself better. I hope you can do that. And keep coming back.

lacewing · Veteran Member

Hello Ragdolls!

It's sad when the A chooses to do things that hurt us. We just have to remember to work our program - instead of trying to figure out what they are doing. If he is choosing to leave you in the dark about his choices at the moment...I would not 'jump' to any conclusions regarding what you should do. Take care of you!! Find things to keep you occupied JUST FOR TODAY! It may be hard, but if you continue to keep occupied, then your mind will not obsess over what his plans. Take today to pamper yourself - do some things that you have not had the opportunity to do for awhile...things that will make you feel better FOR the moment.

Canceling insurance and changing locks when you are not sure what is to happen tonight, tomorrow or for the immediate future, may make you feel better for the moment - but end results could cause more misery for you. I know legally you cannot change locks from someone who owns a home with you - legally they have a right to be there too...so please be careful with legalities regarding this 'want'. If he chooses to drink and drive and gets arrested for this...your creating a potential crisis by canceling the insurance is not only vengeful on your part due to your pain at this time, but also possibly stopping him from hitting a rock bottom that just may get him into recovery.

I know from my own experiences (and I have been where you are)...The more we obsess over what the Alcoholics/Addicts do with their own choices only causes us more duress and fear/pain. Let him do what he needs to do - and allow alanon do for you what you are not able to do for yourself. Remember - the more we get busy, the less the disease has time to 'rent space in our minds'. Take this time to remember your program... One day/one minute at a time. The disease has no scrutiny - it LOVES the victim that it clings too - his disease is not your disease...and it is stronger than the both of you. Love, when entangled with an addiction - has no mercy....remember QTIP! (quit taking it personally)...and take care of YOU! We did not Cause these behaviors, nor can we Cure them...let alone Control them...the only thing we can do is continue to remember the strengths we have gained through the Al-Anon Program - and use the tools we have added to our box of things to do when we are hit blindsided by yet another behavior of this disease.

Try a meeting, calling those who can offer you strength and some time to keep you focused/busy - go for a walk and enjoy the weather and beginnings of this Spring Season...journal ( I do this so I can see how far I AM compared to where I WAS - it's wonderfully uplifting and a great step in seeing our Strengths!), go through your seasonal clothes...whatever it takes "JUST FOR TODAY!"... You can get through today - no matter how bad it seems...one step at a time smile

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Rags...Here take my best Slogan and keep it in front of you as you go
thru this...."DON'T REACT!!". Sounds crazy like how could I not react under the
circumstances and it's something to practice. Not reacting keeps your spirit at
rest. It is connected to the admission of powerlessness in Step one. If I am
powerless than reacting is futile and useless.   Here is another thing that may
help in your awareness...what he has done, is doing and may do is exercising
power over your mind, body, spirit and emotions. This idea suggest that you
need to take that power back and accept it as your own responsibility...Not his!!
It also suggest that he needs to be relieved as your Higher Power and be
replace by a more kind, loving, compassionate Higher Power...someone also
more powerful than your mind and emotions. For me that one is God and
because of that again for me I keep myself surrendered to my HP. I have no
power at all...Higher Power has it all I surrender and stay that way.

My greatest emotional defect when I got into program was F E A R. My head
use to create negative secenarios and outcomes and my emotions use to
run with them. It is always drama not based on fact so (F)alse (E)vidence
(A)ppearing (R)eal keeps me clued in that I'm not operating inside of reality
but inside of fear. All of those things your head is coming up with are not facts
just False evidence yet it sound like, feels like, smells like and appears like it
is real.   None of it is for now. "Never trouble Trouble, till Trouble troubles you"
is an old program perspective for me. I still work that one often.

You got a tool box? Telephone numbers for people in the program in your
area? Sponsor? Literature? Meeting list?...If you do use them like you are
using this great MIP tool.   You are not alone, helpless and without hope.
You are part of a huge world-wide family. Serenity Prayer, slogans, steps,
past posts on MIP.            In support (((((hugs))))) smile

wp · ~*Service Worker*~

You are welcome to attend our alanon 12 step meetings in the chat room here, or just stop by during open chat any time. Meetings 9 and 9 eastern , daily. Tonight, Sunday is underway at 7 pm.

wp

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I do relate. Hey it is OK. Really. At least you have us!I had no one. Soooo it took me a couple runs to realize they do not go that far, and they usually come back.

So I changed ME and put things in my name, kept my own money made my life mine. So when he left or I booted him I was ok except i missed him.

What I am saying is it will be ok, it is ok! This disease loves to play games with us, but we have a key,al anon, that opens up a whole new way of living with it. We learn when this kinda stuff happens.

Addicts thought patterns are nothing a non addict can figure out. It could simply be the disease wanted to use and wanted the money back to do so! Never thinking about not coming back.

For us we learn to take one day at a time, sometimes it's one hour at a time or less. No what if this or what if that. Take things as they come. It is so freeing to put it all in HP's hands. We cannot do anything anyway.

I learned to think oh good, some space! He is a big boy, he will be fine and he probably will.

We can take a break from the disease, think about what we want. Order a pizza, read a good book,watch a movie, meditate.

I would literally go out on my deck and throw the A and all my concerns out to hp physically throwing my arms out.

My A used to disappear, have the whole family freaked out. It was so cool learning thru Al Anon to put him in HP's hands, have faith that "no matter what" things would be ok.

Sending you love and big hugs, debilyn

freeagain · Veteran Member

Slow down and check your motives. Will canceling the car insurance bring anything negative on you? Would you be doing anything like that out of anger? Cause when I do it with spite it never works out well for me.

Personally, I kept myself safe. I changed the locks, I didn't answer any of his calls. When he showed up at my door, I called the police. I proved to him that I was done and I was not fooling around....at all. Never again.

Charlie · Veteran Member

Rags,

I can't believe how great the folks around here are.
I wish I could add to their wisdom, but frankly, I am in awe of their responses.
When the time is right, after the adrenaline subsedes, I'm sure you will be able to sort out what is best for you for the long run.

May God bless and take care of you.

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

My AHsober never stays around. He mentally leaves when he is still sitting in a chair in front of me. Put boundaries around yourself. The disease did this to you. They aren't thinking of us when they walk out the door.

In support,
Nancy

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

Ragdoll,

Just sending a big hug, and a big wish that tomorrow will be a much nicer day for you. Remeber to take a big breath and make sure your het is on straight before you do anything

Something my grandma used to tell me.

Jen

ayjay · Veteran Member

im not sure i can give words of advice, as I am in the same situation myself. So I just hope that by letting you know you are not alone in this experience helps?

I find it pretty amazing the time people take to comfort them in need. All them words of encouragement to you, from experienced members has helped me. I hope it has helped you?

Lets learn what this pain is and how to deal with it, that is what is helping me sit with the pain at the moment, hope, that I can do that. I am finding that when you sit with pain it fades naturally too. I normally avoid it by trying to control and manipulate him leaving to get him back, punishing him, and avoiding the hurt his actions have on me. :)

I think im at the point of being able to hand it over to HP and focus on me, but it is like im stood looking at my own life and my own self thinking, oh my where do i start, what do I do........im sure time will tell?
Xx

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Jerry on this one. Your A is probably back already.

But, its not about that, Its about like Jerry said, "Not reacting" and going about your business of the day. Sticking with your HP and the tools of Al-anon. These are times in those crucial moments we have to rely on our HP and have faith that our life is doing what it should.

Luv, Bettina

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

The ex A I was with walked out often. He stayed away maybe two weeks tops then he was back insisting it all be his way. I was so aggravated, sick with worry , sick with abandonment his ploy generally worked.

I don't know if the car he is driving is yours, certainly sounds like it if you are paying the insurance. I had many many blurred boundaries with the ex A. Retrieving those and setting boundaries was terribly hard work at first. I really really struggled. This is a great place to come to explore all those issues. The chat room is also a great place to go when you feel abandoned.

The ex A could trigger may abandonment issues very very easily. Eventually I came to see no matter what his behavior was I could take care of myself. I did learn to take care of myself, albeit I am still learning.

I am glad you are here, this is a wonderful resource and I know you can get help here.

maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.