Is this insane?! - Al-Anon Family Group

victoria · Member

Is this insane?!

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Victoria,

My A wouldn't stop drinking, even while attenting AA, and after a dui, been with him for 26 years. Couldn't handle living with him anymore. Reached my boundary. I found the A his apartment, we had a joint account, he has been on unemployment for almost 1 year 1/2. Found the apartment, he went with me.I wrote the first and last months rent. He has been there 18 months. Happy ending.

Sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do. You know what, he likes living by himself and so do I.

Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Saturday 3rd of April 2010 06:23:23 PM

Rocky38 · Senior Member

Hi Victoria,

Welcome back. I don't know if it's insanity but I understand it. I have felt the same way myself.

A liitle while back, I realized that my AH was at the lowest of the lows. I also realized I was the stronger of the two of us and if we were to part, it would be me that should fo the leaving. I had previously tried to encourage him to leave, get him an apartment etc. But he would not accept my help. He would go to the street. I could not do that to another human being. Some might say this was enabling, maybe it was. But my HP has taught me that I have to live with myself. I have to be ok with how I behave, even if my AH is behaving in a way I don't agree with. I decided, I would move out. I had worked hard for the house, paid the bills, but it paled in comparison to leaving with dignity. As it happened, the day I was ready to leave, HP intervened and my AH suffered a medical emergency just as I was about to sign a contract for another home for myself. My life changed from that moment on. I decided to stay and love unconditionally whether AH was drinking or not. He passed away in Jan this year.

All I can offer is to listen out for, and follow the will of your HP. Give up the goal of trying to control the outcome for you and AH and see where HP guides you.

Please keep coming back, Hugs, Rocky

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

One thing to consider is that if he refuses to find a place for himself, or isn't "able" to, he has retains the power over whether he stays or goes. All he has to do is to appear unable or unwilling to find a new place. And he gets a big reward for being unable or unwilling, doesn't he? Either he stays where he is, or he gets you to find him a place (and to pay for it?). That's a powerful incentive for him to be helpless. Just something to consider.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I believe we grow up and learn that family is family and you always help them when they are down and out.

BUT when it is an A we have to do the opposite to really help them. It is the disease. They need to get out there and be very uncomfortable to find out that they have the power to change where they are.

The disease is strong. The A must feel the horribleness of it in order to be able to get to a point of,"I cannot take it anymore, and I will do anything to get well." Some do, some don't. But when we rob them of taking care of their own disease, we make them sicker.

When we enable, it helps the disease not our loved one.

Of course you feel as you do! That is very natural. Living with an A and loving one, we must learn to protect us, and also them by not enabling the disease. "Gettting Them Sober" the book Canadian guy offers, for me, explained it the best.

It is hard to do. I had to many times. Each time it got easier.

Glad you are here and you are very honest. love,debilyn

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Victoria))),

He may be an addict, but he's also an adult. Allow him the dignity of his choices and the consequences (good or bad) that go along with making them. You set a boundary. You have to follow through or nothing will change. The boundary becomes mute. It's not your responsibility to find him a place. It's his. (Unless you set a boundary that stated if he started drinking, you would help him find a place so he could leave.)

Ask yourself this question: do you really want to continue living with this chaos? Only you know the answer to that.

There are shelters for him to go to. If you are scared that he might live out on the street, then drop him off at one. If he walks in - good. If not, then so be it. It may sound cold, but trust me, I was the great enabler. At some point it had to stop. I told him to leave. He did. I didn't ask where he was going. All I could do was turn him over to his HP. It was hard. It hurt. But at least I wasn't coming home to uncertainty. Do what you feel you must. We are always here for you. Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

-- Edited by Karilynn on Sunday 4th of April 2010 03:38:23 PM

blender_girl · Senior Member

(((Victoria)))

I can so relate to this. I left my AH in October and was fully prepared to live elsewhere until the details of our living arrangements could be filed with the temporary orders for our divorce. As it turned out, I was only out of the house for 5 days. He moved in with a friend in another town and is still there now.

A couple of months ago, I toyed with the idea of finding him an apartment with me paying the rent so that he could take advantage of the limited visitation conditions that are specified in the temporary orders. I even went and looked at apartments. Then my HP whispered to me that it was not my responsibility to do this. If my AH sincerely wanted to be closer to our son and take full advantage of his visitation rights, he would have found a way to do it himself. He is an adult, he could easily have asked me for the additional financial support himself. He has so far chosen not to do this.

Essentially, I was questioning myself. The wisdom of the Al-Anon program tells me to check my motives and "when in doubt, don't". In this case, my motive was unearned guilt. I feel good about my decision to not pursue this course of action. I felt good about it then and feel good about it now.

And yes, I am still providing him with financial support until we get the details of our divorce worked out and the final decree signed. So in a way, I am still enabling his disease due to the community estate rules in our state. I can't legally deny him access to our community resources.

I admit that in the beginning, I was motivated by guilt in providing this financial support. After all, I kicked him out after 25 years of marriage, he had no steady source of income after being a stay at home dad for the past 19 years and he was seriously ill with the disease of alcoholism. I felt like I was kicking a sick, helpless puppy out of a moving vehicle. But that sick puppy was making me and my kids sick too and I had to quit doing what I had always done and keep getting what I always got. I'm a human being too and deserve a life with peace and serenity.

I've had a lot more peace since our separation. It's given me some time to heal and to gain a healthier perspective. Sure, I can still get sucked into the chaos and drama if I choose to, but I find that I'm making that choice less and less - and this seems to happen when my resistance is down. I can see that I have better choices now, but it's up to me to recognize them when my HP shows them to me and to act on them accordingly.

So anyway - that was a rather long response to a pretty short question, but I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone and that others struggle with the same types of issues as you do. I also suggest that you take a look at the Tips on How To Stop Enabling that John posted recently. They are priceless.

love in recovery,

bg

-- Edited by blender_girl on Sunday 4th of April 2010 10:17:32 AM

victoria · Member

thanks everyone--much to think about!

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