broken hearted - Al-Anon Family Group

daisygirl · Member

broken hearted

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Daisy...I was taught a thing by an early sponsor that helped me get a
clearer picture of whom I was talking about. My sponsor asked me...when I
talk about her am I talking about my alcoholic or my wife. I wanted one of
them and not the other. Face to face Al-Anon meetings have a ton of
information on alcoholism and a forum you can sit into and listen and learn.
The meetings are in every major country and that tells you how big a problem
you are juggling. Go to the white pages of your telephone book and call
the hotline for Al-Anon and see where the meetings are and when and then
go get literature and listen. This is one major disease and it has robbed
more people of happiness than anything I've ever witnessed.

To a recovering alcoholic...there is no justification good enough to drink.

(((((hugs))))) smile

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh Daisy if Love were only enough!!!

It says your new so I dont know where you are in the program of Al-anon, but you have come to the right place. All of us have loved an alcoholic or still love an alcoholic. They can grab your heart like no other.

First thing we learn is that we are "Powerless over their drinking and that they love drinking above us. " They can love us deeply, just not as much as they love alcohol.

You are correct not to jump into a relationship with an A without giving it some careful consideration. Its great you have turned to this board, as you can read all the posts and listen to everyone's experiences , strength and courage.

Don't give up hope, but to be with an alcoholic, you have to focus on you and not the disease and build boundaries for yourself. Sounds like you already have one. He cant be with you unless he is sober. Its a good one to stick too.

Keep coming back and share with us. Wishing you all the best. Bettina

mjb · Newbie

To Daisy Girl
I went to Al-Anon for the first time last week, after repeating the patterns you describe for the last 5 years with my current partner, and for 10 years of marriage in the 1990s.

Wow - the experience of 20 people beaming unconditional acceptance at me let my defensive justifications and self-protective thoughts just fall away. I could finally be honest with myself because there was absolutely no indication of judgement from those in the Al-Anon meeting. I could finally admit to myself, without beating myself up, that I made a mistake thinking I could change him. What a huge relief to let that one go. Now I have permission to not worry over the situation, to not try to solve the impossible-to-solve problem. The pain I've been carrying was allowed to show itself in tears. Pain about so many aspects of being part of the dis-ease. But in the Al-Anon meeting the pain is allowed to be expressed. All we get back after expressing it is "Thank You". This is liberation. I can't wait to go back next Tuesday. In fact, that's why I'm online now.

mjb

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Daisygirl, believe me you are not alone. Glad you made it to Al Anon. It teaches us to learn how to take care of ourselves when we love an A.

We learn addiction is a horrible disease. Science has it proven it is in our dna.

They cannot help that they put their disease first, it is a symptom of the disease. We all love our A's sober. We relate there big time. These people never chose to be an addict. There is no one who wishes they were not one more than them.

They feel so guilty for how they are when they are messed up, that when they are sober they feel they have to make up for it, or after awhile they get mean then too, or maybe get so depressed they use again and more.

They are soooo good as they are trying to make up for all the mess they know they did. They also may be a nice person. Hard to tell.

Not drinking or using will make little to no difference. It is only a symptom of the disease. Addicts are usually liars, manipulators, selfish, have no self love, etc. "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew is a book that taught me oodles. Tom at the top of our board page has an offer to send you one. (
Canadian Guy)IO stil look at mine all the time.

They cannot love like what we think of what love is to us. Lots of times it is an obsession, like addiction. He hopes having you there would help, but it won't. It would be sooo much worse. Children never do well living with an A. There are many loving parents who do their best to make it work. But they know how hard and sad it is.

You are very wise. Not moving there, not allowing the disease to pull you in and suck you dry. That is what it does. The disease is called,cunning.

There is nothing wrong with loving an A. They are humans, some and maybe most are very good people with a horrible disease.

I have been with or involved with my AH for40 years! Have seen so many deaths primarily from addiction. Growing up in the late 50' and 60's that generations experiences are huge.

One of my best friends is an addict. She just had to go thru the interfuron treatment for Hep C. She has always worked, is head of a huge community after school program,raised three very cool kids, got family of they year one year, then the next year her son was caught in the A Free From Alcohol and Drugs house smoking pot......Plus a kid who he was with started a fire at the school....sigh. This is a little town....the kid ended up a pharmacist.

Of course we laugh about it now.

Anyway welcome, you are definitely in the right place.

In the frequently asked questions message above there is a site to help you find a face to face meeting in your area.

Love,debilyn

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think if any of us could love an alcoholic well they would have all been cured.

You are in the right place for you.

glad to see you here.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.